No Fear Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing: Act 3 Scene 3

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Much Ado About Nothing

William Shakespeare

Act 3 Scene 3

Original Text

Modern Text

Original Text

Modern Text

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Original Text	Modern Text
Enter DOGBERRY and VERGES with the Watch	Enter DOGBERRY and VERGES with the Watch
DOGBERRY Are you good men and true?	DOGBERRY Are you good men and true?
VERGES Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.	VERGES Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.
DOGBERRY Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if they 5 should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the Prince’s watch.	DOGBERRY Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if they should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the Prince’s watch.
VERGES Well, give them their charge, neighbor Dogberry.	VERGES Well, give them their charge, neighbor Dogberry.
DOGBERRY First, who think you the most desartless man to be constable?	DOGBERRY First, who think you the most desartless man to be constable?
FIRST WATCHMAN Hugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole, for they can write 10 and read.	FIRST WATCHMAN Hugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole, for they can write and read.
DOGBERRY Come hither, neighbor Seacole. God hath blessed you with a good name. To be a well-favored man is the gift of fortune, but to write and read comes by nature.	DOGBERRY Come hither, neighbor Seacole. God hath blessed you with a good name. To be a well-favored man is the gift of fortune, but to write and read comes by nature.
SEACOLE Both which, Master Constable—	SEACOLE Both which, Master Constable—
DOGBERRY 15 You have. I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favor, sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boast of it, and for your writing and reading, let that appear when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch; 20 therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge:	DOGBERRY You have. I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favor, sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boast of it, and for your writing and reading, let that appear when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge:
you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the Prince’s name.	you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the Prince’s name.
SECOND WATCHMAN How if he will not stand?	SECOND WATCHMAN How if he will not stand?
DOGBERRY Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go and 25 presently call the rest of the watch together and thank God you are rid of a knave.	DOGBERRY Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go and presently call the rest of the watch together and thank God you are rid of a knave.
VERGES If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the Prince’s subjects.	VERGES If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the Prince’s subjects.
DOGBERRY True, and they are to meddle with none but the Prince’s subjects.—You shall also make no noise in the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.	DOGBERRY True, and they are to meddle with none but the Prince’s subjects.—You shall also make no noise in the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.
WATCHMAN We will rather sleep than talk. We know what belongs to a watch.	WATCHMAN We will rather sleep than talk. We know what belongs to a watch.
DOGBERRY 35 Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend. Only have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well, you are to call at all the alehouses and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.	DOGBERRY Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend. Only have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well, you are to call at all the alehouses and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.
WATCHMAN How if they will not?	WATCHMAN How if they will not?
DOGBERRY 40 Why, then, let them alone till they are sober. If they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them for.	DOGBERRY Why, then, let them alone till they are sober. If they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them for.
WATCHMAN Well, sir.	WATCHMAN Well, sir.
DOGBERRY If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your 45 office, to be no true man, and for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why the more is for your honesty.	DOGBERRY If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man, and for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why the more is for your honesty.
WATCHMAN If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?	WATCHMAN If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?
DOGBERRY Truly, by your office you may, but I think they that touch 50 pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is and steal out of your company.	DOGBERRY Truly, by your office you may, but I think they that touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is and steal out of your company.
VERGES You have been always called a merciful man, partner.	VERGES You have been always called a merciful man, partner.
DOGBERRY 55 Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hath any honesty in him.	DOGBERRY Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hath any honesty in him.
VERGES (to the Watch) If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse and bid her still it.	VERGES (to the Watch) If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse and bid her still it.
WATCHMAN How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?	WATCHMAN How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?
DOGBERRY 60 Why then, depart in peace and let the child wake her with crying, for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baas will never answer a calf when he bleats.	DOGBERRY Why then, depart in peace and let the child wake her with crying, for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baas will never answer a calf when he bleats.
VERGES 'Tis very true.	VERGES 'Tis very true.
DOGBERRY This is the end of the charge. You, constable, are to present the Prince’s own person. If you meet the Prince in the night, you may stay him.	DOGBERRY This is the end of the charge. You, constable, are to present the Prince’s own person. If you meet the Prince in the night, you may stay him.
VERGES Nay, by 'r Lady, that I think he cannot.	VERGES Nay, by 'r Lady, that I think he cannot.
DOGBERRY Five shillings to one on ’t, with any man that knows the statutes, he may stay him—marry, not without the Prince 70 be willing, for indeed the watch ought to offend no man, and it is an offense to stay a man against his will.	DOGBERRY Five shillings to one on ’t, with any man that knows the statutes, he may stay him—marry, not without the Prince be willing, for indeed the watch ought to offend no man, and it is an offense to stay a man against his will.
VERGES By 'r lady, I think it be so.	VERGES By 'r lady, I think it be so.
DOGBERRY Ha, ha, ha!—Well, masters, good night. An there be any matter of weight chances, call up me. Keep your fellows' counsels and your own; and good night.—Come, neighbor.	DOGBERRY Ha, ha, ha!—Well, masters, good night. An there be any matter of weight chances, call up me. Keep your fellows' counsels and your own; and good night.—Come, neighbor.
WATCHMAN Well, masters, we hear our charge. Let us go sit here upon the church bench till two, and then all to bed.	WATCHMAN Well, masters, we hear our charge. Let us go sit here upon the church bench till two, and then all to bed.
DOGBERRY One word more, honest neighbors. I pray you watch about Signior Leonato’s door, for the wedding being there 80 tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight. Adieu, be vigitant, I beseech you.	DOGBERRY One word more, honest neighbors. I pray you watch about Signior Leonato’s door, for the wedding being there tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight. Adieu, be vigitant, I beseech you.
Exeunt DOGBERRY and VERGES	Exeunt DOGBERRY and VERGES
Enter BORACHIO and CONRADE	Enter BORACHIO and CONRADE
BORACHIO What Conrade!	BORACHIO What Conrade!
SEACOAL (aside) Peace! Stir not.	SEACOAL (aside) Peace! Stir not.
BORACHIO Conrade, I say!	BORACHIO Conrade, I say!
CONRADE 85 Here, man. I am at thy elbow.	CONRADE Here, man. I am at thy elbow.
BORACHIO Mass, and my elbow itched, I thought there would a scab follow.	BORACHIO Mass, and my elbow itched, I thought there would a scab follow.
CONRADE I will owe thee an answer for that. And now forward with thy tale.	CONRADE I will owe thee an answer for that. And now forward with thy tale.
BORACHIO 90 Stand thee close, then, under this penthouse, for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.	BORACHIO Stand thee close, then, under this penthouse, for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.
WATCHMAN (aside) Some treason, masters. Yet stand close.	WATCHMAN (aside) Some treason, masters. Yet stand close.
BORACHIO Therefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.	BORACHIO Therefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.
CONRADE 95 Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear?	CONRADE Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear?
BORACHIO Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should be so rich. For when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.	BORACHIO Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should be so rich. For when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.
CONRADE I wonder at it.	CONRADE I wonder at it.
BORACHIO 100 That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.	BORACHIO That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.
CONRADE Yes, it is apparel.	CONRADE Yes, it is apparel.
BORACHIO I mean the fashion.	BORACHIO I mean the fashion.
CONRADE Yes, the fashion is the fashion.	CONRADE Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
BORACHIO Tush, I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?	BORACHIO Tush, I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?
WATCHMAN (aside) I know that Deformed. He has been a vile thief this seven year. He goes up and down like a gentleman. I remember his name.	WATCHMAN (aside) I know that Deformed. He has been a vile thief this seven year. He goes up and down like a gentleman. I remember his name.
BORACHIO 110 Didst thou not hear somebody?	BORACHIO Didst thou not hear somebody?
CONRADE No, ’twas the vane on the house.	CONRADE No, ’twas the vane on the house.
BORACHIO Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is, how giddily he turns about all the hot bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty, sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy painting, sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old church-window, sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?	BORACHIO Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is, how giddily he turns about all the hot bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty, sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy painting, sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old church-window, sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?
CONRADE All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears out more 120 apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?	CONRADE All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears out more apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?
BORACHIO Not so, neither. But know that I have tonight wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of 125 Hero. She leans me out at her mistress' chamber window, bids me a thousand times good night. I tell this tale vilely. I should first tell thee how the Prince, Claudio and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable 130 encounter.	BORACHIO Not so, neither. But know that I have tonight wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero. She leans me out at her mistress' chamber window, bids me a thousand times good night. I tell this tale vilely. I should first tell thee how the Prince, Claudio and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.
CONRADE And thought they Margaret was Hero?	CONRADE And thought they Margaret was Hero?
BORACHIO Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio, but the devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by the dark night, which 135 did deceive them, but chiefly by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged, swore he would meet her as he was appointed next morning at the temple, and there, before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw o'ernight 140 and send her home again without a husband.	BORACHIO Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio, but the devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged, swore he would meet her as he was appointed next morning at the temple, and there, before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw o'ernight and send her home again without a husband.
SECOND WATCHMAN We charge you, in the Prince’s name, stand!	SECOND WATCHMAN We charge you, in the Prince’s name, stand!
FIRST WATCHMAN Call up the right Master Constable. We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.	FIRST WATCHMAN Call up the right Master Constable. We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.
SECOND WATCHMAN 145 And one Deformed is one of them. I know him; he wears a lock.	SECOND WATCHMAN And one Deformed is one of them. I know him; he wears a lock.
CONRADE Masters, masters—	CONRADE Masters, masters—
SECOND WATCHMAN (to BORACHIO) You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.	SECOND WATCHMAN (to BORACHIO) You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.
FIRST WATCHMAN 150 Masters, never speak, we charge you, let us obey you go with us.	FIRST WATCHMAN Masters, never speak, we charge you, let us obey you go with us.
BORACHIO We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of these men’s bills.	BORACHIO We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of these men’s bills.
CONRADE A commodity in question, I warrant you.—Come, we’ll 155 obey you.	CONRADE A commodity in question, I warrant you.—Come, we’ll obey you.
Exeunt	Exeunt