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What You’ll Be Doing on Spring Break vs. What Everyone Else Will Be Doing

If you’re actually doing something over spring break, well, that’s cool, I guess. Congrats on having a life. Anyway, you might as well clear out now; there’s nothing here for you. Today I’m speaking directly to those who will, like me, be practicing the age-old tradition of just not leaving the house for an entire week and hoping your friends don’t forget about you while they’re off lounging on beaches and falling in love with sexy lifeguards or whatever it is people do on spring break.

Let’s commiserate together, shall we?

What other people will be doing on spring break: Having the time of their life with twenty of their closest friends.
What you will be doing: Making plans to go out and then canceling them so you can spend the night lying in bed and switching between the same three apps for six hours.

What other people will be doing on spring break: Going on vacation somewhere tropical.
What you will be doing: Getting annoyed when Netflix has the gall to ask if you’re “still watching.” Eventually your laptop will overheat and make a noise like a plane taking off, which is kind of like going on vacation somewhere tropical, if you think about it.

What other people will be doing on spring break: Wearing new bathing suits that look really good on them.
What you will be doing: Changing out of your pajamas into different pajamas.

What other people will be doing on spring break: Eating delicious foods they’ve never tried before.
What you will be doing: Getting takeout and then spending an anxious forty-five minutes trying to find a show to watch because you don’t want to waste this meal on something substandard.

What other people will be doing on spring break: Drinking something fruity out of a glass with a little umbrella in it.
What you will be doing: Creating an elaborate system of bendy straws so that you can sip the can of Mountain Dew on your bedside table with minimal effort.

What other people will be doing on spring break: Swimming with dolphins.
What you will be doing: Googling how far away we as a society are from robot butlers, because every time you have to get up and go to the kitchen for snacks, well, that’s thirty seconds of your life you could’ve spent watching Vine compilations.

What other people will be doing on spring break: Documenting their life-changing vacation experience on Instagram.
What you will be doing: Scrolling forlornly through said pictures, knowing full and damn well the only thing you did today was move the Pile of Clothes from your bed to the chair.

What other people will be doing on spring break: Achieving that elusively flawless suntan.
What you will be doing: Forgetting to drink water. Leveraging your desire to get up and turn the lights on against the fact that you’re comfortable where you are so you just let your bedroom get dark around you. Sleeping until noon and then feeling like you didn’t do anything meaningful with your day, so you find yourself drowning in existential ennui. Also you are knee-deep in leftover pizza, you haven’t left the house in days, and your skin is so pale that’s physically blinding.

What other people will be doing on spring break: Lounging poolside and getting a jumpstart on the assigned reading.
What you will be doing: Anything but that.