Auntie SparkNotes: I Feel Like This Guy Led Me On

Hi Auntie,

I’m so torn up. I was really into this guy and all my friends totally thought he was into me so I asked him out.

He said yes but then he had to cancel on me for his sports and I didn’t reschedule because I didn’t want to seem “pushy.” Then I got so nervous I accidentally ghosted him.

My friend tried to “help” (even though I told her not to) and she made me look desperate and crazy and she told the entire school that I liked this guy. I text him to tell him I have nothing to do with my friends antics and he reads it but doesn’t reply.

Then when sports end we start talking again, we’re playing this game with some friends and I’m being really loud and he’s pretty reserved and he says it’s “representative of our semi-romantic relationship.” Shocked, I figure I really need to resolve this but I’m too scared to talk to him in person so I text him and tell him I like him and need to know how he feels so I can move on.

After 24 hours of radio silence, he finally texts me and says he doesn’t feel the same way and that he wasn’t looking for a relationship in high school. Big shock to me.

The worst part is, it’s been over a month and I still can’t move on. My friends have been sick of it all for a while and I’m getting sick of myself. But I almost feel led on and I can’t seem to let go of the hope that maybe he’ll come around again (especially because he said yes to a date in the first place and actually seemed pretty excited). I don’t even know if I SHOULD move on.

Let’s just get one thing straight right now, Sparkler: Of course you should move on. Moving on is all there is! That is, unless you intend to spend the rest of your life drowning your romantic prospects and your self-respect (not to mention your relationships with your increasingly irritated besties) in the disappointment of having once desired a guy who does not desire you back. Which you don’t, right? You can’t possibly want that. Nobody wants that.

And give yourself credit: You did a hard thing when you asked him straight-up what his feelings were. You gave it your very best shot! It just didn’t work out, for reasons beyond your control. And at this point, the only thing you’ll accomplish by holding a torch for the guy is to make yourself look crazy and desperate—which, as you’ve already discovered, is not a good look on anyone.

So, brace yourself, darling: The time has come to let go of the hope that this guy might come around to liking you. To be brutally frank, the time has also probably come to examine how you came to conclude that he liked you to begin with, and ask yourself whether you need to be wary in the future of letting peer pressure and wishful thinking cloud your ability to read those signs. I know he agreed to go out with you and seemed excited about it, but he also canceled (and never rescheduled) your date, never reached out after you ghosted him, responded to the widespread news of your crush by ghosting you, and ultimately told you in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t return your feelings. Not exactly the behavior of a person who likes and respects you, you know? And that moment he described as “representative of [your] semi-romantic relationship”? Not only does that not sound encouraging, but it sounds an awful lot like he was making a not-very-nice joke at your expense about how overtly you pursued him. You know this guy better than me, sweet pea, but from here, it doesn’t look like he ever gave you much reason to hope.

It also doesn’t sound like he was such a prize to begin with.

And of course, even if he was a prize, that wouldn’t make it worthwhile to keep hoping he’ll come around after he’s explicitly told you he’s not interested. But if you were looking for a really good reason to get over him, the way he seemingly mocked you for asking him out would be a damn good place to start. Focus on his bad qualities (everyone has them!), stay busy with friends and interests and activities that make you feel good about yourself, and remind yourself as often as needed that a guy who doesn’t like you is the last guy on earth you want to date.

Above all, remember: The disappointing outcome has already happened. What you control now is how you deal—and the best thing you can do is strive to be gracious and mature about it. It’s harder now, but it’s worth it for the gift you give yourself: to look back at a painful moment, and to be proud of how well you handled it.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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