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I want to lash out at him and react like I always wish my mother would have reacted when my father hurt her, but deep down I want to believe that it really was an accident.
When Lily observed her mother’s abuse, she wondered why her mother didn’t stand up for herself. But when faced with her own abusive relationship, she realizes that living in denial is easier and less painful than admitting the truth – that the person you love and who supposedly loves you is willing to hurt you. In Chapter Fourteen, Lily allows herself to think that Ryle’s behavior was accidental, even though she always told herself that she would never let someone treat her the way her father treated her mother. Thus, the cycle of abuse continues.
Some waves are much bigger and make more of an impact than others. Sometimes the waves bring with them things from deep in the bottom of the sea and they leave those things tossed onto the shore. Imprints against the grains of sand that prove the waves had once been there, long after the tide recedes.
In Chapter Seventeen, Lily compares the different people she will meet throughout her life with waves, explaining that some “waves” will have more of an effect on your life and will leave both positive and negative marks on you even once they’re gone. Lily’s father has left a deep mark on her, and even though he’s dead, she will never be fully rid of the trauma from his abuse. Ryle will similarly affect her ability to trust. However, Atlas left a positive mark, giving Lily hope that there were people in the world that she could trust to love and care for her, and who would never give her a reason to fear them.
I have no idea how bad I’m hurt, but I don’t even care. No physical pain could even compare to what my heart is feeling in this moment.
For Lily, the most painful part of being the victim of Ryle’s abuse is his betrayal of their partnership, their shared love, and their bond of trust. This quote from Chapter Nineteen shows that while the physical pain is significant, and Lily often requires medical attention due to Ryle’s abuse, the emotional pain is far worse. While it is frightening to be attacked, it is far more horrifying to be attacked by someone who is supposed to protect you and nurture you.
People spend so much time wondering why the women don’t leave. Where are all the people who wonder why the men are even abusive? Isn’t that where the only blame should be placed?
In It Ends with Us, Lily explains that both she and her mother had several reasons not to leave their abusive partners. For her mother, financial security was a big concern. For Lily, it was her belief that Ryle was a genuinely good person who was only acting badly due to childhood trauma. Both Lily and her mother loved their husbands and normalized the violence in order to deny the reality of their circumstances. However, Lily remarks in Chapter Twenty-Four that many people spend much more time questioning and judging women for failing to leave abusive relationships than they do judging men for being abusers. This reaction unfairly puts the onus of ending abuse on victims of abuse rather than the abusers themselves.
…sometimes the things that matter to you most are also the things that hurt you the most. And in order to get over that hurt, you have to sever all the extensions that keep you tethered to that pain.
In Chapter Twenty-Five, as Lily attempts to organize her broken life and make decisions about how she’ll move forward, she realizes that she needs a clean break from the people who are causing chaos, confusion, and pain in her life – namely, Ryle. Although Lily still loves Ryle, she also recognizes that her love for him is causing her to keep going back to him, which in turn brings only deep pain. The only way for her to end the pain of their relationship is to sever ties with him. For a time, that means stopping all communication with Ryle. Later, when they have reconciled enough to coparent, it means ending their marriage.
I feel robbed of the joy a mother should have when she finds out she’s pregnant. I feel like Ryle took that from me last night and it’s just one more thing I have to hate him for.
Lily and Ryle’s abusive relationship is complicated further by an unexpected pregnancy. This pregnancy means that Lily will never fully be able to remove Ryle from her life, and that she will also have to be resigned to her violent husband having some sort of custody over her child. In Chapter Twenty-Six, the stress of these circumstances spoils what should be a completely joyful time of celebration. Lily hates Ryle for not only destroying their marriage but also for destroying their chance at being a happy, unbroken family.
