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The SparkNotes Blog

Homework help made hilarious.

Everything You Will Put on Your Christmas List This Year

If you celebrate Christmas, then you know as well as I do that it’s time, once again, to craft a list of demands (read: just a bunch of links to things on Amazon) and send it to your family. Through the years, however, I have realized that while we may be different people from all walks of life, when it comes to gifts we pretty much want the exact same things. Here is, by my count, everything you will put on your Christmas list this year:

1. Some sort of super niche fandom T-shirt from Etsy or Redbubble that will take about four hours to explain to your parents.

2. Something easy and inexpensive so your distant relatives who barely know you will have some idea what to get you instead of going off-script and buying you something bizarre and impractical. I can only assume my relatives are like “What does Elodie like? Gnomes? I think she likes gnomes. Let’s get her 7.”

3. Gift cards to your favorite store, because simply asking for clothes is a toss-up and rarely worth the risk.

4. Just straight-up money. Can you do that?

5. A book you will probably never read. You would like to read it, sure. You would like to be the sort of person who can say they will do things and then do them. The reality of the situation is that you are not such a person, and this book, full of promise, will languish unread on your shelf.

6. A book you will dive into the second you rip off the wrapping paper. Now this one you’ve been dying to read since September. You had to exercise a lot of self-restraint not to just buy it for yourself. As a result, you’ll spend the rest of the day sequestered in a corner somewhere, feverishly flipping pages and missing out on valuable family bonding time.

7. A book someone recommended to you and which you are on the fence about, so you don’t want to buy it for yourself, but if someone else were to buy it for you…

8. Boring things like socks and hair ties, because where are those things going?

9. Something super expensive you don’t have a prayer of actually receiving and which at this point you have already adapted comfortably to living without. Hey, it doesn’t hurt to ask.

10. New earbuds even though you already have earbuds.

11. A Spotify subscription. I wish I had the cash to pay for Spotify Premium myself so I wouldn’t have to suffer a heart attack every couple songs when they hit me with an ad that’s twenty times louder than it has any right to be. But I don’t.

12. Concert tickets for a band or artist your parents don’t know or care about.

13. Nerd merchandise, like a BB-8 coffee mug or a Wonder Woman Funko POP! figure, that will make you feel good inside even while the world crumbles around us.

14. A sense of purpose.

15. New boots.