SparkNotes Blog

The Characters from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Ranked in Order of Hair

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I’m not saying I have my priorities completely in order; I am saying my enjoyment of a movie depends largely, if not solely, on how good everyone’s hair is looking. This is why any movie with Emma Stone in it is the best movie I’ve ever seen, and this is why Taylor Lautner’s center part in Twilight was almost what killed me.

I recently saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and I went in there with with two objectives:

  1. To determine whether this is a movie people should see
  2. To judge everyone’s hair based on arbitrary criteria such as “it’s got a lot of poof”

And I am delighted to report that I have succeeded on both fronts. Please check your mindfulness at the door, and let’s talk about hair, including whatever the hell was happening with Ezra Miller’s.