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The All-Villain Hunger Games!

Have you ever wished you could get your least favorite people in one room and make them slug it out (other than in the context of a presidential debate)? Well, not that we agree with the Capitol’s policies on most issues, but it is fun to imagine the world’s worst villains trapped in the Arena. (It’s been a long January; we deserve it.)

President Snow (The Hunger Games)

Assets: Tasteful flower arranging, adept at manipulation.

Weaknesses: Dragon breath, advanced age.

Fate: First to go. Heart attack while running away.

 

Nolan Sorrento (Ready Player One)

Assets: Has access to unstoppable armada of weapons, abilities, and information.

Weaknesses: Turns out he only has any of those things in virtual reality.

Fate: Killed while wielding a Pokeball and looking stunned when nothing comes out.

 

Elphaba, Wicked Witch of The West

Assets: Magic, army of flying monkeys, sick skywriting abilities.

Weaknesses: Crippling water allergy, not a team player.

Fate: Does pretty well, but won’t stop yelling up at the sky “WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, I’M REALLY MORE OF AN ‘ANTIHERO’ THAN A ‘VILLAIN.’ JUST, WHEN YOU TAKE INTO ACCOUNT MY BACKSTORY.” Felled by an errant raindrop.

 

Kylo Ren (Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

Assets: Lightsaber skills, The Force, smoldering eyes.

Weaknesses: Is a big whiny baby.

Fate: Accidentally calls Voldemort “dad.” Dies of humiliation.

 

Voldemort (Harry Potter)

Assets: Terrifying command of magic, extreme reluctance to stay dead.

Weaknesses: Consistently underestimates the threat posed by young, plucky adversaries (kind of a running theme in this list, you’ll notice).

Fate: Dominates the field for several days and seems to be headed for victory, until he makes the fatal mistake of trying to cuddle a snake which is not, it turns out, Nagini.

 

Jadis, The White Witch (The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe)

Assets: Controls the seasons, can turn people to stone, whatever “Turkish delight” is.

Weaknesses: Religious allegories.

Fate: Waits out the rest of her competition in isolation, bends the mutts to her will, and writes the first ever symphony for jabberjays. But even so, her control of the seasons is no match for the ultimate champion.

 

Prevailing Drought Conditions In The Dustbowl (The Grapes of Wrath)

Assets: Cruel, implacable, merciless.

Weaknesses: None.

Fate: Handily wins, once it turns all tributes into hollow-eyed, desperate people, without the self-respect that makes a man a man.

So how ’bout it, Sparklers? What villains would you like to see duke it out?