This Is What It Would Be Like If Shia LaBeouf Took You to Prom

Shia LaBeouf is a man of mystery, memes, and sad, soulful eyes. He’s been our favorite person in the world (twice), captivated the internet with his laughter and tears, spent recent months learning the art of forced communication, and occasionally works as an actor. (He also once had this ponytail, which made us very unhappy.)

What will his next performance be? What if it was escorting you to prom, perhaps with a paper bag over his head? Here’s what I imagine that might look like…

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, he would tell you that his friend Tom was driving you both up to the dance. At 6:30 p.m., you would go outside after hearing a horn honk on the street. A small, black pug with a collar that said “Tom” would be sitting in the driver’s seat of an aquamarine limousine. There would be no one else around.

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, he would wear a pink tuxedo jacket, an Avril Lavigne t-shirt, camouflage pants, and Crocs. He would also wear a large, feathered Mardi Gras mask on the back of his head so he “didn’t miss a moment of the magic.”

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, a man named Square would land in your cul-de-sac in a helicopter to deliver your corsage. Shia would give him a curt nod and say, “A life for a life. My debt is repaid.”

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, he would take you to a hole-in-the-wall, fusion Italian/Japanese restaurant for dinner. While eating your lasagna roll and raw crab pasta, he would tell you that he was an old soul, newly reborn. You would nod because you think he might be right.

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, you would arrive at the Medieval Magic-themed prom and be greeted by a chorus of trumpets. Shia would quickly usher you inside, muttering about the “untrustworthiness of horned men.”

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, he would live-broadcast the two of you dancing as part of a worldwide “Live Prom.” On his website, people from around the globe would simultaneously be streaming their own prom nights to form one massive, online dance party. You would not be able to remember being happier.

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, when you introduced him to your friends he would give them very particular compliments like, “Your soul has seen many things and is much the wiser” and “Only you understand the multitudes contained in Taylor Lautner’s portrayal of Jacob. Because you are a true artist.” They would all tell you that he was the greatest man they had ever met.

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, you would find him modeling an intricate structure out of punch glasses, toothpicks, and celery. When you asked him what he was building, he would tell you he was trying to figure out the exact dimensions of his mind palace.

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, he would hand out bananas to everyone who seemed to be at prom by themselves. Each time he would say, “Never fear. There’s always a banana.”

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, he would win prom king. His speech would include a short soft-shoe performance and end with him giving out his personal phone number. When people called it the answering machine message would say, “Welcome. This is a safe space. I will never listen to these messages, so you can say whatever you need to without judgment. If you’re looking to reach me, you’ll never find me.”

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, he would keep a journal all night of how many people he saw wearing hats. He would note what sort of hat it was and approximately what size he thought it might be. At 1:49 a.m., he would tally up something in the notebook, laugh loudly, and say, “Time to go!”

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, he would not turn on the radio in the limo on the way home. Instead, he would show you his collection of antique music boxes. He would sit in front of each one and sing the song it would have played rather than wind them. He said he only did this on very special occasions like Guy Fawkes Day or when he had baked muffins.

If Shia LaBeouf took you to prom, you would ask to take a picture of the two of you at the end of the night. He would stop you and say, “I like it this way,” and point to his temple.

Is Shia your dream date or was it all a dream?