Does it seem like everyone and his grandmother wants to know what you’re doing with your life? I’ll bet it does. As you get older, that’s just something that happens. But what those people fail to realize is that when it comes to planning for the future, we’re all just kids at a birthday party blindly pinning the tail on the donkey of our careers. Luckily for you, maybe I can help you narrow it down to one particular donkey. I’m getting lost in this analogy. Just read on. These are 100% real suggestions.
Professional Fan-fiction Writer
Did you neglect that 42-chapter Dramione fic because of pesky things like school? Dust it off! Right now! Look at the inexplicable success of books like 50 Shades of Grey, or the sheer number of Sherlock Holmes adaptations that are on the market as we speak. Even established writers like Anthony Horowitz are bringing their fanboy A-game to the table with pieces like Moriarty. And he’s not the only one: Jodi Lynn Anderson gave us a new look at Peter Pan with Tiger Lily, and Malinda Lo wrote a lesbian retelling of Cinderella. Go out there, make your OTP happen, and earn money doing it!
What is a religion, anyway? Just a bunch of people that like a thing. If you’re good with people (is that even real? I digress), then use those unfathomable skills of yours and start a religion! Be it a super-secret cult of hot chocolate connoisseurs or a fan club of Chris Evans’s bubble butt (you’re welcome), you’re guaranteed to find someone who shares your passion. Charge entry fees and membership and soon you’ll be well on your way to becoming the next big thing.
The New Obama
Obama will soon be stepping down from his (presumably) super comfy chair at the White House. Whether you’re leaning towards Hillary or thinking about backing Donald, there’s no denying that Obama’s not like a regular president, he’s a cool president. What’s gonna happen to America after he’s gone? We’ve had a president who wields a mean selfie stick; we can’t go back to the way things were. Who will fill the void? It could be you! Put on your shades, practice that poker face in the mirror, and you’ll be one never-ending election cycle away from tackling the most important issue of our time: too-loud commercial breaks. Well, one of the most important issues, anyway.
If your procrastination routine doesn’t involve looking at cat videos, you’re either lying or not human. The amount of times I considered throwing away my degree and just becoming a full-time cat filmmaker is higher than I care to confess openly, but now that I’ve finished school, what’s stopping me? What’s stopping you? If you were ever a babysitter, you’ve probably dealt with your share of annoying kids, but cats? Cats are a different story. Cats don’t scream their head off and stick Legos up their nose. In addition to getting paid, you’ll be getting free cuddles, laughs, and YouTube followers. Will you go down in cinematic history as the next Pedro Almodovar? I mean, no. You’re making cat videos. Keep your eyes on the prize, Spielberg.
Have you ever caught yourself sighing wistfully at the end of a Disney film, wishing you could be one of the princesses? Well, now you can! They’re pretty strict at Disneyland in case you wanted to audition for Snow White or Ursula (whatever floats your boat!), but in this day and age, with the power of make-up, sewing machines, and Instagram, the world is your oyster. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom, wear a hijab, or even if you’re a guy. Want to be a Disney princess? Go be a Disney princess!
The Next Internet Phenomenon
How many social apps do you have on your phone? I’m guessing a lot. With new ones popping up every five minutes, the number of ways you could become famous increases accordingly. Apparently all you have to do nowadays is slap on a Chewbacca mask or have deep Snapchat thoughts about potatoes and let the rest take care of itself. If you have perseverance, an outgoing attitude, and good eyebrows, you’ll be making the morning show circuit in no time.
This is one of those cool jobs you always kind of wished you had, especially if you come from a non-English background and have a real passion for details (hi, I’m Kal). It’s nice being privy to certain nuances when you come from the culture being depicted onscreen, and working as a culture consultant gives you the chance to be a smartass about it. I have no knowledge of how much money someone got paid to write the Polish dialogue in the recent X-Men: Apocalypse film, but I do know a) how terrible it was and b) how much money they could have saved by letting me do it for a lock of James McAvoy’s hair.
Fortune Cookie Writer
Have you ever felt like you’ve been burdened with the wisdom of the ages? Do all your friends come to you for advice? Is your favorite movie The Fountain? Then you may very well have a talent for predicting the future and putting it in cookies. Lift someone’s spirit! Take someone down a peg! Tell that shy guy to finally ask out the girl he likes! End a family feud! Just be careful—with great cookie power comes great responsibility, and that’s definitely the quote. Don’t @ me.