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Auntie SparkNotes: My BF Dumped Me Because He’s Not Over His Ex

Dear Auntie,

I’m honestly super confused about what to do/feel right now. I got into my first relationship last May. For the first six months or so, everything felt perfect, and I felt great about life, since things were also progressing professionally for me (I’m a senior in college and started applying to grad schools in the fall). If I had a “perfect boyfriend” checklist, this guy would live up to all but one or two things. But after a few months, he started acting distant. When I finally asked him what was wrong, he admitted that he’d realized recently that he still had feelings for his ex girlfriend. The biggest problem? They broke up two years ago, and she was manipulative and abusive and cheated on him. After they broke up, she led him on for a while, making him think there was a possibility they might one day get back together (even though she stopped talking to him entirely later, but he’s still hung up on that hope).

He says he doesn’t want me to feel like second place, and that this isn’t what I deserve. He also feels a consuming guilt for being with me, because he feels like he’s cheating on me by essentially having stronger feelings for his ex. The reason he has such strong feelings for his ex is because he struggles with severe depression, but he felt the happiest he’d ever been with his ex. My guess is, knowing those other things about her, that she manipulated him into thinking he needed her. I said that I didn’t care that he still has feelings for his ex, and that getting over her would take time. It’s not like he actually cheated on me. He wants to get over her, but doesn’t feel like it’s going to happen any time soon, and he felt too guilty for staying with me when he had these feelings, so he broke up with me. Both of us admitted the night we broke up that we’d thought about marriage.

I suggested therapy, but he’s really resistant to the idea since he’s had bad experiences with it before and because he thinks that the therapist’s time would be better spent on someone else, since he doesn’t think he’d be able to open up to them. He doesn’t want to try medications either, because the last time he did, they didn’t help him in any noticeable way. I asked him if he was going to be trying to actively move on from me, just so I would know what to do with my own feelings. He said he just doesn’t know how to move on from anyone (in essence, he’s now going to be hung up on both me and his horrible ex). He did say that if he got over his ex one day, he’d be willing to try again, but that I should view this as more of a permanent thing right now because it’d be easier for me. We still hang out, but only once a week rather than the previous 3-4 times a week. It’s more difficult because he literally lives a floor below me and I’m living alone for the first time this semester, and while I try to hang out with other friends most nights, it’s not the same and I end up alone and sad more nights than I would like. I guess what I wanted to ask you is, what should I do? Should I try to move on?

In a word? Yes.

And I know that’s hard, sweet pea, especially considering the giant pile of rationalizations you’ve stacked up in your own way. Moving on is a difficult, painful process, and you have worked very, very hard to convince yourself that you don’t really have to do it—a situation not helped at all by your ex, who so thoroughly punted responsibility for your breakup that he all but forced you to dump yourself for him. (I’m still trying to wrap my head around the logic of telling a girl you have no real plans to move on from your relationship, but that she should think of it as over because it’ll be “easier.” It’s no wonder you’re completely confused.)

But alas, buried under all those mixed messages and weird what-if loopholes that your ex inadvertently built into your breakup is the cold, hard truth: he doesn’t want to be with you. And all that other stuff — the manipulative ex, his non-interest in therapy, his assertion that he doesn’t know how to get over anyone, or the fact that his unresolved feels for his ex didn’t manifest as actual, physical cheating — it seems important, I know. But it’s not. None of that stuff matters. None of it makes any difference at all. It’s a dusting of powdered sugar on top of a giant turd sandwich; it changes nothing except to make this situation look maybe the tiniest and most superficial bit less like the pile of hot garbage that it is.

And so, darling Sparkler, here is what you’re going to do: First, have a good, hard, sloppy “it’s seriously over” cry, if you haven’t already. No matter how many boxes on your Perfect Boyfriend Attributes List this guy might check, he also fails to meet the single most important requirement of anyone you date, which is that he actually want to be in a relationship with you. He doesn’t, and therefore, he is not your person.

And then? You’re going to move on, into a whole new life as a successful, ambitious, single graduate student. Which is the one real bright side to your current situation, by the way: you could do absolutely nothing and still be carried forward by the unstoppable march of time, which in this case is counting down to the perfect chance to try new things, make new friends, and otherwise heal from the disappointment of a relationship that didn’t work out. A huge life change like the one you’re about to embark on is the best remedy for a broken heart that there is; it won’t be long before this guy becomes part of a life you’re not living anymore—and while you may think of him regretfully or fondly, you’ll also find that you think of him less and less as time goes by. All you have to do is let go, and momentum will do the rest.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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