If you are ever going to open your heart to love, you must accept that life is a rich tapestry full of people from all walks of life, and some of those people are Slytherins.
I say this not because Slytherins are inherently villainous—they’re not!—but because Slytherins tend to be wily, stubborn, and unpredictable. And if you’re ever going to date one, you need to know what you’re getting yourself into. Here is how you know you’re dating a Slytherin.
1. They hate admitting when they are wrong. They absolutely hate it.
2. They love to be right, and they often are, which is why they can’t stand the 5% of the time when they’re actually wrong.
3. They always end their texts with a period, leaving you to constantly wonder if they are mad at you. They are not; this is just the way they are, and they don’t know how to be any different.
4. They are the exact opposite of clingy. They crave independence and hate to be even slightly smothered. If you ever find yourself dating a Slytherin, just know that they are perfectly content to let the two of you exist in your own little worlds.
5. They will watch your TV shows without you, even if the two of you previously agreed to wait and watch the new episode together. Don’t think for a minute this won’t happen.
6. They have no idea how to comfort you when you are sad. Do they make a joke? Do they get mad on your behalf? It will not occur to them to “just listen”; they will have slashed someone’s tires before you have a chance to say, “I’m okay, I just needed to vent.”
7. Slytherins love to argue, and they are good at it. Sharks are to swimming what Slytherins are to fighting with some guy on Facebook named Craig. Slytherins move through life in a state of perpetual confrontation.
8. When they finish a roll of toilet paper, 9 times out of 10 they will forget to put on a new roll. Similarly, they will place the empty milk carton back in the refrigerator, remorseless. It’s just what Slytherins do.
9. They cannot enjoy a meme unless three levels of context are required to make sense of it. Don’t send them some regular, single-tier meme hot off the press from five years ago unless you wish for them mock you.
10. They are always striving for more. Ambition is the cornerstone of the Slytherin personality, and their ambition in turn will make YOU ambitious. Soon, the two of you will run the world.
11. They can hold a grudge better than anyone you will ever meet. They can let a grudge simmer for weeks, months, EVEN YEARS. They love grudges. They COLLECT grudges. If someone does you wrong, a Slytherin will be mad FOR you whether you want them to be or not.
12. They won’t admit it, but external validation is their lifeblood.
13. Many of their relationships are forged in the fires of animosity. They are mostly friends with people who hate the same things they do. This is probably how you met your Slytherin.
14. Slytherins are extremely sarcastic, and they appreciate someone who can trade witty barbs with them without backing down or feeling offended. Their love language is “flirtatious insults.”
15. Though Slytherins are best known for their cunning nature and cutthroat ambition, they are also RELENTLESSLY loyal to anyone they consider one of their own. It’s rather like having a dog that’s incredibly mellow most of the time, until someone tries to hurt you at which point he springs into action and goes straight for the jugular. So if you’ve got a Slytherin, you’re lucky and don’t you dare let them go.