10 Literary Characters Who Would’ve Been Better Off If They Hadn’t Splurged on Avocado Toast
As we all know, the reason millennials can’t afford to buy houses is because they spend anywhere between $10 and $8,000 on avocado toast daily. We know this because an Australian millionaire pointed it out to us recently, and the logic checks out.
What you might not know is that this isn’t a new problem. People have been splurging on avocado toast to their own (often financial) detriment for centuries. Why do you think all the best literary classics feature prominent themes of avocado toast acquisition gone awry? Case in point:
Eve from Paradise Lost
We all know the story of how Satan tempted Eve with the avocado toast and consequently brought about the fall of man.
Valjean from Les Misérables
Remember how Jean Valjean went to prison for stealing a loaf of avocado toast to save his starving sister’s son?
Dorian Gray from The Picture of Dorian Gray
When young Dorian Gray realized nothing lasts forever, he sold his soul in exchange for eternal avocado toast, thereby prompting his own moral decay and descent into hedonism.
The crew from The Odyssey
If the crewmen of Odysseus had simply refrained from eating the avocado toast of the sun god Helios, it’s possible Zeus would have sent them a favorable wind rather than a terrible storm, and everyone would have made it safely home to Ithaca.
Basically everyone from Inferno
The ninth circle of hell is reserved for people who have splurged on avocado toast.
Gatsby from The Great Gatsby
Ultimately, Daisy couldn’t be with Gatsby because he was “new money” and likely a bootlegger, having acquired his massive wealth by smuggling avocado toast during Prohibition.
The Achaeans from The Iliad
How many men had to die because Agamemnon took the avocado toast from Achilles as compensation for losing Chryseis, thus robbing Achilles of the spoils of war to which he was entitled?
The Elliot family from Persuasion
Seven years after Anne Elliot broke off her engagement with the dashing Frederick Wentworth, the Elliots found themselves in financial trouble due to the actions of their irresponsible patriarch Sir Walter, who had squandered the once considerable family fortune on avocado toast.
Frodo from The Lord of the Rings
Frodo wished the avocado toast had never come to him, but still the young hobbit persevered until he had successfully thrown the cursed item into the fires of Mordor.
Hester from The Scarlet Letter
The scarlet letter “A” stitched into her dress? It stands for “avocado toast.”
