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Enter COUNTESS and FOOL.
Enter COUNTESS and FOOL.
COUNTESS
Come on, sir. I shall now put you to the
height of your breeding.
COUNTESS
Come on, sir. I shall now put you to the
height of your breeding.
FOOL
I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught. I
know my business is but to the court.
FOOL
I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught. I
know my business is but to the court.
COUNTESS
5
“To the court”? Why, what place make you
special when you put off that with such contempt?
“But to the court”?
COUNTESS
“To the court”? Why, what place make you
special when you put off that with such contempt?
“But to the court”?
FOOL
Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners,
he may easily put it off at court. He that cannot
10
make a leg, put off ’s cap, kiss his hand, and
say nothing, has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap;
and indeed such a fellow, to say precisely, were
not for the court. But, for me, I have an answer
will serve all men.
FOOL
Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners,
he may easily put it off at court. He that cannot
make a leg, put off ’s cap, kiss his hand, and
say nothing, has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap;
and indeed such a fellow, to say precisely, were
not for the court. But, for me, I have an answer
will serve all men.
COUNTESS
15
Marry, that’s a bountiful answer that fits all
questions.
COUNTESS
Marry, that’s a bountiful answer that fits all
questions.
FOOL
It is like a barber’s chair that fits all buttocks:
the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn-buttock,
or any buttock.
FOOL
It is like a barber’s chair that fits all buttocks:
the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn-buttock,
or any buttock.
COUNTESS
20
Will your answer serve fit to all questions?
COUNTESS
Will your answer serve fit to all questions?
FOOL
As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,
as your French crown for your taffety punk, as
Tib’s rush for Tom’s forefinger, as a pancake for
Shrove Tuesday, a morris for May Day, as the nail
25
to his hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding
quean to a wrangling knave, as the nun’s lip to the
friar’s mouth, nay, as the pudding to his skin.
FOOL
As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,
as your French crown for your taffety punk, as
Tib’s rush for Tom’s forefinger, as a pancake for
Shrove Tuesday, a morris for May Day, as the nail
to his hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding
quean to a wrangling knave, as the nun’s lip to the
friar’s mouth, nay, as the pudding to his skin.
COUNTESS
Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness
for all questions?
COUNTESS
Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness
for all questions?
FOOL
30
From below your duke to beneath your constable,
it will fit any question.
FOOL
From below your duke to beneath your constable,
it will fit any question.
COUNTESS
It must be an answer of most monstrous
size that must fit all demands.
COUNTESS
It must be an answer of most monstrous
size that must fit all demands.
FOOL
But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned
35
should speak truth of it. Here it is, and all that
belongs to ’t. Ask me if I am a courtier; it shall do
you no harm to learn.
FOOL
But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned
should speak truth of it. Here it is, and all that
belongs to ’t. Ask me if I am a courtier; it shall do
you no harm to learn.
COUNTESS
To be young again, if we could! I will be a
fool in question, hoping to be the wiser by your
40
answer. I pray you, sir, are you a courtier?
COUNTESS
To be young again, if we could! I will be a
fool in question, hoping to be the wiser by your
answer. I pray you, sir, are you a courtier?
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—There’s a simple putting off. More,
more, a hundred of them.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—There’s a simple putting off. More,
more, a hundred of them.
COUNTESS
Sir, I am a poor friend of yours that loves
you.
COUNTESS
Sir, I am a poor friend of yours that loves
you.
FOOL
45
O Lord, sir!—Thick, thick. Spare not me.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Thick, thick. Spare not me.
COUNTESS
I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely
meat.
COUNTESS
I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely
meat.
FOOL
50
O Lord, sir!—Nay, put me to ’t, I warrant you.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Nay, put me to ’t, I warrant you.
COUNTESS
You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.
COUNTESS
You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Spare not me.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Spare not me.
COUNTESS
Do you cry “O Lord, sir!” at your whipping,
and “spare not me”? Indeed your “O Lord, sir!” is
very sequent to your whipping. You would answer
very well to a whipping if you were but bound to ’t.
COUNTESS
Do you cry “O Lord, sir!” at your whipping,
and “spare not me”? Indeed your “O Lord, sir!” is
very sequent to your whipping. You would answer
very well to a whipping if you were but bound to ’t.
FOOL
55
I ne’er had worse luck in my life in my “O Lord,
sir!” I see things may serve long but not serve ever.
FOOL
I ne’er had worse luck in my life in my “O Lord,
sir!” I see things may serve long but not serve ever.
COUNTESS
I play the noble huswife with the time to
entertain it so merrily with a fool.
COUNTESS
I play the noble huswife with the time to
entertain it so merrily with a fool.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Why, there ’t serves well again.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Why, there ’t serves well again.
COUNTESS, giving him a paper
60
An end, sir. To your business. Give Helen this,
And urge her to a present answer back.
Commend me to my kinsmen and my son.
This is not much.
COUNTESS, giving him a paper
An end, sir. To your business. Give Helen this,
And urge her to a present answer back.
Commend me to my kinsmen and my son.
This is not much.
FOOL
Not much commendation to them?
FOOL
Not much commendation to them?
COUNTESS
65
Not much employment for you. You understand me.
COUNTESS
Not much employment for you. You understand me.
FOOL
Most fruitfully. I am there before my legs.
FOOL
Most fruitfully. I am there before my legs.
COUNTESS
Haste you again.
COUNTESS
Haste you again.
They exit.
They exit.

Original Text

Modern Text
Enter COUNTESS and FOOL.
Enter COUNTESS and FOOL.
COUNTESS
Come on, sir. I shall now put you to the
height of your breeding.
COUNTESS
Come on, sir. I shall now put you to the
height of your breeding.
FOOL
I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught. I
know my business is but to the court.
FOOL
I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught. I
know my business is but to the court.
COUNTESS
5
“To the court”? Why, what place make you
special when you put off that with such contempt?
“But to the court”?
COUNTESS
“To the court”? Why, what place make you
special when you put off that with such contempt?
“But to the court”?
FOOL
Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners,
he may easily put it off at court. He that cannot
10
make a leg, put off ’s cap, kiss his hand, and
say nothing, has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap;
and indeed such a fellow, to say precisely, were
not for the court. But, for me, I have an answer
will serve all men.
FOOL
Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners,
he may easily put it off at court. He that cannot
make a leg, put off ’s cap, kiss his hand, and
say nothing, has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap;
and indeed such a fellow, to say precisely, were
not for the court. But, for me, I have an answer
will serve all men.
COUNTESS
15
Marry, that’s a bountiful answer that fits all
questions.
COUNTESS
Marry, that’s a bountiful answer that fits all
questions.
FOOL
It is like a barber’s chair that fits all buttocks:
the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn-buttock,
or any buttock.
FOOL
It is like a barber’s chair that fits all buttocks:
the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn-buttock,
or any buttock.
COUNTESS
20
Will your answer serve fit to all questions?
COUNTESS
Will your answer serve fit to all questions?
FOOL
As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,
as your French crown for your taffety punk, as
Tib’s rush for Tom’s forefinger, as a pancake for
Shrove Tuesday, a morris for May Day, as the nail
25
to his hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding
quean to a wrangling knave, as the nun’s lip to the
friar’s mouth, nay, as the pudding to his skin.
FOOL
As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,
as your French crown for your taffety punk, as
Tib’s rush for Tom’s forefinger, as a pancake for
Shrove Tuesday, a morris for May Day, as the nail
to his hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding
quean to a wrangling knave, as the nun’s lip to the
friar’s mouth, nay, as the pudding to his skin.
COUNTESS
Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness
for all questions?
COUNTESS
Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness
for all questions?
FOOL
30
From below your duke to beneath your constable,
it will fit any question.
FOOL
From below your duke to beneath your constable,
it will fit any question.
COUNTESS
It must be an answer of most monstrous
size that must fit all demands.
COUNTESS
It must be an answer of most monstrous
size that must fit all demands.
FOOL
But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned
35
should speak truth of it. Here it is, and all that
belongs to ’t. Ask me if I am a courtier; it shall do
you no harm to learn.
FOOL
But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned
should speak truth of it. Here it is, and all that
belongs to ’t. Ask me if I am a courtier; it shall do
you no harm to learn.
COUNTESS
To be young again, if we could! I will be a
fool in question, hoping to be the wiser by your
40
answer. I pray you, sir, are you a courtier?
COUNTESS
To be young again, if we could! I will be a
fool in question, hoping to be the wiser by your
answer. I pray you, sir, are you a courtier?
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—There’s a simple putting off. More,
more, a hundred of them.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—There’s a simple putting off. More,
more, a hundred of them.
COUNTESS
Sir, I am a poor friend of yours that loves
you.
COUNTESS
Sir, I am a poor friend of yours that loves
you.
FOOL
45
O Lord, sir!—Thick, thick. Spare not me.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Thick, thick. Spare not me.
COUNTESS
I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely
meat.
COUNTESS
I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely
meat.
FOOL
50
O Lord, sir!—Nay, put me to ’t, I warrant you.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Nay, put me to ’t, I warrant you.
COUNTESS
You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.
COUNTESS
You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Spare not me.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Spare not me.
COUNTESS
Do you cry “O Lord, sir!” at your whipping,
and “spare not me”? Indeed your “O Lord, sir!” is
very sequent to your whipping. You would answer
very well to a whipping if you were but bound to ’t.
COUNTESS
Do you cry “O Lord, sir!” at your whipping,
and “spare not me”? Indeed your “O Lord, sir!” is
very sequent to your whipping. You would answer
very well to a whipping if you were but bound to ’t.
FOOL
55
I ne’er had worse luck in my life in my “O Lord,
sir!” I see things may serve long but not serve ever.
FOOL
I ne’er had worse luck in my life in my “O Lord,
sir!” I see things may serve long but not serve ever.
COUNTESS
I play the noble huswife with the time to
entertain it so merrily with a fool.
COUNTESS
I play the noble huswife with the time to
entertain it so merrily with a fool.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Why, there ’t serves well again.
FOOL
O Lord, sir!—Why, there ’t serves well again.
COUNTESS, giving him a paper
60
An end, sir. To your business. Give Helen this,
And urge her to a present answer back.
Commend me to my kinsmen and my son.
This is not much.
COUNTESS, giving him a paper
An end, sir. To your business. Give Helen this,
And urge her to a present answer back.
Commend me to my kinsmen and my son.
This is not much.
FOOL
Not much commendation to them?
FOOL
Not much commendation to them?
COUNTESS
65
Not much employment for you. You understand me.
COUNTESS
Not much employment for you. You understand me.
FOOL
Most fruitfully. I am there before my legs.
FOOL
Most fruitfully. I am there before my legs.
COUNTESS
Haste you again.
COUNTESS
Haste you again.
They exit.
They exit.
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