What Your Hogwarts Letter Would Look Like if It Were Actually Honest

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore

(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards, Dubiously
Omniscient Life Ruiner)

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased and frankly a little apprehensive to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment, and may they protect you on the dark and dangerous journey that lies ahead.

Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July, otherwise you will be barred from admission. Should you attempt to approach the castle thereafter, we will be forced to release the hounds.

Good night, and good luck.

Yours sincerely,

Deputy Headmistress
Transfiguration Professor

UNIFORM

First-year students will require:

1. Three sets of plain work robes (black), which you will wear for approximately two years and then never again
2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear (see above) (we actually just make the first years wear them because it’s funny)
3. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar), because as an eleven-year-old child you just never know what kind of noxious substances you’ll be handling
4. One winter cloak (black, with silver fastenings), which is optional, I suppose, but good luck tracking down unicorns and werewolves in the death forest without a good cloak

Please note that all pupil’s clothes should carry name tags. Filch steals them sometimes and we don’t yet know why.

COURSE BOOKS

All students should have a copy of each of the following:

Basically Just a Glossary of Magic (Grade 1)
by Miranda Goshawk

My Name Will Be Important Later So Don’t Forget It
by Bathilda Bagshot

Essentially the Wizarding Version of Your AP Bio Textbook
by Adalbert Waffling

Transfiguration for Dummies
by Emeric Switch

I Felt Compelled to Pursue Herbology As a Career Path Because Of My Name
by Phyllida Spore

If Harry Had Cracked This One Open Even Once, He Would’ve Known What You Get By Adding Powdered Root of Asphodel to an Infusion of Wormwood
by Arsenius Jigger

The Next Big Warner Bros. Money-Spinner
by Newt Scamander

The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection That Nobody Will Bother to Read Until Fifth Year
by Quentin Trimble

OTHER EQUIPMENT

1 wand (maybe bring a spare, just in case yours gets snapped in half by the sentient tree we insist on keeping here for some reason)
1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)
1 set glass or crystal phials
1 telescope
1 set brass scales

Students may also bring, if they desire, an owl OR a cat OR a toad (but don’t really bring a toad—as a pet it’s not worth much, and as a status symbol it’s worth even less).

PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS
ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICK

THIS RULE IS NULL AND VOID IF YOU DEFEATED
A DARK WIZARD IN YOUR INFANCY

Yours sincerely,

Chief Attendant of Witchcraft Provisions