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15 Shakespearean Ways to Respond When You Receive a Terrible Gift

You know what’s just the worst? Opening gifts in front of people. I don’t understand why we do this to each other. You run the risk of opening a present that you have no idea what to do with, and then having to engage in the longstanding social charade of acting like it’s the greatest gift anyone has ever received.

This year, I would like to propose an alternate solution: we all agree say what we’re really thinking when we get a bad gift, only we use Shakespeare quotes. You know, take the truth and dress it up in Shakespeare verbiage to soften the blow. That way, people will think we’re articulate and cerebral rather than just jerks. Stuck on what to say? Might I suggest:

1. “I cannot hate thee worser than I do.”

2. “Die, frantic wretch, for this accursed deed!”

3. “My recompense is thanks, that’s all;
Yet my good will is great, though the gift small.”

4. “I say, come forth and fight with me.”

5. “But where’s the money?”

6. “Oft expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises.”

7. “The Destinies will curse thee for this stroke.”

8. “Is not a dukedom, sir, a goodly gift?”

9. [Drawing his sword.]

10. “Thou makest me most unhappy.”

11. “A plague upon your epileptic visage!”

12. “And what have I to give you back, whose worth
May counterpoise this… rich and precious gift?”

13. “The gods begin to mock me.”

14. “Revoke thy gift,
Or, whilst I can vent clamour from my throat,
I’ll tell thee thou dost evil.”

15. [Falls on the bed, and dies.]