No Fear Shakespeare: All's Well That Ends Well: Act 1 Scene 1

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Enter young BERTRAM COUNT OF ROSSILLION, his mother the COUNTESS, and HELEN, LORD LAFEW, all in black.	Young BERTRAM COUNT OF ROSSILLION comes in with his mother the COUNTESS, LORD LAFEW, and HELEN, all wearing black.
COUNTESS In delivering my son from me, I bury a second husband.	COUNTESS Saying goodbye to my son feels like losing another husband.
BERTRAM And I in going, madam, weep o’er my father’s death anew; but I must attend his Majesty’s 5 command, to whom I am now in ward, evermore in subjection.	BERTRAM And, for me, leaving makes me mourn my father all over again, but I have to go. The King has called for me and, now that I’m under his guardianship, I must always serve him.
LAFEW You shall find of the King a husband, madam; you, sir, a father. He that so generally is at all times good must of necessity hold his virtue to you, 10 whose worthiness would stir it up where it wanted rather than lack it where there is such abundance.	LAFEW The King will be like a husband to you, madam, and to you, Bertram, like a father. He’s proven to be a good man, so surely he’ll be good to you, especially because your family is important to him. Given his generosity, he will be good to you no matter what.
COUNTESS What hope is there of his Majesty’s amendment?	COUNTESS Is there any hope that the King’s health will improve?
LAFEW He hath abandoned his physicians, madam, 15 under whose practices he hath persecuted time with hope, and finds no other advantage in the process but only the losing of hope by time.	LAFEW He's lost faith in his doctors, madam. Over time, all their treatments have done is make him lose hope that he will get better.
COUNTESS This young gentlewoman had a father—O, that “had,” how sad a passage ’tis!—whose skill 20 was almost as great as his honesty; had it stretched so far, would have made nature immortal, and death should have play for lack of work. Would for the King’s sake he were living! I think it would be the death of the King’s disease.	COUNTESS This young woman had a father—it’s so sad to speak of him in the past tense!—who was as almost as talented as he was honest. And if he were, he would have cured everyone and eliminated death. If only he were alive today to help the King! He would cure him for sure.
LAFEW 25 How called you the man you speak of, madam?	LAFEW What is the name of the man you are talking about?
COUNTESS He was famous, sir, in his profession, and it was his great right to be so: Gerard de Narbon.	COUNTESS He was famous in his profession, sire, and rightfully so: Gerard de Narbon.
LAFEW He was excellent indeed, madam. The King 30 very lately spoke of him admiringly, and mourningly. He was skillful enough to have lived still, if knowledge could be set up against mortality.	LAFEW He was indeed superior, madam. Just recently the King was speaking highly of him, mourning his passing. He was smart enough to keep himself alive, if only he was smart enough to beat mortality.
BERTRAM What is it, my good lord, the King languishes of?	BERTRAM What is it, my good lord, that our King is suffering from?
LAFEW 35 A fistula, my lord.	LAFEW A fistula A fistula is an abnormal opening or passage from one organ to another. fistula, my lord.
BERTRAM I heard not of it before.	BERTRAM I’ve never heard of that.
LAFEW I would it were not notorious.—Was this gentlewoman the daughter of Gerard de Narbon?	LAFEW Don’t tell anyone. This woman is the daughter of Gerard de Narbon?
COUNTESS His sole child, my lord, and bequeathed to 40 my overlooking. I have those hopes of her good that her education promises. Her dispositions she inherits, which makes fair gifts fairer; for where an unclean mind carries virtuous qualities, there commendations go with pity—they are virtues and 45 traitors too. In her they are the better for their simpleness. She derives her honesty and achieves her goodness.	COUNTESS Yes, his only child, my lord, and he left her under my guardianship. My hope is she will live up to her education. She inherited her temperament from her father, making her even more beautiful. If a virtuous woman has immoral thoughts, it’s both admirable and pitiful, because she’s capable of being both virtuous and traitorous. But her qualities are pure. She inherited her honesty and has proven she is good.
LAFEW Your commendations, madam, get from her tears.	LAFEW Your praise, madam, is evident in her tears.
COUNTESS 50 ’Tis the best brine a maiden can season her praise in. The remembrance of her father never approaches her heart but the tyranny of her sorrows takes all livelihood from her cheek.—No more of this, Helena. Go to. No more, lest it be 55 rather thought you affect a sorrow than to have—	COUNTESS The tears of an unmarried woman say a lot about her virtue. When she remembers her father, her sorrow dominates and tears fall relentlessly down her cheeks. Let’s stop these tears, Helena. Please, no more. People might think you are pretending to be sad rather than—
HELEN I do affect a sorrow indeed, but I have it too.	HELEN I may be crying on the outside, but I am crying inside too.
LAFEW Moderate lamentation is the right of the dead, excessive grief the enemy to the living.	LAFEW It’s right to mourn the dead, but to do so excessively ruins your life.
COUNTESS If the living be enemy to the grief, the 60 excess makes it soon mortal.	COUNTESS If mourning ruins life, then mourning excessively will kill those who mourn.
BERTRAM Madam, I desire your holy wishes.	BERTRAM Madam, I would like your blessing.
LAFEW How understand we that?	LAFEW What do we think about that?
COUNTESS Be thou blessed, Bertram, and succeed thy father In manners as in shape. Thy blood and virtue 65 Contend for empire in thee, and thy goodness Share with thy birthright. Love all, trust a few, Do wrong to none. Be able for thine enemy Rather in power than use, and keep thy friend Under thy own life’s key Be checked for silence, 70 But never taxed for speech. What heaven more will, That thee may furnish and my prayers pluck down, Fall on thy head. To LAFEW. Farewell, my lord. ’Tis an unseasoned courtier. Good my lord, Advise him.	COUNTESS Bless you, Bertram, and may you be like your father in personality and appearance. Your legacy and integrity fight for supremacy within you, and being good is part of your family history. Love everyone, trust some; don’t do anyone wrong. Prevail among your enemies by using your power, not abusing it, and cherish your friends as much as you cherish your own life. Be admonished for staying quiet, but not for talking too much. Whatever heaven bestows you with, may it be good and answer my prayers! To LAFEW. Goodbye, my lord. He’s an inexperienced nobleman. It’s good to advise him.
LAFEW 75 He cannot want the best that shall Attend his love.	LAFEW I will give him the best advice possible.
COUNTESS Heaven bless him.—Farewell, Bertram.	COUNTESS God bless him.—Goodbye, Bertram.
BERTRAM The best wishes that can be forged in your thoughts be servants to you. COUNTESS exits. 80 To HELEN. Be comfortable to my mother, your mistress, and make much of her.	BERTRAM All the best to you. COUNTESS exits. To HELEN. Care for my mother, your mistress, and keep her good company.
LAFEW Farewell, pretty lady. You must hold the credit of your father.	LAFEW Goodbye, pretty lady. You must uphold your father’s reputation
BERTRAM and LAFEW exit.	BERTRAM and LAFEW exit.
HELEN O, were that all! I think not on my father, 85 And these great tears grace his remembrance more Than those I shed for him. What was he like? I have forgot him. My imagination Carries no favor in ’t but Bertram’s. I am undone. There is no living, none, 90 If Bertram be away. ’Twere all one That I should love a bright particular star And think to wed it, he is so above me. In his bright radiance and collateral light Must I be comforted, not in his sphere. 95 Th’ ambition in my love thus plagues itself: The hind that would be mated by the lion Must die for love. ’Twas pretty, though a plague, To see him every hour, to sit and draw His archèd brows, his hawking eye, his curls 100 In our heart’s table—heart too capable Of every line and trick of his sweet favor. But now he’s gone, and my idolatrous fancy Must sanctify his relics. Who comes here?	HELEN Oh, if only that were all! I don’t think about my father, and my sobbing honors his memory more so than my private feelings. What was he like? I can’t remember. My mind is preoccupied by thoughts of Bertram. I am beside myself. I can’t go on if Bertram is away. Just my luck, loving a singularly bright star and wishing to marry it, even though it is so high above me. I just have to be happy that his radiance and light exist, since I can’t be near him. My ambitious love is inherently problematic: The deer that wants to mate with the lion will die trying. It was wonderful, though heart-wrenching, to see him every hour, to sit and draw his arched eyebrows, his fierce eyes, his curls, within my heart’s eye, a heart who knows all too well every detail and feature of his sweet face. But now he’s gone, and I can only idolize what he has left behind. Who is that?
Enter PAROLLES.	PAROLLES enters.
One that goes with him. I love him for his sake, 105 And yet I know him a notorious liar, Think him a great way fool, solely a coward. Yet these fixed evils sit so fit in him That they take place when virtue’s steely bones Looks bleak i’ th’ cold wind. Withal, full oft we see 110 Cold wisdom waiting on superfluous folly.	The man who is with him often. I love him because Bertram does, even though I know he is an awful liar, an immense fool, a coward at heart. And these negative traits are so rooted in him that they never waver, even when virtue calls. Also, we often see excessive foolishness winning out over intelligence.
PAROLLES Save you, fair queen.	PAROLLES Blessings, beautiful queen.
HELEN And you, monarch.	HELEN Same to you, monarch.
PAROLLES No.	PAROLLES No.
HELEN And no.	HELEN And no.
PAROLLES 115 Are you meditating on virginity?	PAROLLES Are you thinking about virginity?
HELEN Ay. You have some stain of soldier in you; let me ask you a question. Man is enemy to virginity. How may we barricado it against him?	HELEN Yes. You are a soldier of sorts. Let me ask you a question. Man is an enemy to virginity. How do we protect it from his ways?
PAROLLES Keep him out.	PAROLLES Don’t let him in.
HELEN 120 But he assails, and our virginity, though valiant in the defense, yet is weak. Unfold to us some warlike resistance.	HELEN But he attacks, and our virginity, despite great efforts, can’t withstand it. Give us some advice to help us fight back.
PAROLLES There is none. Man setting down before you will undermine you and blow you up.	PAROLLES There is no resisting. Any man before you will outwit you and destroy you.
HELEN 125 Bless our poor virginity from underminers and blowers-up! Is there no military policy how virgins might blow up men?	HELEN God help our poor virginity from those who outwit and destroy it! Isn’t there some military strategy for virgins to use to destroy men?
PAROLLES Virginity being blown down, man will quicklier be blown up. Marry, in blowing him 130 down again, with the breach yourselves made you lose your city. It is not politic in the commonwealth of nature to preserve virginity. Loss of virginity is rational increase, and there was never virgin got till virginity was first lost. That you 135 were made of is metal to make virgins. Virginity by being once lost may be ten times found; by being ever kept, it is ever lost. ’Tis too cold a companion. Away with ’t.	PAROLLES When virginity gets destroyed, men will quickly follow. Indeed, in destroying man, you will lose what you fought for by your own hands. Nature’s laws state it’s not right to stay a virgin. The loss of virginity allows the population to grow; plus no virgins can be created until a virginity is lost. What your body comprises is used to create more virgins. After you’ve lost your virginity, ten more virgins can be created. Keeping your virginity forever means no more virgins can be created. Virginity is lonely; forget about it!
HELEN I will stand for ’t a little, though therefore I 140 die a virgin.	HELEN I’ll stay a virgin a little longer, even if I die a virgin.
PAROLLES There’s little can be said in ’t. ’Tis against the rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity is to accuse your mothers, which is most infallible disobedience. He that hangs himself is a virgin; 145 virginity murders itself and should be buried in highways out of all sanctified limit as a desperate offendress against nature. Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese, consumes itself to the very paring, and so dies with feeding his own stomach. 150 Besides, virginity is peevish, proud, idle, made of self-love, which is the most inhibited sin in the canon. Keep it not; you cannot choose but lose by ’t. Out with ’t! Within ten year it will make itself two, which is a goodly increase, and the principal 155 itself not much the worse. Away with ’t!	PAROLLES There’s not much reason to. It’s against the laws of nature. To advocate for virginity is like making an accusation against mothers, which always a great disloyalty. A virgin is similar to a man who hangs himself; virginity kills itself and should have an unholy burial like someone who committed a crime against nature. Virginity breeds mites, like cheese does, eating itself alive until it’s perished. Besides, virginity is juvenile, arrogant, unproductive and vain, the worst of all ways to be. Don’t hold on to your virginity. You can’t help but lose out. Get rid of it! Within ten years you can make two virgins, a noteworthy increase, and your body will hardly change for the worse. Get rid of it!
HELEN How might one do, sir, to lose it to her own liking?	HELEN How might someone lose her virginity in a way that she prefers?
PAROLLES Let me see. Marry, ill, to like him that ne’er it likes. ’Tis a commodity will lose the gloss with 160 lying; the longer kept, the less worth. Off with ’t while ’tis vendible; answer the time of request. Virginity, like an old courtier, wears her cap out of fashion, richly suited but unsuitable, just like the brooch and the toothpick, which wear not now. 165 Your date is better in your pie and your porridge than in your cheek. And your virginity, your old virginity, is like one of our French withered pears: it looks ill, it eats dryly; marry, ’tis a withered pear. It was formerly better, marry, yet ’tis a withered 170 pear. Will you anything with it?	PAROLLES Let me think. Sadly, you’ll have to like a man you have never liked before. Virginity is like a commodity that loses value the longer its kept. Get rid of it while it’s still desired, respond when you’re asked. Virginity, like an old nobleman, wears outdated hats, fancy but unfashionable, just like the brooch and the toothpick, which are totally out of style today. Better to share your sweetness than to keep it to yourself. And your virginity, your old virginity, is like an old wrinkly French pear. It looks terrible; its mealy. It’s an old pear. It used to be better, yes, but it’s withered now. What’s the use?
HELEN Not my virginity, yet— There shall your master have a thousand loves, A mother, and a mistress, and a friend, A phoenix, captain, and an enemy, 175 A guide, a goddess, and a sovereign, A counselor, a traitress, and a dear; His humble ambition, proud humility, His jarring concord, and his discord dulcet, His faith, his sweet disaster, with a world 180 Of pretty, fond adoptious christendoms That blinking Cupid gossips. Now shall he— I know not what he shall. God send him well. The court’s a learning place, and he is one—	HELEN I’m not losing my virginity quite yet. Where he’s going your master will have a thousand loves, a mother, a mistress, and a friend, a phoenix, captain, and an enemy, a guide, a goddess, and a sovereign, a counsellor, a traitress, and a dear one. His humble ambition, proud humility, his steadfast confidence, and his endearing problems, , his faith, his sweet disaster, and a ton of cute, adoring nicknames that heedless Cupid dispenses at birth. Now will he—I have no idea what he will do. God bless him. The court is an educational setting, and he is one—
PAROLLES What one, i’ faith?	PAROLLES Someone who … what?
HELEN 185 That I wish well. ’Tis pity—	HELEN Someone I wish well. It’s a pity—
PAROLLES What’s pity?	PAROLLES What is a pity?
HELEN That wishing well had not a body in ’t Which might be felt, that we, the poorer born, Whose baser stars do shut us up in wishes, 190 Might with effects of them follow our friends And show what we alone must think, which never Returns us thanks.	HELEN That wishing someone well wasn’t so painful, that we, poor people, whose dreams are decidedly limited, could honestly share our private thoughts with friends. But it is never a good idea.
Enter PAGE.	PAGE enters.
PAGE Monsieur Parolles, my lord calls for you.	PAGE Monsieur Parolles, my lord wants to see you.
PAROLLES Little Helen, farewell. If I can remember 195 thee, I will think of thee at court.	PAROLLES Little Helen, goodbye. If I can remember, I will think of you while I’m at court.
HELEN Monsieur Parolles, you were born under a charitable star.	HELEN Monsieur Parolles, you were born under a kind star.
PAROLLES Under Mars, I.	PAROLLES I was born under Mars.
HELEN I especially think under Mars.	HELEN Yes, how true.
PAROLLES 200 Why under Mars?	PAROLLES Why do you think so?
HELEN The wars hath so kept you under that you must needs be born under Mars.	HELEN You have been so preoccupied with wars that you had to have been born under Mars.
PAROLLES When he was predominant.	PAROLLES When Mars was ruling.
HELEN When he was retrograde, I think rather.	HELEN When Mars was retrograde, rather.
PAROLLES 205 Why think you so?	PAROLLES Why do you say that?
HELEN You go so much backward when you fight.	HELEN You tend to retreat when you fight.
PAROLLES That’s for advantage.	PAROLLES That’s to get an advantage.
HELEN So is running away, when fear proposes the safety. But the composition that your valor and 210 fear makes in you is a virtue of a good wing, and I like the wear well.	HELEN So is running away when fear tells you to retreat to safety. But your combination of courage and fear has taught you how to flee swiftly, and it suits you.
PAROLLES I am so full of businesses I cannot answer thee acutely. I will return perfect courtier, in the which my instruction shall serve to naturalize 215 thee, so thou wilt be capable of a courtier’s counsel and understand what advice shall thrust upon thee, else thou diest in thine unthankfulness, and thine ignorance makes thee away. Farewell. When thou hast leisure, say thy prayers; when thou hast 220 none, remember thy friends. Get thee a good husband, and use him as he uses thee. So, farewell.	PAROLLES I’m so busy, I can’t respond to all that. I will come back the perfect nobleman and teach you what I have learned, so you’ll grasp a nobleman’s guidance and understand the advice you’re given. If not, you’ll die from a lack of appreciation and your ignorance will be the end of you. Goodbye. When you have time, say your prayers. When you don’t have time, think of your friends. Find a good husband and use him like he uses you. So, goodbye.
PAROLLES and PAGE exit.	PAROLLES and PAGE exit.
HELEN Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie Which we ascribe to heaven. The fated sky Gives us free scope, only doth backward pull 225 Our slow designs when we ourselves are dull. What power is it which mounts my love so high, That makes me see, and cannot feed mine eye? The mightiest space in fortune nature brings To join like likes and kiss like native things. 230 Impossible be strange attempts to those That weigh their pains in sense and do suppose What hath been cannot be. Who ever strove To show her merit that did miss her love? The King’s disease—my project may deceive me, 235 But my intents are fixed and will not leave me.	HELEN Our solutions often lie within, even when we say they were divined. We control our own fate. We can’t manifest what we aren’t open enough to imagine. What deity lets me love someone so high above me, exposing me to his lovely ways, but won’t let me earn his love? Surely almighty nature can bring together two unalike people, and they can kiss like equals. It may seem impossible to people who have fixed ideas and assume that what’s been done before can’t be done again. Who has ever lost her love when she has shown her worth? The King’s illness—my plan may not work, but my intentions are clear and everlasting.
She exits.	She exits.

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Original Text	Modern Text
Enter young BERTRAM COUNT OF ROSSILLION, his mother the COUNTESS, and HELEN, LORD LAFEW, all in black.	Young BERTRAM COUNT OF ROSSILLION comes in with his mother the COUNTESS, LORD LAFEW, and HELEN, all wearing black.
COUNTESS In delivering my son from me, I bury a second husband.	COUNTESS Saying goodbye to my son feels like losing another husband.
BERTRAM And I in going, madam, weep o’er my father’s death anew; but I must attend his Majesty’s 5 command, to whom I am now in ward, evermore in subjection.	BERTRAM And, for me, leaving makes me mourn my father all over again, but I have to go. The King has called for me and, now that I’m under his guardianship, I must always serve him.
LAFEW You shall find of the King a husband, madam; you, sir, a father. He that so generally is at all times good must of necessity hold his virtue to you, 10 whose worthiness would stir it up where it wanted rather than lack it where there is such abundance.	LAFEW The King will be like a husband to you, madam, and to you, Bertram, like a father. He’s proven to be a good man, so surely he’ll be good to you, especially because your family is important to him. Given his generosity, he will be good to you no matter what.
COUNTESS What hope is there of his Majesty’s amendment?	COUNTESS Is there any hope that the King’s health will improve?
LAFEW He hath abandoned his physicians, madam, 15 under whose practices he hath persecuted time with hope, and finds no other advantage in the process but only the losing of hope by time.	LAFEW He's lost faith in his doctors, madam. Over time, all their treatments have done is make him lose hope that he will get better.
COUNTESS This young gentlewoman had a father—O, that “had,” how sad a passage ’tis!—whose skill 20 was almost as great as his honesty; had it stretched so far, would have made nature immortal, and death should have play for lack of work. Would for the King’s sake he were living! I think it would be the death of the King’s disease.	COUNTESS This young woman had a father—it’s so sad to speak of him in the past tense!—who was as almost as talented as he was honest. And if he were, he would have cured everyone and eliminated death. If only he were alive today to help the King! He would cure him for sure.
LAFEW 25 How called you the man you speak of, madam?	LAFEW What is the name of the man you are talking about?
COUNTESS He was famous, sir, in his profession, and it was his great right to be so: Gerard de Narbon.	COUNTESS He was famous in his profession, sire, and rightfully so: Gerard de Narbon.
LAFEW He was excellent indeed, madam. The King 30 very lately spoke of him admiringly, and mourningly. He was skillful enough to have lived still, if knowledge could be set up against mortality.	LAFEW He was indeed superior, madam. Just recently the King was speaking highly of him, mourning his passing. He was smart enough to keep himself alive, if only he was smart enough to beat mortality.
BERTRAM What is it, my good lord, the King languishes of?	BERTRAM What is it, my good lord, that our King is suffering from?
LAFEW 35 A fistula, my lord.	LAFEW A fistula A fistula is an abnormal opening or passage from one organ to another. fistula, my lord.
BERTRAM I heard not of it before.	BERTRAM I’ve never heard of that.
LAFEW I would it were not notorious.—Was this gentlewoman the daughter of Gerard de Narbon?	LAFEW Don’t tell anyone. This woman is the daughter of Gerard de Narbon?
COUNTESS His sole child, my lord, and bequeathed to 40 my overlooking. I have those hopes of her good that her education promises. Her dispositions she inherits, which makes fair gifts fairer; for where an unclean mind carries virtuous qualities, there commendations go with pity—they are virtues and 45 traitors too. In her they are the better for their simpleness. She derives her honesty and achieves her goodness.	COUNTESS Yes, his only child, my lord, and he left her under my guardianship. My hope is she will live up to her education. She inherited her temperament from her father, making her even more beautiful. If a virtuous woman has immoral thoughts, it’s both admirable and pitiful, because she’s capable of being both virtuous and traitorous. But her qualities are pure. She inherited her honesty and has proven she is good.
LAFEW Your commendations, madam, get from her tears.	LAFEW Your praise, madam, is evident in her tears.
COUNTESS 50 ’Tis the best brine a maiden can season her praise in. The remembrance of her father never approaches her heart but the tyranny of her sorrows takes all livelihood from her cheek.—No more of this, Helena. Go to. No more, lest it be 55 rather thought you affect a sorrow than to have—	COUNTESS The tears of an unmarried woman say a lot about her virtue. When she remembers her father, her sorrow dominates and tears fall relentlessly down her cheeks. Let’s stop these tears, Helena. Please, no more. People might think you are pretending to be sad rather than—
HELEN I do affect a sorrow indeed, but I have it too.	HELEN I may be crying on the outside, but I am crying inside too.
LAFEW Moderate lamentation is the right of the dead, excessive grief the enemy to the living.	LAFEW It’s right to mourn the dead, but to do so excessively ruins your life.
COUNTESS If the living be enemy to the grief, the 60 excess makes it soon mortal.	COUNTESS If mourning ruins life, then mourning excessively will kill those who mourn.
BERTRAM Madam, I desire your holy wishes.	BERTRAM Madam, I would like your blessing.
LAFEW How understand we that?	LAFEW What do we think about that?
COUNTESS Be thou blessed, Bertram, and succeed thy father In manners as in shape. Thy blood and virtue 65 Contend for empire in thee, and thy goodness Share with thy birthright. Love all, trust a few, Do wrong to none. Be able for thine enemy Rather in power than use, and keep thy friend Under thy own life’s key Be checked for silence, 70 But never taxed for speech. What heaven more will, That thee may furnish and my prayers pluck down, Fall on thy head. To LAFEW. Farewell, my lord. ’Tis an unseasoned courtier. Good my lord, Advise him.	COUNTESS Bless you, Bertram, and may you be like your father in personality and appearance. Your legacy and integrity fight for supremacy within you, and being good is part of your family history. Love everyone, trust some; don’t do anyone wrong. Prevail among your enemies by using your power, not abusing it, and cherish your friends as much as you cherish your own life. Be admonished for staying quiet, but not for talking too much. Whatever heaven bestows you with, may it be good and answer my prayers! To LAFEW. Goodbye, my lord. He’s an inexperienced nobleman. It’s good to advise him.
LAFEW 75 He cannot want the best that shall Attend his love.	LAFEW I will give him the best advice possible.
COUNTESS Heaven bless him.—Farewell, Bertram.	COUNTESS God bless him.—Goodbye, Bertram.
BERTRAM The best wishes that can be forged in your thoughts be servants to you. COUNTESS exits. 80 To HELEN. Be comfortable to my mother, your mistress, and make much of her.	BERTRAM All the best to you. COUNTESS exits. To HELEN. Care for my mother, your mistress, and keep her good company.
LAFEW Farewell, pretty lady. You must hold the credit of your father.	LAFEW Goodbye, pretty lady. You must uphold your father’s reputation
BERTRAM and LAFEW exit.	BERTRAM and LAFEW exit.
HELEN O, were that all! I think not on my father, 85 And these great tears grace his remembrance more Than those I shed for him. What was he like? I have forgot him. My imagination Carries no favor in ’t but Bertram’s. I am undone. There is no living, none, 90 If Bertram be away. ’Twere all one That I should love a bright particular star And think to wed it, he is so above me. In his bright radiance and collateral light Must I be comforted, not in his sphere. 95 Th’ ambition in my love thus plagues itself: The hind that would be mated by the lion Must die for love. ’Twas pretty, though a plague, To see him every hour, to sit and draw His archèd brows, his hawking eye, his curls 100 In our heart’s table—heart too capable Of every line and trick of his sweet favor. But now he’s gone, and my idolatrous fancy Must sanctify his relics. Who comes here?	HELEN Oh, if only that were all! I don’t think about my father, and my sobbing honors his memory more so than my private feelings. What was he like? I can’t remember. My mind is preoccupied by thoughts of Bertram. I am beside myself. I can’t go on if Bertram is away. Just my luck, loving a singularly bright star and wishing to marry it, even though it is so high above me. I just have to be happy that his radiance and light exist, since I can’t be near him. My ambitious love is inherently problematic: The deer that wants to mate with the lion will die trying. It was wonderful, though heart-wrenching, to see him every hour, to sit and draw his arched eyebrows, his fierce eyes, his curls, within my heart’s eye, a heart who knows all too well every detail and feature of his sweet face. But now he’s gone, and I can only idolize what he has left behind. Who is that?
Enter PAROLLES.	PAROLLES enters.
One that goes with him. I love him for his sake, 105 And yet I know him a notorious liar, Think him a great way fool, solely a coward. Yet these fixed evils sit so fit in him That they take place when virtue’s steely bones Looks bleak i’ th’ cold wind. Withal, full oft we see 110 Cold wisdom waiting on superfluous folly.	The man who is with him often. I love him because Bertram does, even though I know he is an awful liar, an immense fool, a coward at heart. And these negative traits are so rooted in him that they never waver, even when virtue calls. Also, we often see excessive foolishness winning out over intelligence.
PAROLLES Save you, fair queen.	PAROLLES Blessings, beautiful queen.
HELEN And you, monarch.	HELEN Same to you, monarch.
PAROLLES No.	PAROLLES No.
HELEN And no.	HELEN And no.
PAROLLES 115 Are you meditating on virginity?	PAROLLES Are you thinking about virginity?
HELEN Ay. You have some stain of soldier in you; let me ask you a question. Man is enemy to virginity. How may we barricado it against him?	HELEN Yes. You are a soldier of sorts. Let me ask you a question. Man is an enemy to virginity. How do we protect it from his ways?
PAROLLES Keep him out.	PAROLLES Don’t let him in.
HELEN 120 But he assails, and our virginity, though valiant in the defense, yet is weak. Unfold to us some warlike resistance.	HELEN But he attacks, and our virginity, despite great efforts, can’t withstand it. Give us some advice to help us fight back.
PAROLLES There is none. Man setting down before you will undermine you and blow you up.	PAROLLES There is no resisting. Any man before you will outwit you and destroy you.
HELEN 125 Bless our poor virginity from underminers and blowers-up! Is there no military policy how virgins might blow up men?	HELEN God help our poor virginity from those who outwit and destroy it! Isn’t there some military strategy for virgins to use to destroy men?
PAROLLES Virginity being blown down, man will quicklier be blown up. Marry, in blowing him 130 down again, with the breach yourselves made you lose your city. It is not politic in the commonwealth of nature to preserve virginity. Loss of virginity is rational increase, and there was never virgin got till virginity was first lost. That you 135 were made of is metal to make virgins. Virginity by being once lost may be ten times found; by being ever kept, it is ever lost. ’Tis too cold a companion. Away with ’t.	PAROLLES When virginity gets destroyed, men will quickly follow. Indeed, in destroying man, you will lose what you fought for by your own hands. Nature’s laws state it’s not right to stay a virgin. The loss of virginity allows the population to grow; plus no virgins can be created until a virginity is lost. What your body comprises is used to create more virgins. After you’ve lost your virginity, ten more virgins can be created. Keeping your virginity forever means no more virgins can be created. Virginity is lonely; forget about it!
HELEN I will stand for ’t a little, though therefore I 140 die a virgin.	HELEN I’ll stay a virgin a little longer, even if I die a virgin.
PAROLLES There’s little can be said in ’t. ’Tis against the rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity is to accuse your mothers, which is most infallible disobedience. He that hangs himself is a virgin; 145 virginity murders itself and should be buried in highways out of all sanctified limit as a desperate offendress against nature. Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese, consumes itself to the very paring, and so dies with feeding his own stomach. 150 Besides, virginity is peevish, proud, idle, made of self-love, which is the most inhibited sin in the canon. Keep it not; you cannot choose but lose by ’t. Out with ’t! Within ten year it will make itself two, which is a goodly increase, and the principal 155 itself not much the worse. Away with ’t!	PAROLLES There’s not much reason to. It’s against the laws of nature. To advocate for virginity is like making an accusation against mothers, which always a great disloyalty. A virgin is similar to a man who hangs himself; virginity kills itself and should have an unholy burial like someone who committed a crime against nature. Virginity breeds mites, like cheese does, eating itself alive until it’s perished. Besides, virginity is juvenile, arrogant, unproductive and vain, the worst of all ways to be. Don’t hold on to your virginity. You can’t help but lose out. Get rid of it! Within ten years you can make two virgins, a noteworthy increase, and your body will hardly change for the worse. Get rid of it!
HELEN How might one do, sir, to lose it to her own liking?	HELEN How might someone lose her virginity in a way that she prefers?
PAROLLES Let me see. Marry, ill, to like him that ne’er it likes. ’Tis a commodity will lose the gloss with 160 lying; the longer kept, the less worth. Off with ’t while ’tis vendible; answer the time of request. Virginity, like an old courtier, wears her cap out of fashion, richly suited but unsuitable, just like the brooch and the toothpick, which wear not now. 165 Your date is better in your pie and your porridge than in your cheek. And your virginity, your old virginity, is like one of our French withered pears: it looks ill, it eats dryly; marry, ’tis a withered pear. It was formerly better, marry, yet ’tis a withered 170 pear. Will you anything with it?	PAROLLES Let me think. Sadly, you’ll have to like a man you have never liked before. Virginity is like a commodity that loses value the longer its kept. Get rid of it while it’s still desired, respond when you’re asked. Virginity, like an old nobleman, wears outdated hats, fancy but unfashionable, just like the brooch and the toothpick, which are totally out of style today. Better to share your sweetness than to keep it to yourself. And your virginity, your old virginity, is like an old wrinkly French pear. It looks terrible; its mealy. It’s an old pear. It used to be better, yes, but it’s withered now. What’s the use?
HELEN Not my virginity, yet— There shall your master have a thousand loves, A mother, and a mistress, and a friend, A phoenix, captain, and an enemy, 175 A guide, a goddess, and a sovereign, A counselor, a traitress, and a dear; His humble ambition, proud humility, His jarring concord, and his discord dulcet, His faith, his sweet disaster, with a world 180 Of pretty, fond adoptious christendoms That blinking Cupid gossips. Now shall he— I know not what he shall. God send him well. The court’s a learning place, and he is one—	HELEN I’m not losing my virginity quite yet. Where he’s going your master will have a thousand loves, a mother, a mistress, and a friend, a phoenix, captain, and an enemy, a guide, a goddess, and a sovereign, a counsellor, a traitress, and a dear one. His humble ambition, proud humility, his steadfast confidence, and his endearing problems, , his faith, his sweet disaster, and a ton of cute, adoring nicknames that heedless Cupid dispenses at birth. Now will he—I have no idea what he will do. God bless him. The court is an educational setting, and he is one—
PAROLLES What one, i’ faith?	PAROLLES Someone who … what?
HELEN 185 That I wish well. ’Tis pity—	HELEN Someone I wish well. It’s a pity—
PAROLLES What’s pity?	PAROLLES What is a pity?
HELEN That wishing well had not a body in ’t Which might be felt, that we, the poorer born, Whose baser stars do shut us up in wishes, 190 Might with effects of them follow our friends And show what we alone must think, which never Returns us thanks.	HELEN That wishing someone well wasn’t so painful, that we, poor people, whose dreams are decidedly limited, could honestly share our private thoughts with friends. But it is never a good idea.
Enter PAGE.	PAGE enters.
PAGE Monsieur Parolles, my lord calls for you.	PAGE Monsieur Parolles, my lord wants to see you.
PAROLLES Little Helen, farewell. If I can remember 195 thee, I will think of thee at court.	PAROLLES Little Helen, goodbye. If I can remember, I will think of you while I’m at court.
HELEN Monsieur Parolles, you were born under a charitable star.	HELEN Monsieur Parolles, you were born under a kind star.
PAROLLES Under Mars, I.	PAROLLES I was born under Mars.
HELEN I especially think under Mars.	HELEN Yes, how true.
PAROLLES 200 Why under Mars?	PAROLLES Why do you think so?
HELEN The wars hath so kept you under that you must needs be born under Mars.	HELEN You have been so preoccupied with wars that you had to have been born under Mars.
PAROLLES When he was predominant.	PAROLLES When Mars was ruling.
HELEN When he was retrograde, I think rather.	HELEN When Mars was retrograde, rather.
PAROLLES 205 Why think you so?	PAROLLES Why do you say that?
HELEN You go so much backward when you fight.	HELEN You tend to retreat when you fight.
PAROLLES That’s for advantage.	PAROLLES That’s to get an advantage.
HELEN So is running away, when fear proposes the safety. But the composition that your valor and 210 fear makes in you is a virtue of a good wing, and I like the wear well.	HELEN So is running away when fear tells you to retreat to safety. But your combination of courage and fear has taught you how to flee swiftly, and it suits you.
PAROLLES I am so full of businesses I cannot answer thee acutely. I will return perfect courtier, in the which my instruction shall serve to naturalize 215 thee, so thou wilt be capable of a courtier’s counsel and understand what advice shall thrust upon thee, else thou diest in thine unthankfulness, and thine ignorance makes thee away. Farewell. When thou hast leisure, say thy prayers; when thou hast 220 none, remember thy friends. Get thee a good husband, and use him as he uses thee. So, farewell.	PAROLLES I’m so busy, I can’t respond to all that. I will come back the perfect nobleman and teach you what I have learned, so you’ll grasp a nobleman’s guidance and understand the advice you’re given. If not, you’ll die from a lack of appreciation and your ignorance will be the end of you. Goodbye. When you have time, say your prayers. When you don’t have time, think of your friends. Find a good husband and use him like he uses you. So, goodbye.
PAROLLES and PAGE exit.	PAROLLES and PAGE exit.
HELEN Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie Which we ascribe to heaven. The fated sky Gives us free scope, only doth backward pull 225 Our slow designs when we ourselves are dull. What power is it which mounts my love so high, That makes me see, and cannot feed mine eye? The mightiest space in fortune nature brings To join like likes and kiss like native things. 230 Impossible be strange attempts to those That weigh their pains in sense and do suppose What hath been cannot be. Who ever strove To show her merit that did miss her love? The King’s disease—my project may deceive me, 235 But my intents are fixed and will not leave me.	HELEN Our solutions often lie within, even when we say they were divined. We control our own fate. We can’t manifest what we aren’t open enough to imagine. What deity lets me love someone so high above me, exposing me to his lovely ways, but won’t let me earn his love? Surely almighty nature can bring together two unalike people, and they can kiss like equals. It may seem impossible to people who have fixed ideas and assume that what’s been done before can’t be done again. Who has ever lost her love when she has shown her worth? The King’s illness—my plan may not work, but my intentions are clear and everlasting.
She exits.	She exits.