The Power of Guilt

But I don’t want any of my bad juju near that perfect, healthy baby.

In Chapter 1, After Stella checks into the hospital and sees that Julie is pregnant, Julie asks if Stella wants to feel the baby kick, and Stella tersely declines. Although Stella logically knows that she couldn’t give the baby cystic fibrosis, she instinctually feels the need to keep away from anything innocent, as though she could pass on bad luck simply through touch. Stella’s words and actions reflect her feeling that she is somehow responsible for her own illness.

It was supposed to be me, Will. Everyone was ready for that.

After Will discovers that Stella’s sister Abby is dead in Chapter 10, Stella explains why she feels the need to keep living for her parents’ sake. Here, Stella explains that she was the one who was supposed to die instead of Abby. Not only does Stella feel guilty for Abby’s death because she was not with Abby when she died, but Stella also feels responsible for making sure her parents don’t have to experience any more grief. Stella’s commitment to staying healthy is driven not by her will to live but by her guilt of what would happen to her parents without her.

It was on my watch, Will,” she says, pointing at herself and shaking her head adamantly. “I’ll be damned if it’s gonna happen again.

In Chapter 14, when Barb discovers that Will snuck into Stella’s pre-op room, she drags him back to his room and warns that he could kill Stella simply by being in the same room with her. Will asks why Barb cares so much about this, and Barb explains that she once had two patients with cystic fibrosis who fell in love, and so Barb let them break the rules by being together. She explains that one of the patients contracted B. cepacia and was removed from the transplant list, just as Stella would be if she got sick from Will. Here, Barb explains that she blames herself for the patient’s death and that she never plans to let the same thing happen again. Barb’s guilt over the past situation has never left her, making it impossible for her to allow Stella to be put in harm’s way.

You know what someone gets for loving me? They get to help me pay for all my care, and then they watch me die. How is that fair to anyone?

In Chapter 15, when Poe points out that Stella is only attracted to Will because of Will’s similarity to Abby, Stella retorts that Poe is too scared to stay in a real relationship. Later, when Stella and Poe make up, Poe admits that he is scared and explains exactly why that is. Even though Poe is still a ward of the state, he thinks of what he would be putting someone through when they have to take care of him. Poe’s guilt causes him to push away the people he loves as he does not want to burden them, financially or emotionally.

Relationships Between Parents and Children

When you have CF, you sort of get used to the idea of dying young. No, I’m terrified for my parents.

In Chapter 1, when Stella checks into the hospital and realizes her lung function is at 35 percent, she reflects that she is more afraid than she ever has been before. However, she clarifies that she is afraid not for herself but for her parents. While Stella has accepted the fact that she will die, she feels her passing is not a burden she can put on her parents, especially since they have already lost a child. Stella’s commitment to not upsetting her parents reveals that Stella feels the need to protect them more than they feel the need to protect her.

We made the most of every minute until my mom inevitably showed up and dragged me back inside.

While on the roof of the hospital in Chapter 4, Will remembers skating on a pond and playing in the snow with his friend Jason when they were younger. Concerned for his health, his mother would make him go back inside. This memory reveals how long Will has been resentful toward his mother, who prioritizes keeping him safe over letting him have fun. Even though she is doing everything in her power to keep Will alive, Will doesn’t recognize her love and care; he only sees his mother as the barrier between himself and his living a real life.

I climb onto her lap, like a child, and wrap my arms around her neck, smelling the familiar, safe, vanilla scent of her perfume. Resting my head on her shoulder, I close my eyes and pretend.

In Chapter 9, after Stella watches a video of Abby cliff diving, she becomes upset and goes out into the hallway, where she finds Barb. Barb reaches out to her, and Stella allows Barb to comfort her. This interaction shows that Stella sees Barb as the safe, protective, parental figure she so desperately wants but does not have in her own parents.

I resented so much the way she was always looking at me that I didn’t realize I was doing the exact same thing.

On Will’s birthday in Chapter 20, his mother comes to the hospital, and they learn the trial drug is not working. Will and his mother argue because he wants to stop the treatments, and his mother leaves. Will sees she has left a gift and opens it to find a rare political cartoon strip that he loves. Will had previously thought that his mother knew nothing about him aside from his illness, but this gift makes him realize she had been paying more attention than he thought. Here, Will realizes that he has only been seeing his mother as an obstacle when he should have been seeing her as a person.

Surviving versus Living

She doesn’t know what’s ahead of her or why she’s fighting. It’s just . . . instinct, Will. Her instinct is to fight. To live.

Here, in Chapter 6, Stella explains to Will why she likes to look at babies in the NICU: to remind herself that it is human instinct to stay alive. Stella, who at this point is committed to staying alive for the sake of her parents, needs to remind herself that fighting to live is the natural and right thing to do. By sharing this viewpoint with Will, she believes she’s encouraging him to do the same. However, Will has a different view on life, as he believes a life stuck in hospitals is not truly living.

I’ve been everywhere without actually seeing anything.

While Will draws a sketch of Stella in Chapter 9, they talk about the different things they’d like to do. Stella has a to-do list of practical items, while Will’s list reflects his longing to see the world. Will’s treatment has moved him to several different countries, but he hasn’t actually seen much outside each hospital. With these words, Will is saying that there’s a difference between going somewhere physically and actually experiencing the place where you are, just as there is a difference between being alive and living a full, meaningful life.

Ever since then it’s like I’ve been living a dream, every day focused on keeping myself alive to keep them both afloat.

In Chapter 11, after Stella and Will discuss Abby’s death, Stella recounts the aftermath, in which her parents separated and got divorced. Stella contemplates how she has changed since those events, going through the motions of each day instead of being present and emotionally engaged in life. Here, Stella begins to realize that being stuck in the past and then merely surviving for the sole sake of other people is not truly living.

I think I get it now. Why Will would go onto the roof. I’d do anything to get up from the gurney and run far, far away. To Cabo. To Vatican City to see the Sistine Chapel. To all the things I have avoided out of fear of getting sicker, only to find myself lying here anyway, about to go into another surgery I might not come out of.

In Chapter 13, while waiting in the pre-op room before surgery to replace her feeding tube, Stella understands that she may very well die during the operation and thinks about all the things in life that she might miss out on. She realizes that she has been letting her fear of getting sick run her life and almost imprison her, and if she were to die now, she would not have actually lived at all.