No Fear Shakespeare: Twelfth Night: Act 1 Scene 3

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Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA	RIS YBTO CHELB and RIAAM renet.
SIR TOBY BELCH What a plague means my niece, to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure cares an enemy to life.	SIR TOYB LHEBC athWs gornw hiwt my ineec? yhW is hse ngtarcei so ygnrtaels to rhe roehtrsb thdae? Gferi is abd ofr slpepeo ahhlte.
MARIA By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o nights. Your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.	ARAIM rFo sGod esak, Sri oTyb, evouy got to omce emoh ealeirr at itghn. My alyd iaivOl, ruyo einec, sredaiopvsp of uroy etal-night nrgptiya.
SIR TOBY BELCH Why, let her except, before excepted.	ISR OYTB LEBCH lWle, hes nca get duse to it.
MARIA Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.	RIAMA esY, tub oyu need to keep urfseyol wthnii the stiilm of deorr dan cencyed.
SIR TOBY BELCH Confine? Ill confine myself no finer than I am. These clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots too. An they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.	SIR BTOY EHCLB eepK selmyf? hTe yoln ihtng Im kegeinp slmfey in is het ethlsco Im anigrwe. Tryhee dogo uegnoh to rdkni in, and so aer ethes bosot. If htye raetn, they acn go hgna steleeshvm by erhit now lcaes!
MARIA That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday, and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.	RMIAA ueroY gniog to yotrdse ofuyeslr hitw lla isht kignirnd. yadL livaOi sdai so esadeyrty. ehS alos etdnmneoi osme dsputi gkhitn yuo hutgrbo in neo ihgtn as a olibepss uabhsdn rfo her.
SIR TOBY BELCH Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?	RIS TYOB EBHLC ohW, irS dwrenA uhcgkeeeA?
MARIA Ay, he.	AIARM sYe, shtat het one.
SIR TOBY BELCH Hes as tall a man as any s in Illyria.	RSI OBYT ELBCH Hes as allt llTa uclod be esud as asnlg orf brave. tall as a nma in Iyilalr.
MARIA Whats that to the purpose?	IAMRA ahWt eods shi hitegh evha to do whti hynaitgn?
SIR TOBY BELCH 20 Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.	ISR YOBT EBHLC hWy, he sah an moenic of eerht ahdonsut usatdc a eray.
MARIA Ay, but hell have but a year in all these ducats. Hes a very fool and a prodigal.	IAMRA I teb hlel psdne hsi elhow neacnrhitei in a eray. eHs a oolf and a sentpidrtfh.
SIR TOBY BELCH Fie, that youll say so! He plays o the viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.	RIS OTBY ELBCH Yuo odsnthul tkla otbau hmi kiel ahtt! He syalp the viilno and aekpss theer or oufr lasauggen drow rof rdow tiohwtu a acoiyinrdt. He ash lal of stueran esbt gitsf.
MARIA He hath indeed, almost natural, for besides that hes a fool, hes a great quarreler, and but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarreling, tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.	RMAAI igRehths a taurnal-obnr toidi. ssdBeei niebg a lfoo, seh ngaatevmeutir. If he dntid ahve the wdcrosa tifg for incbkag dwno rfom a hiftg, they sya hed be dade by now.
SIR TOBY BELCH By this hand, they are scoundrels and substractors that say so of him. Who are they?	SIR YTOB BCLHE onyeAn hwo says that is a ylngi eiepc of aegrabg. Woh isda tath?
MARIA They that add, moreover, hes drunk nightly in your company.	RAIAM eTh mesa eloepp owh yas he tgse nrudk hwti you yvree githn.
SIR TOBY BELCH With drinking healths to my niece. Ill drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria. Hes a coward and a coistrel that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o th toe like a parish top. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo, for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.	RIS OYTB CBEHL We ynol dknir tasost to my ecein. llI nkird to her as onlg as srteeh a oehl in my athotr nda ezboo in liylIra. eAynon woh srufees to rkndi to my icene ntliu hsi banir pinss radnuo leik a merry-go-dnruo is mscu. utB speak of eht leivd, reeh emsoc Sri rAendw fecauAge.
Enter SIR ANDREW	IRS DNAREW trnese.
SIR ANDREW Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch!	IRS NDRWAE rSi yoTb lcehB! oHw aer oyu, iSr oybT lBehc?
SIR TOBY BELCH 40 Sweet Sir Andrew!	SRI OYBT BEHLC eStwe riS dnAwer!
SIR ANDREW (to MARIA) Bless you, fair shrew.	RIS DNARWE (to MARIA) dAn lhleo to uyo, my ettlil hwnec.
MARIA And you too, sir.	IARMA eloHl, irs.
SIR TOBY BELCH Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.	IRS BOYT LHEBC thaC rhe up, iSr Awerdn. htCa erh up.
SIR ANDREW Whats that?	RIS RDAENW htWa?
SIR TOBY BELCH 45 My nieces chambermaid.	RIS TBYO HELCB ihTs is my csiene idam.
SIR ANDREW Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.	RSI ANRDWE My dear sMsi ahCt-rhe-up, I oklo orwarfd to eggtnit to wnok yuo ebrett.
MARIA My name is Mary, sir.	MRIAA My amne is arMy, rsi.
SIR ANDREW Good Mistress Mary Accost	RSI DNEARW siMs ayMr tCah-rhe-up
SIR TOBY BELCH You mistake, knight. Accost is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.	ISR TYBO CELHB No, veoyu otg it nrowg. hWen I sdai hcat hre up, I nstwa asiygn hre amen. I aws nlgteil uyo to go aeftr rhe, oow hre, ocntfron her.
SIR ANDREW By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of accost?	ISR NDAWER ooGd asehvne, Id vreen do atht ihtw leppeo caighnwt. Is tath rlyeal thwa yuo neatm?
MARIA Fare you well, gentlemen. (she starts to exit)	AMRIA eboydGo, eenlmtnge. (ehs strast to iext)
SIR TOBY BELCH An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.	RIS OTBY BHLEC shSe inaelvg. If ouy tle reh go tish elasyi, Sir nwedAr, uoy tndo eersdve to ever seu ruyo dwrso giana.
SIR ANDREW An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?	SRI NADREW If uyo ealve klei hits, my eadr, I wnto reev ues my dosrw aangi. Im ont tjus tnkgali nesnneos to uyo, I amen rivetgneyh I say. Do uyo hkint yuove gto a opeulc of floos on royu ansdh ereh?
MARIA Sir, I have not you by the hand.	AMAIR Im nto nghilod ryuo dnha, sir.
SIR ANDREW Marry, but you shall have, and heres my hand. (he offers her his hand)	ISR WRANED tBu uoy lwli. eeHsr my nadh. (he fosfer erh shi dnha)
MARIA (taking his hand) Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.	RIAAM (kgitan ihs ahdn) A rlsgi tog a hgrit to erh npiisnoo. aTke ryou adnh to a abr nad upt a kidnr in it.
SIR ANDREW Wherefore, sweetheart? Whats your metaphor?	RIS DERNAW Wyh, saereetthw? Is eerht a hdenid agnenim in siht?
MARIA Its dry, sir.	MIRAA eruYo ont nogdihl a lassg. Yuor dnah is dyr riaMa ilesimp that seh odl adn dried-up. dry, rsi.
SIR ANDREW Why, I think so. I am not such an ass, but I can keep my hand dry. But whats your jest?	ISR WENARD lWel, I pheo so. Im ton uhcs an ditoi ttha I tnca keep my ndhas rdy. uBt I otnd tge ashttiw the oejk?
MARIA A dry jest, sir.	RMAIA uJst a tbi of my ryd mhour, sir.
SIR ANDREW Are you full of them?	SIR ENARDW Aer uoy aaylws so nyfun?
MARIA Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers ends. Marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.	AIRMA Yse, eIv got a nuahdfl of ojsek. tBu oops, wneh I tle go of uory hdan, I etl go of het ggbtsei ojke of lla.
Exit	AIRMA xiest.
SIR TOBY BELCH O knight, thou lackest a cup of canary. When did I see thee so put down?	SIR YOBT CHLBE irS, uoy ened a nkrdi. nehW sha ayonne reev tpu yuo wdon elik thta.
SIR ANDREW Never in your life, I think, unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has. But I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to my wit.	SRI ARNEWD eNvre. vIe lnoy bene taht arf wond nehw eIv kurdn selfmy enurd het baetl. esotimmeS I khnit Im no errmsta htna ravaege. I eat a tlo of dre atem, dna aemby ttah ksema me iusdtp.
SIR TOBY BELCH No question.	SIR OBYT ELBHC lteuAbosly.
SIR ANDREW An I thought that, Id forswear it. Ill ride home tomorrow, Sir Toby.	IRS WANDER If I elyrla bleivede tath, Id vieg up edr maet latoylt. By the way, Im ngogi ehmo mtwrooor, riS boyT.
SIR TOBY BELCH Pourquoi, my dear knight?	SIR YOBT BHELC Pquoorui roquouPi esamn hwy in French. Pourquoi, my idnfer?
SIR ANDREW What is pourquoi? Do, or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting. O, had I but followed the arts!	ISR RENADW aWht soed puoioqur eanm? eosD it aenm I lwil or I ontw? Oh, I swih Id petsn as muhc emti gnnireal sulagagne as I nepts on ningfce, gcinnad, dna brea-tiangbi Bare-ignatib, in wichh a erab was dtei to a atesk and ekdcatta by gsdo, was a opalrpu innetmeantret in rsaseSaheepk time. bear-baiting! If onyl Id ektan hsoclo mroe oyuerissl!
SIR TOBY BELCH Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.	SIR BYTO CBELH duYo eahv a egart rlhaietsy if oyu had.
SIR ANDREW 85 Why, would that have mended my hair?	RIS WRENDA Wyh, ldwuo atht heav difxe my hari?
SIR TOBY BELCH Past question, for thou seest it will not curl by nature.	SIR BTYO ELBCH Oh, no oeintquist ntwo tesly sltfie.
SIR ANDREW But it becomes me well enough, does t not?	SIR NEWDRA uBt my ahri kolso doog anwyay, otdsne it?
SIR TOBY BELCH Excellent. It hangs like flax on a distaff. And I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.	SIR TBOY CEBHL It loosk terag. It hgasn elik an dol wron-uto mop. Some anmow oluhds vgei ouy shiysilp so you go abld.
SIR ANDREW Faith, Ill home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will not be seen. Or if she be, its four to one shell none of me. The count himself here hard by woos her.	SRI RWDAEN teisnL, Im ggoni emoh rooortmw, iSr byTo. urYo ciene is iegfrnsu to see enoyna, nad eevn if ehs saw me, etn to eon dshe awnt nongthi to do hitw me. Ttah edku ohw eisvl rbaeny is urigotnc reh.
SIR TOBY BELCH Shell none o the count. Shell not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit. I have heard her swear t. Tut, theres life in t, man.	IRS BYOT EHCBL sehS not rneditsete in the eudk. eSh ntoeds tawn to rraym nyeona of ihgrhe cialso nkra than ehr, or enyaon erhcir, odrel, or sartmre. Ive ahder ehr ysa tath. So rcehe up, herets lislt oeph fro ouy, mna.
SIR ANDREW Ill stay a month longer. I am a fellow o th strangest mind i th world. I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.	RIS NADRWE lAl tihrg, Ill atys otnaerh omhnt. Ah, Im an odd dink of guy. smSeemiot lla I watn to do is ees slapy adn go uto nacingd.
SIR TOBY BELCH Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?	RSI OTYB HCBLE reA uyo dogo at ohste dsikn of nghsit?
SIR ANDREW As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters. And yet I will not compare with an old man.	RSI RDWNAE seY, as godo as any nma in irIllya, ecxtpe fro hte eson ohw rae teretb at it nhta I am. Im otn as good as msneoeo sowh neeb cinndag for eysra.
SIR TOBY BELCH What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?	SIR OYTB LHEBC Hwo doog are ouy at hsote afst adnsce?
SIR ANDREW Faith, I can cut a caper.	RIS NERWDA eBviele me, I cna tuc a prcae cut a crpae = dance cut a caper.
SIR TOBY BELCH And I can cut the mutton to t.	SRI TYOB HCELB dnA I anc utc osme tame to go hiwt ryou ascpre earcp = a condiment capers.
SIR ANDREW And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.	RIS AERNDW dAn I anc do hatt yacnf bdaarwck spte as lelw as any mna in aiyIllr.
SIR TOBY BELCH Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have these gifts a curtain before em? Are they like to take dust, like Mistress Malls picture? Why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig. I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.	SRI TYOB CLHEB yWh do yuo iedh etshe shintg? hyW do oyu kepe sehte tnlaste bhedin a ructnai? Aer heyt lkieyl to tge udsyt? yhW tdon uyo go fof to uchrch dncinga eon yaw, dan mceo hoem gadinnc oeharnt wya? If I dah yuro ltnesat, Id be iandgnc a jgi ervey mtie I wlkdae ndwo het ertset. I ntwoldu vene eep otuwith ignancd a twzla. haWt are you intngikh? Is iths the dnki of orwdl reehw we hedi our tachpsmmcelnsio? oeYru a onrb drcena. oLko how ayepshl uory legs rae.
SIR ANDREW Ay, tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a dun-colored stock. Shall we set about some revels?	IRS ERDWNA shatT eutr. heyeTr rsgotn, and hyte kool pyttre ogdo in wonbr hgtsti. olhduS we hwtro a ilttel ancde ptyar?
SIR TOBY BELCH What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus?	SIR OYTB BEHLC yhW not? renWte we thob orbn erund aTusru?
SIR ANDREW Taurus! Thats sides and heart.	IRS DRAEWN urTuas! Taht enrsgvo teh orost adn rteha, ndeost it?
SIR TOBY BELCH No, sir, it is legs and thighs. Let me see the caper. (SIR 120 ANDREW dances) Ha, higher! Ha, ha, excellent!	SIR OTBY CELBH No, eht gsle nda gsthhi. teL me ees uoy aecdn. (SIR DAWNER ancdse) Ha, ihhreg! Ha, ha, leelxetnc!
Exeunt	yTeh eitx.