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“I FELT LIKE CRYING,
which felt like
another person
trapped behind my face
tiny fists punching
the backs of my eyes
feet kicking
my throat
at the spot where the swallow
starts.
Stay put, I whispered to him.
Stay strong, I whispered to me.
Because crying
is against
The
Rules.
In this section, 26. I Felt Like Crying, Will is listening to his mother crying and taking breaths in between her sobs. He also feels like crying but cannot because of The Rules. As a result, he feels a split within himself, as though the part of him that wants to mourn and cry is a separate person from him. This small person wants so badly to get out of Will that he punches and kicks from within Will’s face. Will commands this second self to stay put, demanding that his emotions not be expressed. He also commands himself to stay strong, suggesting how difficult it is for him to hold back his emotions and how powerful the mandate to remain strong is. This scene hints that Will may want to grieve like his mother, out loud and directly, but instead, because he is male, he is forced to repress his emotions, which manifest as violent sensations within him.
“THE WAY I FELT
when Dani was killed
was a first.
Never felt nothing like it.
I stood in the shower
the next morning
after Shawn taught me
the first rule,
no crying,
feeling like
I wanted to scratch
my skin off scratch
my eyes out punch
through something,
a wall,
a face,
anything,
so something else
could have
a hole.”
Section 121. The Way I Felt describes how Will feels during one of his first experiences of mourning and how difficult it is for him when his brother teaches him that he’s not allowed to cry. Will implies that he wants to cry but is forbidden to and this thwarted desire manifests itself as feelings of internal violence. The sensation of wanting to scratch his eyes or skin off evokes a sense of wild grief, as though, without a proper expression, his pain is an out-of-control animal within him, committing violence against himself. The need to create a hole in something, which is a desire to inflict damage, seems borne out of Will’s inability to move the immense, overwhelming energy of grief through his body in any other way. This early experience of burying his emotions shows up again and again throughout his life, and by the time he loses his brother, he is skilled at suppressing his feelings. His plan for revenge is his first attempt to enact his inner violence on the world.
“BUCK WAS TWO-SIDED.
Two dads,
step and real.
Step raised him:
a preacher,
a real preacher,
not scared of no one,
praying for anyone,
helping everyone.
Real run through him:
a bank robber,
would steal air from the world
if he could get his hands on it.”
Section 222. Buck Was Two-Sided comes as Will begins to describe how Buck’s life ended at Frick’s hands; Buck says that the only reason people know Buck’s government name is because they read it on his tombstone. Here, Will describes two versions of the father and two versions of masculinity. One version of masculinity pairs strength with peace and community support. The other version of masculinity is acquiring, taking from instead of giving to the world. Buck ultimately chooses to follow in his real father’s footsteps and chooses a violent, emotionally repressed form of masculinity. This suggests how difficult it is in their neighborhood to follow the healthier model of masculinity. Will compares the badness in Buck’s blood to the nighttime, or the darkness that the men in the neighborhood are vulnerable too, the darkness that leads to cruelty, violence, and aggression.
