Some of you have already gone to prom—and to you, we can only say, WE ARE SORRY. You were probably a hot, heated MESS, weren’t you? In fact, early reports show that 84% of you accidentally punched your limo driver in the throat, forgot to put on shoes, and had a panic black-out so intense that you don’t even remember your gut-wrenching parking lot medley of Justin Bieber’s greatest hits. Why did all of these tragedies occur? BECAUSE WE WEREN’T THERE TO HELP. But now we are, and so we present to you this CHECKLIST OF GREATNESS, a sparkling emblem of hope and semi-useful advice, straight from the mind of Chelsea Dagger, who only died twice at her own prom, and is therefore an expert at everything.
ONE WEEK BEFORE THE APOCALYPSE:
It’s crunch time, biddies. You have 7 days to prep and prime for the MOST MAGICAL NIGHT OF YOUR LIFEEE, so make sure you’ve done the following—and if you haven’t, GET ON IT, YOU SLACKERLY MANIAC.
-Schedule a hair appointment and find several photographs of styles you like. If you didn’t even know you HAD hair until this very second, check out this slideshow for suggestions, or watch my masterful(ly awful) instructional updo video, which features my enormous forehead and at least 4,056 bobby pins.
-Finalize limo arrangements—or at least bribe your dad into posing as a chauffeur and squeezing 15 teenagers into the back of his wood-paneled mini-van.
-Establish a “pre-prom photos” location and inform your date of the address. Whether your gang is going to gather at a friend’s house, a scenic parking lot, or a bridge overlooking the local ham factory, make sure everybody knows where to meet—and yes, you do have to invite your parents.
– Break in your new shoes. If taking a couple laps around the house in those 6-inch stilettos feels like walking over flaming glass, head to the store and get some magic science footstuffs.
– Order your date’s boutonniere and send him a friendly reminder about your corsage. “YO, BEEYOTCH, DID YOU GET MAH FLOWERTHANG?!” should do the job nicely.
-Take extra care of your skin. Slap on some moisturizer nightly, and if you’re acne-prone, use a blemish-clearing cream to get rid of any stubborn zits. Don’t experiment with any new products; Chelsea Dagger thought an oatmeal-egg-yolk face mask would be a good idea the week before prom, and 7 days later, she didn’t even HAVE A FACE. True story.
-Try on your dress and make sure it fits like a dream. Does it stay up even when you’re performing your semi-obscene Zac Efron-inspired dance routine? If you need anything altered, take it to a local tailor (or use safety pins, if you’re really in a pinch)!
THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM (AKA THE NIGHT BEFORE):
-RELAX. Paint your nails, lay out your make-ups, binge-watch Sherlock on Netflix, hang with your friends, barf nervously—whatever it takes to get you calm and collected for tomorrow. And guurrrll, get yourself to bed by 11 PM–they call it “beauty sleep” for a reason.
THE DAY OF THE DIZZ-ANCE:
-Don’t panic. JUST KIDDING. YOU SHOULD PANIC.
-But really, don’t panic. Do these things instead:
-Attend all of your appointments. THAT ONE’S EASY.
-Pick up your date’s boutonniere. If you’re beginning to get nervous, try spelling “boutonniere” backwards in your head. It’s impossible.
-Put your face on. Some mascara, lip color, and concealer and you’re practically JLaw (you are also JLaw if you skip makeup entirely!). WE’VE GOT A CERTIFIED HOTTIE ON OUR HANDS.
-Spritz on some perfume and apply clear deodorant—but remember, sweat ain’t nothin’ to be self-conscious about.
-Pack your purse with all the essentials: prom tickets, your student ID, gum (FOR KISSIN’!), your phone, some cash, lipgloss, a mirror and concealer for touch-ups, and your ever-handy “How To Slaughter Prom Zombies” handbook.
-You’re good to go—and Sparkler, you look FABTOWN. Grab your parents and head to the ham factory for photos/mingling/awkward conversations galore with your handsome date. And remember: prom is supposed to be FUN, so slap a smile on that gorgeous, shiny face of yours and GET AFTER IT.
[This post is from the SparkLife vault and was originally published AN ETERNITY AGO!]