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The DOs and DEFINITELY DON’Ts of Text Flirting

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Flirting is one among the many mysteries of the human condition. Where do you put your hands when someone whose mouth you wouldn’t mind having on your own mouth is talking to you? Where do you look? At your hands that you don’t know where to put? And how do you stop yourself from using the Gold Rush as a conversation topic? I don’t know the answers to these questions (though sitting on my hands seems to work). What I do know, however, is that all of these pretty much become non-issues when you flirt via SMS.* Also, the Constitution isn’t -that- boring of a topic, GUYS WITH WHOM I’VE ATTEMPTED TO FLIRT.

Before I disclose to you all the information I have about text flirting, allow me to get real for a sec: We are currently at rock bottom in the grand scheme of flirting throughout history. As a collective of flirters both amateur and skilled, we’ve lowered our standards from months and months of formal courtship + curtsies, all the way down to sending an eggplant emoji in the vague hopes that its recipient isn’t totally creeped out. Is flirting through the ~cloud~ really where we are right now? Yes, dear readers, but it’s time we accept this abysmal excuse for white-gloved hand kissing and thank evolution for opposable thumbs that function on tiny keyboards.

Click through this slideshow to internalize what you should do, but mostly should NOT do, when you’re texting a Seriously Attractive Human (I’m talkin’ attractive on the inside, of course. Physical attractiveness can help, but a sturdy pair of lungs and functioning heart valves are all you can really ask for amiright? And a good sense of humor, I guess).

*Can I bring this acronym back?