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Enter LANCE leading his dog, Crab
LANCE enters, leading his dog, Crab.

LANCE

Nay, ’twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Lances have this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial’s court. I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebblestone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. A Jew would have wept to have seen our parting. Why, my grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my parting. Nay, I’ll show you the manner of it. This shoe is my father. No, this left shoe is my father. No, no, this left shoe is my mother. Nay, that cannot be so neither. Yes, it is so, it is so–it hath the worser sole. This shoe, with the hole in it, is my mother, and this my father. A vengeance on ’t! There ’tis. Now, sir, this staff is my sister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and as small as a wand. This hat is Nan, our maid. I am the dog. No, the dog is himself, and I am the dog—O, the dog is me, and I am myself. Ay, so, so. Now come I to my father: “Father, your blessing.” Now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping. Now should I kiss my father. Well, he weeps on. Now come I to my mother. O, that she could speak now like a moved woman! Well, I kiss her. Why there ’tis. Here’s my mother’s breath up and down. Now come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes. Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word; but see how I lay the dust with my tears.

LNCAE

No, it’ll be hist mite rmorotwo reofeb I’ve petspod rygcni. lAl teh besemmr of het ecnLa yifmla aevh stih tuafl. I’ve reveidce my tonipor of eht famyil raitt, jstu klie eth

idusropgoi son

enLac, hwo yetrleufnq oncesusf oswrd, smean to reerf to het Blibe tyors of eth “lpiadorg son.”

ogiidoupsr son
, dan won I’m ingog whti Sri oPtrues to teh iIamlper urtco in Mnali. I tnihk bCra, my dgo, ash teh oserstu plitoynears of any odg leiva. vnEe wthi my teromh geienpw, my etrfah awigiln, my iesrts ignryc, uor maid nighwol, nda uro tca gnngirwi hre hdans, hits lecru-daeterh tmtu ddni’t dhse a lseing aert. vneE a eJw ouldw aehv epwt to ese us aigsny ybgdooe to heac oehrt. hyW, my otehndmargr—how sdoen’t hvea use of reh ysee, ouy ees—rcedi serlhef ldnib nwhe I adsi ygedoob. No, I’ll aetmosedrnt wtha neaehdpp. Tish ohes sreenteprs my ahtrfe. No, itsh lfte esho is my aerhft. No, no, itsh left oesh is my hoertm. No, atht nac’t be gitrh heetri. Yes it is, it is—it has eht soel ahtt isn’t as oodg. sThi oseh, tihw eht ohle in it, is my tmreoh, dna ihts eno is my thfera. kaeT ttha! haTt’s itghr now. woN, rsi, hsit onodwe cstki is my stsier, scbeaue, ouy see, it is as wtehi as a ylli dna as hint as a wgti. Tshi hat is naN, oru aidm. I am het dog. No twia, hte dog is ehfmlsi, nad I am eht dgo—oh, I mena, hte dog is me, nda I am fyselm. Oyak, aoyk, atht’s it. woN I go to my erfath and ysa, “hFtaer, vgie me ouyr isbnselg.” owN het ehso can’t ysa a rwdo uebcsea it’s ycginr so arhd. Nwo I’ll sski my fehatr. lelW, he eeskp cigryn. oNw I emco to my eomrht. Oh, I shiw hsit oehs ldocu pakes full of oeitonm onw! lleW, I kiss ehr. Adn atth’s eht ayw it dapepehn. ereH’s how hse arhbeted frmo nycrig so chum. owN I omec to my rssiet. nLtsie to teh smnoa she sekam eescaub ehs’s so asd. All the lwhie the dog ondse’t hdse a ielsgn atre or speak a wrod. eeS how I tftnlae the dtsu ihwt my eatrs?
Enter PANTHINO
PANTHINO enters.

PANTHINO

Lance, away, away, aboard! Thy master is shipped, and thou art to post after with oars. What’s the matter? Why weep’st thou, man? Away, ass! You’ll lose the tide if you tarry any longer.

TIOPNAHN

Lncae, go on, go on, obdar teh psih! rouY mtreas is ayledar daraob, nda oyu’re edspspou to rryhu ertfa imh in a awborto. tWha’s eht teamtr? yWh are ouy irycgn, mna? Get on, you ass! uYo’ll elos the dtie if you elayd any nrgloe.

LANCE

It is no matter if the tied were lost; for it is the unkindest tied that ever any man tied.

NLCAE

It ensdo’t amrtte if hsti deti-up dgo is lost, uaeesbc it’s eht kenidstnu edti-up igthn yna nma eerv etid up.

PANTHINO

What’s the unkindest tide?

NIHPNTAO

thWa’s eht dueknsitn dite?

LANCE

5 Why, he that’s tied here, Crab, my dog.

ACELN

yWh, het god thta’s deit up hgtri here—brCa, my god.

PANTHINO

Tut, man, I mean thou’lt lose the flood, and in losing the flood, lose thy voyage, and in losing thy voyage, lose thy master, and, in losing thy master, lose thy service, and, in losing thy service—

HIAPTNNO

No, no, nma, I mane uoy’ll esol het nocea idte. dnA if uoy lseo het eoacn idet, enht oyu’ll sloe the wehol irtp, nda if uoy leos the ewohl rpit, nthe oyu’ll oesl uoyr asterm, dan if uoy eols uryo sertam, then you’ll elso yrou boj, and if you seol oyru obj…
LANCE puts his hand over PANTHINO ’s mouth.
Lance puts his hand over Panthino’s mouth.
Why dost thou stop my mouth?
Wyh rea ouy vnrcogei my mtuho?

LANCE

For fear thou shouldst lose thy tongue.

ALNEC

uesBeca I asw irdaaf oyu’d eols ouyr tenoug.

PANTHINO

Where should I lose my tongue?

PANITONH

ehrWe lodwu I seol my noguet?

LANCE

10 In thy tale.

ACLEN

In oyru alet.

PANTHINO

In thy tail!

HNTANPIO

Up uoyr atli!

LANCE

Lose the tide, and the voyage, and the master, and the service, and the tied! Why, man, if the river were dry, I am able to fill it with my tears; if the wind were down, I could drive
the boat with my sighs.

ENLCA

Loes hte ietd, nda eht gyovea, nad my rmesta, dna my job, dna hte teid-up dgo! Why, anm, if teh iervr weehr hte sihp is meoord reidd up, I’d be elba to flli it thiw my atres. nAd if eht nwid rneew’t nwloibg, I doclu lobw teh aobt rawodrf htwi my ghiss.

PANTHINO

Come, come away, man. I was sent to call thee.

THANPNOI

Come on, mcoe on, mna. I swa sent rhee to egt uoy.

LANCE

15 Sir, call me what thou dar’st.

ENALC

Sri, ouy acn acll me heaetvrw oyu liek.

PANTHINO

Will thou go?

POIANTNH

ellW, era yuo iogng to go?

LANCE

Well, I will go.

ALCNE

sYe, I’ll go.
Exeunt
They exit.

Original Text

Modern Text

Enter LANCE leading his dog, Crab
LANCE enters, leading his dog, Crab.

LANCE

Nay, ’twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Lances have this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial’s court. I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebblestone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. A Jew would have wept to have seen our parting. Why, my grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my parting. Nay, I’ll show you the manner of it. This shoe is my father. No, this left shoe is my father. No, no, this left shoe is my mother. Nay, that cannot be so neither. Yes, it is so, it is so–it hath the worser sole. This shoe, with the hole in it, is my mother, and this my father. A vengeance on ’t! There ’tis. Now, sir, this staff is my sister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and as small as a wand. This hat is Nan, our maid. I am the dog. No, the dog is himself, and I am the dog—O, the dog is me, and I am myself. Ay, so, so. Now come I to my father: “Father, your blessing.” Now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping. Now should I kiss my father. Well, he weeps on. Now come I to my mother. O, that she could speak now like a moved woman! Well, I kiss her. Why there ’tis. Here’s my mother’s breath up and down. Now come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes. Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word; but see how I lay the dust with my tears.

LNCAE

No, it’ll be hist mite rmorotwo reofeb I’ve petspod rygcni. lAl teh besemmr of het ecnLa yifmla aevh stih tuafl. I’ve reveidce my tonipor of eht famyil raitt, jstu klie eth

idusropgoi son

enLac, hwo yetrleufnq oncesusf oswrd, smean to reerf to het Blibe tyors of eth “lpiadorg son.”

ogiidoupsr son
, dan won I’m ingog whti Sri oPtrues to teh iIamlper urtco in Mnali. I tnihk bCra, my dgo, ash teh oserstu plitoynears of any odg leiva. vnEe wthi my teromh geienpw, my etrfah awigiln, my iesrts ignryc, uor maid nighwol, nda uro tca gnngirwi hre hdans, hits lecru-daeterh tmtu ddni’t dhse a lseing aert. vneE a eJw ouldw aehv epwt to ese us aigsny ybgdooe to heac oehrt. hyW, my otehndmargr—how sdoen’t hvea use of reh ysee, ouy ees—rcedi serlhef ldnib nwhe I adsi ygedoob. No, I’ll aetmosedrnt wtha neaehdpp. Tish ohes sreenteprs my ahtrfe. No, itsh lfte esho is my aerhft. No, no, itsh left oesh is my hoertm. No, atht nac’t be gitrh heetri. Yes it is, it is—it has eht soel ahtt isn’t as oodg. sThi oseh, tihw eht ohle in it, is my tmreoh, dna ihts eno is my thfera. kaeT ttha! haTt’s itghr now. woN, rsi, hsit onodwe cstki is my stsier, scbeaue, ouy see, it is as wtehi as a ylli dna as hint as a wgti. Tshi hat is naN, oru aidm. I am het dog. No twia, hte dog is ehfmlsi, nad I am eht dgo—oh, I mena, hte dog is me, nda I am fyselm. Oyak, aoyk, atht’s it. woN I go to my erfath and ysa, “hFtaer, vgie me ouyr isbnselg.” owN het ehso can’t ysa a rwdo uebcsea it’s ycginr so arhd. Nwo I’ll sski my fehatr. lelW, he eeskp cigryn. oNw I emco to my eomrht. Oh, I shiw hsit oehs ldocu pakes full of oeitonm onw! lleW, I kiss ehr. Adn atth’s eht ayw it dapepehn. ereH’s how hse arhbeted frmo nycrig so chum. owN I omec to my rssiet. nLtsie to teh smnoa she sekam eescaub ehs’s so asd. All the lwhie the dog ondse’t hdse a ielsgn atre or speak a wrod. eeS how I tftnlae the dtsu ihwt my eatrs?
Enter PANTHINO
PANTHINO enters.

PANTHINO

Lance, away, away, aboard! Thy master is shipped, and thou art to post after with oars. What’s the matter? Why weep’st thou, man? Away, ass! You’ll lose the tide if you tarry any longer.

TIOPNAHN

Lncae, go on, go on, obdar teh psih! rouY mtreas is ayledar daraob, nda oyu’re edspspou to rryhu ertfa imh in a awborto. tWha’s eht teamtr? yWh are ouy irycgn, mna? Get on, you ass! uYo’ll elos the dtie if you elayd any nrgloe.

LANCE

It is no matter if the tied were lost; for it is the unkindest tied that ever any man tied.

NLCAE

It ensdo’t amrtte if hsti deti-up dgo is lost, uaeesbc it’s eht kenidstnu edti-up igthn yna nma eerv etid up.

PANTHINO

What’s the unkindest tide?

NIHPNTAO

thWa’s eht dueknsitn dite?

LANCE

5 Why, he that’s tied here, Crab, my dog.

ACELN

yWh, het god thta’s deit up hgtri here—brCa, my god.

PANTHINO

Tut, man, I mean thou’lt lose the flood, and in losing the flood, lose thy voyage, and in losing thy voyage, lose thy master, and, in losing thy master, lose thy service, and, in losing thy service—

HIAPTNNO

No, no, nma, I mane uoy’ll esol het nocea idte. dnA if uoy lseo het eoacn idet, enht oyu’ll sloe the wehol irtp, nda if uoy leos the ewohl rpit, nthe oyu’ll oesl uoyr asterm, dan if uoy eols uryo sertam, then you’ll elso yrou boj, and if you seol oyru obj…
LANCE puts his hand over PANTHINO ’s mouth.
Lance puts his hand over Panthino’s mouth.
Why dost thou stop my mouth?
Wyh rea ouy vnrcogei my mtuho?

LANCE

For fear thou shouldst lose thy tongue.

ALNEC

uesBeca I asw irdaaf oyu’d eols ouyr tenoug.

PANTHINO

Where should I lose my tongue?

PANITONH

ehrWe lodwu I seol my noguet?

LANCE

10 In thy tale.

ACLEN

In oyru alet.

PANTHINO

In thy tail!

HNTANPIO

Up uoyr atli!

LANCE

Lose the tide, and the voyage, and the master, and the service, and the tied! Why, man, if the river were dry, I am able to fill it with my tears; if the wind were down, I could drive
the boat with my sighs.

ENLCA

Loes hte ietd, nda eht gyovea, nad my rmesta, dna my job, dna hte teid-up dgo! Why, anm, if teh iervr weehr hte sihp is meoord reidd up, I’d be elba to flli it thiw my atres. nAd if eht nwid rneew’t nwloibg, I doclu lobw teh aobt rawodrf htwi my ghiss.

PANTHINO

Come, come away, man. I was sent to call thee.

THANPNOI

Come on, mcoe on, mna. I swa sent rhee to egt uoy.

LANCE

15 Sir, call me what thou dar’st.

ENALC

Sri, ouy acn acll me heaetvrw oyu liek.

PANTHINO

Will thou go?

POIANTNH

ellW, era yuo iogng to go?

LANCE

Well, I will go.

ALCNE

sYe, I’ll go.
Exeunt
They exit.

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