New Year’s Resolutions of Shakespeare Characters

Whether you’re murderously jealous, murderously indecisive, or murderously murderous, who among us couldn’t do with some self improvement? Maybe this list is somewhat specific to Shakespeare’s characters, but maybe you’ll find some inspiration for your own New Year’s resolutions here. Or just the kick in the pants you need to stop murdering quite so much?

Hamlet: Pick up a meditation practice. Maybe lotus pose for a good 20 minutes each morning will help contain my daily downward thought-spirals and my extreme (like, award winning) waffling?

Othello: Dump those toxic friends. Be more trusting. Also, be less trusting.

Caliban: Improving my vocab, SAT-flash-cards-style.

Lady Macbeth: Chill with that whole desire-for-world-domination thing. Invest in Stain Stick.

Richard III: Is there some sort of mindfulness retreat I can go on that will make me care about whether or not I hurt people? Note: I’m not making any promises.

Egeus: Stop being a helicopter parent. Helicopter parenting is when you threaten your kids with execution when they don’t do what you want, right?

Rosalind: Get seed funding for my dating app. Contact Oprah about sponsorship?

Henry, Prince of Wales: Start going to the gym and doing juice cleanses. 2017 is the year I get “king ready.”

Brutus: 2017 is the year of bro’s before…civic duty? So in other words, not “country first.” I’m going to find a new BFF and not help assassinate him no matter how much it would really pull us together as a nation.

Mark Antony: Go cold turkey on Cleopatra.

Beatrice: Finally muster up the courage to put on my one-woman comedy show.