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We must always honor the wishes of others before our own. We will make the way smooth by restraining emotion . . . To try to meet one’s own needs in spite of the wishes of others is to be “wagamama”—selfish and inconsiderate . . . It is such a tangle trying to decipher the needs and intents of others.

Naomi channels the voice of Obasan, and her other traditional relatives, in this explanation of what it means to be wagamama versus what it means to be generous and selfless. According to Naomi’s characterization, it is important to be emotionally restrained not for the sake of your own dignity, but for the sake of other people’s happiness. Those around you will feel comfortable if you are serene, whereas displays of emotion might make them feel awkward. Of all of the characters in the novel, Obasan is most successful at keeping her own emotions in check and putting the needs of others above her own. It is no coincidence that she is also the most silent and inexpressive character in the novel. If restraint of emotion and consideration for others is good, the erasure of visible emotion and the total subsuming of self to others is best by extension.

The final sentence of this passage is itself quiet and restrained, but it hides a world of passionate objection to the beliefs held by Obasan and Naomi’s mother. In fact, we could argue that the last sentence is not restrained at all, but rather that it quivers with barely suppressed anger. What Naomi hints at here and spells out elsewhere in the narrative is that self-effacement and suppression of emotion can lead to utter disaster. If you spend all of your time thinking about what other people need, she suggests, you wind up neglecting your own needs. Moreover, the theory behind this traditional view of good behavior may be fundamentally flawed. To put the desires of other people above your own desires is to assume that other people are just as well-intentioned as you are, and that their desires are just as noble. But what if what other people want is to rob you, drive you from your home, and strip you of your basic rights? Should you then stay silent, suppress your emotions, and put your own needs behind those of your would-be oppressors? For Naomi, the answer is clearly no. She worries that her aunt and mother’s system of thought is part of what left her people so vulnerable to the cruelties of the Canadian government.

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