The Official SparkLife Review of Hamilton
Last I spoke of Hamilton, I was out preaching the gospel of Lin-Manuel, freaking out over the possibility of spoken word textbooks in the future and swooning about Alex’s bone structure. History nerds, our time has come. It’s the dawn of a new age, and Lin is our President (I’d say king, but that seems wrong). Started from the bottom* now we here.
Before I begin, I’d like to tell you guys about the revelation I had as soon as I’d parked my butt in the Richard Rogers theater’s folding seat: In seventh grade, at the same time that my English teacher was running a poetry unit on Tupac (yes, really), my History teacher was schooling us on the Revolution. I AM FORTUNE’S FOOL. Anyway.
I have a lot to say about this musical, all of which I HAVE cried about and will again if you ask me about it in person. For one, I’m pleased to announce that Cory O’Brien was right: Alexander Hamilton is a straight-up G. For another, I’ve never in my life seen such a high concentration of sockèd calves and breeches in one place besides maybe a high school football game.
The calves weren’t the half of it, though. Hamilton had puns, it had waistcoats, it had hamstrings, it had more instances of grl power than Reynolds Pamphlets scattered all over the stage…
And it had not enough tricorn hats to contain my tears.
The room where it happens
The most buttery parts, in bold:
LIN’S FACE, which, unless prone to eyeball sweat, cried visible tears at least twice during the show. It’s no surprise that the entire theater collectively ceased to even when our Lord and Savior Lin-Manuel entered stage right in buckled shoes and pony tail. His first words—”Alexander Hamilton…“—made the audience do this weird little sob-squeak, which in retrospect might’ve just been me. What I’m sure of is that in that moment, all nine million people in the theater had 100% yielded to the Founding Fathers fandom, which meant that Lin was nine million steps closer to achieving world domination.
Lin singing while he sprinted up that staircase you see on the left of the stage three steps at a time, and Daveed Diggs spitting verbal flames while he ran down, AS IT SPUN. Idk. Idk.
George “Can I Be Real A Second” Washington: Once upon a time, I told you guys that I thought George Washington and his cherry tree should take a hike. I’m sorry. I take it back. Chris Jackson both stole my heart and revived my fascination with GW’s hair, which, for the record, was not a wig.
I remember reading a review that called his version of Washington “John Legend meets Mufasa,” and I’m here to report that while this is entirely accurate, I’d add that his performance can be summed up by either of these memes: #1, #2.
Renee Elise Goldsberry (Angelica Schuyler) pulling a Busta Rhymes in “Satisfied” (listen here). This woman can sing and she can rap and she holds it down on a stage full of dudes, thanks in part to LMM for letting us know that behind every Founding Father was an even greater boss lady. Most notably, on the Declaration of Independence: “When I meet Thomas Jefferson / I’m ‘a compel him to include women in the sequel.”
The on-stage makeouts. There are more than one.
Daveed Diggs’ beefcake French accent in a rap context, which is the best thing to happen on Earth since camembert. You probably know that Daveed doubles as General Marquis de Lafayette (spicy French dude, good friend of Hams) AND Thomas Jefferson (our third president), but what was news to me, was that I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone pull off a cravat that majestically in all my living days. P.s. He made it rain pamphlets, so now I know how to get people to read my opinion piece about use of cilantro in restaurants.
Jonathan Groffsauce a.k.a. King George yawping “John ADAMS???????” when he learns that’s who will be his former colonies’ second-ever president. Because in his mind, if this were High School Musical, he would be Corbin Bleu and John Adams would be Cafeteria Extra #17.*
*Buzzfeed told me my Founding Father soulmate was John Adams and I’m still mad about it.
All the times I thought, OH MY GOD:
Hams: “Don’t modulate the key, then not debate with me” OH MY GOD
Hams: “I’d rather be divisive than indecisive” OH MY GOD
Angelica: “Burr, you disgust me” / Burr: “Ah, so you’ve discussed me” OH MY GOD
Jefferson: “I get no satisfaction witnessing his fits of passion, he dresses like the pits of fashion” OH MY GOD
Jefferson: “If the shoe fits, wear it” / Hamilton: “Turn around, bend over, I’ll show you where my shoe fits” OH MY GOD
Me, mid-sob
Takeaways:
- Lin-Manuel Miranda can’t be human
- I ship Hamilton and Washington
- Potential spinoffs: Angelica and Eliza Take Miami, Mythbusters: Was John Adams a loser or NOT?, a talkshow hosted by Snoop Dogg and Lin as Alexander Hamilton, a historical version of Law & Order that focuses on illegal duels and Jack McCoy is Ben Franklin (?) Just spitballing.
It’s no coincidence that the popularity of Hamilton and and the popularization of the Founding Fathers fandom, hereby explained by Sparkitor Janet, happened simultaneously. The best thing about the fandom isn’t even its strange obsession with James Madison; it’s that there are NO SPOILERS, because history. Guys, people are cosplaying Angelica Schuyler. I saw the phrase “steampunk Hamilton” somewhere on Reddit. IMAGINE the possibilities, Sparklers. For example, a well-known pickup line, tailored to the fandom:
Person 1: Got a raisin?
Person 2: No
Person 1: How ’bout a date?
Person 2: Haha, that’s cute. Sure!
Person 1: September 25, 1789. Congress approves the Bill of Rights to amend the Constitution, which they subsequently submit to the states for ratification.
All in all, it’s an understatement to say that this musical is a holy combination of The People’s History of the United States, this gif, Life After Death, Veep, Beyoncé, whatever this is, and a mason jar of glitter, and I’m definitely in Thomas Jefferson cosplay right now.
WHAT’S THE BUTTERY-EST TRACK ON THE ALBUM, SPARKLERS? Are you sewing waistcoats as you read this?
