The Perks of Being an Only Child
Dear Parents of Only Me,
I am writing to you to let you know that I FORBID you to ever have a child that isn’t me. Under no circumstances will I allow you to reproduce ever again. (Also, ew!) Everything is currently all about me, and it better stay that way. I do not want to share my toys, my clothes, my bedroom, or the perks of being the only non-working person to benefit from your hard-earned income. I have thus far enjoyed the entirety of your attention, and expect nothing less from [undersigned date] until I choose to reproduce late in my thirties (if that is how my life decides to go). Thank you for being there for every single pool handstand I ever performed. Do not have any more children.
With warm regards and all my selfish love,
The Most Important Person in the Entire Whole Wide Universe: ME!
p.s. The only thing I would possibly consider accepting would be an identical twin.
Okay, but for realzies, I am an only child, and have loved every second of it. I get personally offended when people tell parents it’s “unfair” to only have one child or that being the only kid in a home necessarily means a boring childhood. Granted, I grew up in the most exciting city in the universe (New York), so I didn’t an excuse to be “bored” (it also helps that I have the world’s worst case of FOMO that has ever been self-diagnosed), but ultimately, being an only child has truly shaped who I am and I am grateful for it. Here’s why…
Only Children Are Totally Cool with Being Alone
Having spent a good deal of time by myself in my room as a child, I am used to those moments when there’s no one around and there’s no cell-phone service, because… are we ever really alone anymore? I always found ways to entertain myself from reading to playing my Gameboy to thinking about how I would booby trap my apartment if it ever got burgled, Home Alone 2 style. I spent hours writing, drawing, day-dreaming about Robert Pattinson*—I generated hours of wholesome* entertainment, all inside my head. As a Grown, I’m not afraid to go to the bathroom without my girlfriends (I never understood the need for a chaperone) or even go out for lunch by myself, and I think I’m better for it.
Only Children Have the Ability to Speak to Adults
Of course I did all the normal kid-things like go to school, play in the playground, and take gymnastics class, but most of my time growing up was spent around adults. This has helped me throughout my life, like, it was an easy transition from being the friend that you definitely want a playdate with because I’m impressively polite to your parents, to being the girlfriend you can’t wait to introduce to your family (any takers?) to being the student who isn’t afraid to go to my professors during their office hours for help with an assignment.
I also created life-long meaningful friendships from an early age with family members and teachers who I still keep in touch with today.
Only Children Are Not Afraid to Ask for Things They Want
Look, I’m not gonna lie, I was definitely spoiled, and I’m very used to getting what I want. However, I give big ups to my parents who brought me up well—while I’m USED to getting what I want, I certainly don’t EXPECT IT.
It would never occur to me not to ask for a spot in someone’s comedy show, a raise at work, or my friend’s leftover french fries. Because, what do I have to lose by asking?
Only Children Obviously Don’t Have Any Sibling Rivalry
I mean I’m sure the love between siblings is something I’ve missed out on and will never understand, but I’ve also seen some intense fights between my friends and their brothers and sisters, and I also saw The Good Son, with Macauley Culkin and young Frodo Baggins, and, *geeze*… that’s some scary stuff, there.
Only Children LOVE Attention
I realize that’s not supposed to be a good thing, but a big part of my personality is having fun and being loud about it. If you want to text all day about the guy sitting across from you in biology, I AM THERE FOR YOU with an army of emojis at my disposal. In any case, I’ve channelled that only-child energy into improv, which I have been studying and performing for four years now, and not only provides me with a stage and some bright lights, but has given me an amazing community of honorary sisters and brothers who aren’t horrified to see me in a flesh-colored body stocking or gerkin costume. Who knows if I ever would have stumbled upon my second family if I had been content with NOT having a bunch of strangers watch me and judge my jokes?
Anyway, I think there are pros and cons to being any part of the birth order, but please think twice before “feeling bad” for someone who doesn’t have siblings. So far, it’s been pretty good!
If you want a DIFFERENT perspective on being an only child, head over to Ashley’s post! Does it rule? Yay or nay?
