Not all Halloween candy is good, and every single one of us will be better off if we just admit that.
Look, I get it: beggars can’t be choosers. And you’re never more of a beggar than when you’re traipsing through the neighborhood dressed as sexy Ash Ketchum, holding out your plastic pumpkin pail and praying no one gives you dental floss or a hot sauce packet from Taco Bell.
But that doesn’t mean you have to be happy about it. These are, I think we can all agree, the worst kinds of “candy” people give out on Halloween:
Mounds bars are a scourge upon polite society. We all know this, and yet we hand them out every year. Why do we do this to each other?
Almond Joys are the poor man’s Mounds. I imagine whoever created them pitched this idea by saying, “Let’s take everybody’s least favorite fodder for candy and add almonds into the mix, because there’s just not enough suffering to go around in this ruined world.”
They do not look the way they taste, and I find that irresponsible.
I actually like Smarties, but I have sense enough to admit that they are terrible and I am terrible for enjoying them.
No one can agree on whether candy corn is good or bad. I’m not even going to throw my hat into the ring on that one, because it’s a good way to get people wishing death upon you and your children and your children’s children. But the big pumpkin-shaped hunks of pure, uncut sugar that come in variety packs? Now that’s just taking things way too far.
I can’t even talk about it.
These are given out almost exclusively by middle-aged dads who have the gall to ask what you’re even supposed to be, like it’s your fault he’s so far removed from the cultural zeitgeist that he doesn’t know Thomas Jefferson’s purple velvet suit when he sees it.
Good & Plenty
I know someone who likes these, which is inconceivable, I know, but I assure you she is just as real as you or I.
Halloween is the one sacred day that elderly people all over the world are able to purge these hell candies from their personal stores. They stock up on them all year long, like squirrels gathering nuts. Everyone’s grandparents are gathering Necco Wafers just hoping to survive another season.
Milk Maid Caramels
Whenever I see that pink and purple packaging, I am classically conditioned to throw these little caramel cubes straight into the trash, lest I spend the rest of my life locked in a state of eternal hate-chewing.
Milk Duds are a poor excuse for candy, and that is just a fact. People will foist them upon your begrudging person all night long and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
Those generic taffy things that come in the black and orange wrappers
I don’t even know what these are. I don’t know what they are made of, nor do I know from which hell portal they emerged on humanity’s darkest day. All I know is that when someone leaves out a bowl of candy with a sign that says “Take one,” these bite-sized ingots of misery are the only thing that’s left because they appeal to virtually no one—not even the grubby hands of unchecked childhood greed.