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Summary
Part II: September 29, 1957 – October 4, 1957
September 29, 1957
The narrative voice changes to Patrick’s, who writes in his diary in 1957. Walking to work, he witnesses a car hit a woman on a bicycle. The woman insists the police come, and Patrick goes to the nearest police box, where he meets Tom for the first time. Patrick ordinarily dislikes the police, but he is struck by Tom’s beauty. When they return to the scene of the accident and the woman sees Tom, her demeanor changes completely, and she cheerfully declares she is not in need of help. Patrick tells Tom he handled the situation well, at which Tom blushes. For the rest of the week, Patrick walks the neighborhood, watching for Tom. On Saturday, they speak on the street again, and on the following Tuesday, Patrick asks Tom to be a model for a portrait series he will paint.
September 30, 1957
Patrick had intended to burn the previous journal entry, but he wants to keep the writing to prove to himself that Tom exists. He remembers Wednesday nights with a previous boyfriend, Michael, who has now been gone for five years. Patrick would make the apartment look perfect, lighting a fire and making a dinner that Michael loved. The two of them would dance for hours before Patrick undressed Michael. Patrick writes that Tom’s youth makes him feel young himself.
October 1, 1957
Patrick writes in his journal over breakfast, planning what he will say when Tom comes to the museum later that day. Patrick wants to tell him about his plans to make the museum more welcoming, including his idea of having musicians play in the entry hall. Houghton, Patrick’s supervisor, opposes this plan, arguing that museums should be quiet places. In the afternoon, Tom comes to the museum. Eager to impress but worried Tom may feel intimidated, Patrick chooses a watercolor of the ocean to show him before taking him to his office. Patrick’s assistant Jackie brings them tea, and Patrick tells Tom he needs to get to know him as part of the process of making his portrait. Tom tells Patrick that he likes being a policeman because of the sense that he is protecting the public, and talks about his love of swimming in the ocean. They agree to meet the next week, and Tom calls Patrick by his first name when leaving.
October 3, 1957
Two days after Tom’s visit, Patrick is alarmed when Jackie asks who Tom was. He reassures himself that it is normal for women to ask about a handsome man and that Jackie is, after all, trustworthy and discreet. Nevertheless, his heart beats in the backwards pattern it sometimes takes on, what his doctor calls an ectopic heartbeat and Tom calls “trochaic.” He leaves the office and walks in the rain, first heading towards Tom’s police box, then thinking better of it and going home.
October 4, 1957
On Friday, Tom returns to the museum unexpectedly. Patrick invites him up to his office for tea. Tom asks whether art is just an excuse to look at naked women, and Patrick points out that nude male forms are also often subjects of art. As they walk to see the nude statue of Icarus, Tom says that liking art would make him a subject of derision at work, but that he has a friend, Marion, who likes it, too. Patrick tells himself that he can deal with a friend or a girlfriend or even a wife attached to Tom, just not a “lover.” Tom examines the sculpture closely while Patrick tells him the story of Icarus flying too close to the sun. Patrick suggests that he bring Marion to the museum sometime and that the two men meet at Tom’s apartment for the portrait sitting. Tom accepts his card, pleasing Patrick.
Analysis
Patrick’s journal illustrates his inner conflict about discretion and pride. Writing in a journal gives Patrick’s thoughts and feelings a physical reality, and he uses his personal writing as a way to make his experiences with Tom feel more real to himself. However, giving his internal reality a physical form also makes his secrets more vulnerable to discovery. Patrick considers writing a journal a dangerous habit, assuring himself that he will burn the pages he writes about Tom. Patrick’s conflict over the journal reflects his larger conflict over how to live his life as a gay man. On the one hand, he does not deny or condemn his own desire for men, despite considerable pressure from his society to live as a straight man. On the other hand, he disdains men like Gilbert Harding who announce their desire publicly, which Patrick believes makes it harder for men like him to be discreetly gay. Patrick’s secrecy offers him considerable protection in a world that is hostile toward gay men, but it also alienates him and causes strife within himself.
Patrick introduces the phrase “my policeman” when writing in his journal about the first time he encountered Tom. The phrase indicates Patrick’s desire to have Tom as his own and also his sense that Tom is different from other policemen. Patrick dislikes the police, in part for their habit of cruelty toward gay men, and he thinks of them as brutish and unattractive. However, from the moment he sees Tom, Patrick is convinced that Tom is different, both because he is very beautiful and because he seems immediately willing to trust Patrick. In this opening section of the journal, Patrick becomes sure that he can gain Tom’s attention, another meaning of his use of “my.” From their first meeting, Patrick lays the plans that will bring Tom to him and make him truly his own.
Patrick’s ectopic heartbeat indicates moments of heightened emotion and symbolizes an important aspect of his self-conception. When Patrick is afraid or excited, his heart beats backwards, “DUM-de” rather than “de-DUM.” The first example of this in the text takes place after Jackie, Patrick’s assistant, asks who Tom is, a line of questioning that makes Patrick worry over her loyalty and discretion about his identity. Later in the section, his heart beats this way when he sees Tom unexpectedly at the museum. Patrick’s doctor has told him that the condition is harmless and common—that if it is not precisely normal, it is “usual.” This logic fits well with Patrick’s own self-understanding. While he knows that his attraction to men is not considered normal, he knows it is common enough and does not see it as indication that there is something wrong with him. Patrick refers to his heartbeat as “trochaic,” a formal name for that same “DUM-de” rhythm in poetry. In this way, he redefines something unusual about himself in terms of beauty and artistry, rather than as a problem to be corrected.
The sculpture of Icarus that Patrick shows Tom at the museum is a symbol of risk-taking. In Greek mythology, Icarus is given wings of feather and wax made by his father, Daedalus, so that they can escape the prison-like maze of the Labyrinth. Although Daedalus warns Icarus not to fly too close to the sun, the boy is filled with pride and ambition and does not listen, too caught up in his new power of flight. The heat of the sun melts the wax, ruining the wings, and Icarus falls to his death. Patrick finds this particular sculpture of Icarus compelling because of the figure’s beauty and his apparent faith in his wings. As Tom examines the statue, his reflection in its glass case overlaps Icarus’s face and Tom’s reflection. This image suggests that Tom and Patrick are both like Icarus, willing to take risks in spite of others’ warnings. The moment foreshadows a tragic end for them, though it also promises thrilling freedoms before the fall.
