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What Famous Authors Would Think of The Last Jedi

The reviews are in. Officially, The Last Jedi is a huge box office success. Unofficially, it’s one of the most divisive movies of 2017. Either you loved it with the passion of a thousand fiery double sunsets on Tatooine, or you were extremely disappointed and now hate everything Rian Johnson stands for.

One of my favorite parts about this whole deal is that everyone has felt the need to make some sort of statement. Even my cousin who only has two Twitter followers was like “OKAY, I HAVE FINALLY SEEN THE LAST JEDI, AND HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS (thread) 1/43.”

In the spirit of that, here’s what I’m pretty sure these famous authors would have to say on the subject. Warning: mild, vaguely worded spoilers ahead.

“‘You’re nothing, but not to me’ is such a Mr. Darcyish line that I feel Rian Johnson should be paying me royalties.” —Jane Austen

“Not enough whales for my liking. One star.” —Herman Melville

“I was definitely a fan of the way the main conflict hinged on one giant misunderstanding that had catastrophic consequences for everyone involved.” —William Shakespeare

“I liked the part where that one beloved character died tragically. That was cool.” —J.K. Rowling

“My favorite character was the Byronic antihero who murders people but is also hot. I’m firmly of the opinion that he and Rey should have gotten married and/or died of tuberculosis, and the fact that they didn’t do either one or both of these things has severely lowered the movie in my estimation.” —Emily Brontë

“Given that it usually takes me multiple pages to describe something as simple as a potato, I think it will come as no surprise that my favorite part of this movie was when it took about five minutes for two characters to hold hands.” —Nathaniel Hawthorne

“I liked the relentless feeling of failure and hopelessness that pervaded the film. Four stars.” —Ernest Hemingway

“There was not nearly enough homoerotic subtext between Finn and Poe. Overall, this movie was a great disappointment to me.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald