Homework help made hilarious.

blog banner

The 9 Worst Patronuses and What They Say About You As a Person

Pottermore just released the official Patronus test! If you’re anything like me, you heard this news and had roughly 112 feelings about it, including but not limited to “YES” and “FINALLY,” even though we at SparkLife totally already made one of those things and it was a delight.

But then there were other, more ominous feelings. A certain reluctance. A growing dread. On the one hand, I think my Patronus is probably a dog or rabbit or something. On the other, what if it’s not? What if my Patronus is something terrible, like a snake or (GOD FORBID) a raccoon, and this assessment tells me something about myself that I don’t want to hear?

These would be, in no particular order, the absolute worst Patronuses, based on nothing more than what I feel they reveal about you personally:

A hyena
I don’t know much about hyenas, but I know they are nature’s psychopaths. Nothing that laughs like that is innocent. At best, it is plotting. At worst, it has already committed atrocities. As a Patronus, this says that you are a schemer and you’re not to be trusted.

A deer
A deer doesn’t know anything. Every deer has roughly the knowledge and life experience of a freshly born baby, so every now and then they will burst forth from the forest netherworld to stand in front of our cars and dumbly welcome death. I know, I know; Harry’s Patronus was a stag, like his father before him, and his mom’s was a doe, and there was that whole thing where Snape’s was also a doe because of love. But let’s be honest: if my Patronus was a deer, I would want a refund. A deer as your spirit guardian says you are a fool, and that is that.

A hippopotamus
A hippopotamus says that you are wholly unapproachable as a person and that most people find you obstinate.

A squirrel
Squirrels are a plague upon our houses. They fear nothing. First they will want our crumbs, then our dignities, then our lives. I used to feel neutral about squirrels. But then I had the audacity to live on a college campus, at which point my hatred of those blank-eyed, soulless tree rats blossomed and grew. I could feel it festering every time I got hit with an acorn as I cut through the squirrel-infested realm of nightmares (also known as “the woods”) to get to class. If a squirrel is your Patronus, this means you are unsympathetic and an anarchist, and also you crave chaos.

A skunk
Skunks are actually quite cute, and it’s not their fault they smell like an unholy concoction of cat pee, flaming garbage, and death. I’ve seen Bambi. I am in favor of Flower. But were I to get a skunk as my Patronus, my primary takeaway would be that the world as a whole finds me distasteful to the senses.

A peacock
Peacocks are show-offs. They’re braggarts. They don’t NEED to be that vibrant, they just ARE. If your Patronus is a peacock, this says to the world that you crave attention. And let’s be clear here: I do crave attention, desperately. It sustains me. But I don’t want people to KNOW that.

A seagull
All seagulls are guilty of something. There is one seagull out there who is guilty of stealing an entire taco from my lap, and if your Patronus is a seagull, you are complicit. You’re complicit in this unchecked taco theft. Do you want that on your conscience?

A bat
Are bats animals? The wings confuse me. I know, I should’ve done more research before I committed to this opinion, but I’m not too concerned with what a bat is or what a bat isn’t. I feel like they actually transcend the taxonomic classifications as we understand them. I have never seen a bat up close, because if I did I think I would just set myself on fire, but I’m not impressed with what I’ve seen. They are small, winged hell rodents with rabies. If your Patronus is a bat, I wish you all the best, but you are finicky and deceitful.

A raccoon
Raccoons don’t care about you and they will set fire to your world just to watch it burn. I don’t even feel I need to expand on this. I think we all just know.

Did you take the Patronus test? Are you happy with the result?