No Fear Shakespeare: Twelfth Night: Act 4 Scene 2

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Twelfth Night

William Shakespeare

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Original Text

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Original Text	Modern Text
Enter MARIA and FOOL	Enter MARIA and FOOL
MARIA Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard. Make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.	MARIA Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard. Make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.
Exit	Exit
FOOL Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in ’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown.	FOOL Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in ’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown.
FOOL puts on gown and beard	FOOL puts on gown and beard
I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.	I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA	Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH 10 Jove bless thee, master Parson.	SIR TOBY BELCH Jove bless thee, master Parson.
FOOL Bonos dies, Sir Toby. For, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, “That that is is.” So I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson. For, what is “that” but “that,” and “is” but “is”?	FOOL Bonos dies, Sir Toby. For, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, “That that is is.” So I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson. For, what is “that” but “that,” and “is” but “is”?
SIR TOBY BELCH To him, Sir Topas.	SIR TOBY BELCH To him, Sir Topas.
FOOL (disguising his voice) What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!	FOOL (disguising his voice) What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!
SIR TOBY BELCH The knave counterfeits well. A good knave.	SIR TOBY BELCH The knave counterfeits well. A good knave.
MALVOLIO (from within) Who calls there?	MALVOLIO (from within) Who calls there?
FOOL Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.	FOOL Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady—	MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady—
FOOL Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?	FOOL Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
SIR TOBY BELCH 25 (aside) Well said, Master Parson.	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Well said, Master Parson.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.	MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.
FOOL Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayest thou that house is dark?	FOOL Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayest thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.	MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.
FOOL Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony. And yet complainest thou of obstruction?	FOOL Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony. And yet complainest thou of obstruction?
MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.	MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.
FOOL Madman, thou errest. I say, there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.	FOOL Madman, thou errest. I say, there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell. And I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.	MALVOLIO I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell. And I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.
FOOL What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?	FOOL What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?
MALVOLIO 45 That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.	MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
FOOL What thinkest thou of his opinion?	FOOL What thinkest thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.	MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
FOOL Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.	FOOL Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas!	MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY BELCH My most exquisite Sir Topas!	SIR TOBY BELCH My most exquisite Sir Topas!
FOOL Nay, I am for all waters.	FOOL Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA 55 Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown. He sees thee not.	MARIA Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown. He sees thee not.
SIR TOBY BELCH To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.	SIR TOBY BELCH To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA	Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
FOOL (sings in his own voice) Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does.	FOOL (sings in his own voice) Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does.
MALVOLIO Fool!	MALVOLIO Fool!
FOOL (sings) My lady is unkind, perdy.	FOOL (sings) My lady is unkind, perdy.
MALVOLIO Fool!	MALVOLIO Fool!
FOOL (sings) Alas, why is she so?	FOOL (sings) Alas, why is she so?
MALVOLIO 70 Fool, I say!	MALVOLIO Fool, I say!
FOOL (sings) She loves another—Who calls, ha?	FOOL (sings) She loves another—Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for ’t.	MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for ’t.
FOOL 75 Master Malvolio?	FOOL Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO Ay, good fool.	MALVOLIO Ay, good fool.
FOOL Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?	FOOL Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
MALVOLIO Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, Fool, as thou art.	MALVOLIO Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, Fool, as thou art.
FOOL But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.	FOOL But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.
MALVOLIO They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send ministers to me—asses!—and do all they can to face me out of my wits.	MALVOLIO They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send ministers to me—asses!—and do all they can to face me out of my wits.
FOOL Advise you what you say. The minister is here. (in the voice of Sir Topas) Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! Endeavor thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.	FOOL Advise you what you say. The minister is here. (in the voice of Sir Topas) Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! Endeavor thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas!	MALVOLIO Sir Topas!
FOOL (as Sir Topas) Maintain no words with him, good fellow. (in his own voice) Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God b' wi' you, good Sir Topas. (as Sir Topas) Marry, amen. (in his own voice) I will, sir, I will.	FOOL (as Sir Topas) Maintain no words with him, good fellow. (in his own voice) Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God b' wi' you, good Sir Topas. (as Sir Topas) Marry, amen. (in his own voice) I will, sir, I will.
MALVOLIO Fool, fool, fool, I say!	MALVOLIO Fool, fool, fool, I say!
FOOL Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent for speaking to you.	FOOL Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.	MALVOLIO Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
FOOL Well-a-day that you were, sir.	FOOL Well-a-day that you were, sir.
MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.	MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
FOOL I will help you to ’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? Or do you but counterfeit?	FOOL I will help you to ’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? Or do you but counterfeit?
MALVOLIO 105 Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.	MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.
FOOL Nay, I’ll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.	FOOL Nay, I’ll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.
MALVOLIO Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee, be gone.	MALVOLIO Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee, be gone.
FOOL (sings) I am gone, sir, And anon, sir, I’ll be with you again, In a trice, Like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain, Who, with dagger of lath In his rage and his wrath, Cries “Aha,” to the devil, Like a mad lad, “Pare thy nails, dad, Adieu, goodman devil.”	FOOL (sings) I am gone, sir, And anon, sir, I’ll be with you again, In a trice, Like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain, Who, with dagger of lath In his rage and his wrath, Cries “Aha,” to the devil, Like a mad lad, “Pare thy nails, dad, Adieu, goodman devil.”
Exit	Exit