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"He needed me, and I couldn’t pick up. I just couldn’t pick up. I just couldn’t. Are you there? He asked eleven times. I know, because I’ve counted. . . . Sometimes I think he knew I was there. Maybe he kept saying it to give me time to get brave enough to pick it up."

Oskar says this to William Black in Chapter 15 when he confesses that he refused to answer the phone when his dad called on 9/11. While we have known for some time that Oskar tried to hide the fact that his dad left messages from his mom, this moment reveals that what Oskar has really been hiding is his own feelings of failure. Oskar’s previous observation that his dad never said, “I love you,” at the end becomes all the more tragic as we realize that he believes his dad died disappointed in him. After making this confession, Oskar asks for William Black’s forgiveness, which seems odd at first. Oskar has said from the start that he believed finding the lock would bring him closer to his dad, but instead, the quest has brought Oskar to William. As the person that Oskar’s quest has unlocked, William becomes the best person Oskar can think of to forgive him. 

This quotation also reveals the depth of Oskar’s insecurity about his role in his family. Throughout the novel, Oskar expresses a need to protect his mom and grandma instead of allowing them to protect him. He zips up his mom’s dress, something that a parent might do for a child, caring for her. When we read Oskar’s understanding of his dad’s last message, we realize that he has misheard his dad’s attempts to comfort him as his failure to comfort his dad. Throughout this chapter, Oskar’s world is reordered to allow him to be a child again. At the beginning, Oskar sees that Mr. Black has distilled him into the word “son.” This word places Oskar back into the role of someone who needs to be protected and cared for. Later in the chapter, he discovers that his mom had overseen his entire quest from afar, acting as a caring mother even if he couldn’t see it. By the end of the novel, Oskar realizes that despite his loss of innocence, he’s still allowed to be a child.

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