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BREAKING: Check Out the Final Trailer for Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them!

“Time is running out, Mr. Scamander.”

OKAY.

We are, by my count, 50 days, seven hours, and twelve emotional dry-heaving sessions away from having Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them beamed straight into our anxious eyeballs.

I do not have the clarity of language to tell you how this final trailer made me feel. I could try, certainly. I could attempt to finesse some sort of unwieldy verbiage out of my garbage mouth. But I think it would be better, in the long run, for you all to see it for yourself. Please sit back, relax, and revel in the roaring orchestral score of “Hedwig’s Theme”:

Now, a few notes on what was arguably the greatest trailer featuring a Gatsby-era goblin mobster that you or I will ever see:

I don’t yet know how this is possible, but Seraphina Picquery (the wizarding president in America) looks better and more magnificent every time we see her and I’m convinced that I am in love.

The Muggle cops will be bringing bullets to a magic fight! Perhaps this will silence the decades-strong outpouring of “WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE JUST SHOOT VOLDEMORT” comments we’ve had to endure, courtesy of the unlettered masses.

I’m betting these things could be dispatched with a simple Shield Charm, though admittedly my knowledge of firearms in 1920s America is rather limited. I do know that everyone was using Tommy Guns concealed in violin cases, and that’s just a fact.

Get a load of the goblin version of Bugsy Siegel. Better yet, get a load of Tina’s dress. I feel like I want to wear this dress to the funeral of a high-status CEO that I personally killed, but I also feel like I want to be buried in it.

WE GOT A GRINDELWALD MENTION. Grindelwald was like the Voldemort of his time, in that he was committing atrocities and advocating for wizardkind’s dominion over Muggles before it was cool. Will the Fantastic Beasts trilogy culminate in Dumbledore’s famous 1945 defeat of Grindelwald?

We finally saw Ezra Miller for roughly 1.2 seconds, but that’s okay, because we got a whole lot of Colin Farrell saying things like “I REFUSE TO BOW DOWN ANY LONGER” and that’s always a treat.

What can I say of Eddie Redmayne’s perfect freckled visage that hasn’t been said already? Let’s just take a moment and bask.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. As if all of this wasn’t enough, there will also be live Q&A sessions in select theaters on October 13th, starring Eddie Redmayne’s emphatic hand gestures. And if you live, as I do, in the backwater hinterlands of Nowhere, USA where the Q&A sessions are unlikely to be, they’ll also be live-streaming the event on Facebook!

Are you as excited as we are?