Auntie SparkNotes: Can I Stay in Touch With My Mom’s Ex-Boyfriend?

Dear Auntie,

So, to preface this question, some background: my dad passed away when I was three, so I come from a single-parent household. My mother, who I love, has dated a few people over the course of my life (I am 18). When I was starting middle school (seven or so years ago), she started going out with a guy who I will call Tim. She and Tim have been together ever since, and he is her longest relationship (aside from my father).

As you may expect, and especially in recent years, I have gotten very close to Tim. We hang out at his house on some weekends, I consider his dog to be my dog-niece, and help each other out with favors. Sometimes I just go over there without my mom and we hang out, and we enjoy each other’s company. It’s hard to explain from the outside, but the most relatable thing I can compare it to is being close with an awesome uncle, except the distinct barrier of not being related by blood. He has taken on a mentor-like position in my life, but a little closer/more casual.

I’ve noticed over time, my mother and Tim have receded more into a “companionship” type relationship, almost like they’re just friends. I always just attributed it to the differences in dating as an older person (they’re 40s-50s). However, my mom recently, shockingly casually, mentioned that she’s probably gonna start dating other people. They have not talked about this so I don’t know how Tim will react, or if Tim sees their relationship to have regressed back to very close friendship like my mom has.

My problem is I don’t know how to deal with this! Even if Tim and my mom stay friends, we definitely won’t be hanging out at his house as much or seeing him around. That really makes me sad because I’m very close with him. Obviously, it’s my mother’s final say, and I can still have a relationship with him—but would that be inappropriate? Should I not let Tim take me out for dinner or stay at his house anymore because of this? I’m about to enter college and this news is stressing me out when I am already in the midst of a major life change. Should I wait to see what happens and discuss it with Tim? I don’t know what to call our relationship if this goes forward!

And on that front, darling, I’m afraid I can’t help you. There’s no convenient word or set of words that actually captures the complexities of a having a great relationship with your ex-pseudo-stepdad (although geez, someone should really invent one.)

The good news is, what you call that relationship hardly matters. What’s important is that it exists. And while of course it’s upsetting to feel like you’re entering college and losing a father figure all at once, the timing actually couldn’t be more perfect for you to begin maintaining a relationship with Tim independent of whether or not he’s still dating your mom. In fact, you would probably have been doing this exact same thing, to a certain extent, even if they weren’t breaking up. This was always going to be a moment of major transition, and the way you related to Tim was always going to change: because you’re an adult, because you’ve known him for seven years, and because there was always going to come a point at which you stopped thinking of him as “my mom’s boyfriend” and started thinking of him as your… well, whatever you want to call him. The point is, you have your own relationship with this person, one that doesn’t require your mom as a go-between.

And not only is it perfectly appropriate for you to stay in touch with Tim on your own terms, it’s almost certainly something that both he and your mom fully expect you to do. He’s been too important a part of your life for too long to just have the relationship vanish in the wind.

That doesn’t mean things won’t be a little bit weird in the interim, while Tim and your mom disentangle their lives (although based on your description, it sounds like they may have begun that process awhile ago and are mostly through it now.) But that’s between them—and you won’t be around to witness it anyway, right? You’ll be in college, where the effect on your life of stuff happening back home is negligible if it exists at all. It’s almost as if this breakup was timed to create the least possible impact on you… and for that matter, maybe it was.

So, for right now, focus on the business of getting settled at college. Let your mom deal with the business of breaking up with her boyfriend. And by all means, tell her you support her decision but would like to stay in touch with Tim, given how close you’ve gotten over the years, and when she tells you that it’s perfectly all right (as she almost certainly will), then go ahead and send Tim a short email saying that you’re sorry about him and your mom, but that if he’s amenable, you’d love to have lunch the next time you’re home on break.

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