Twelfth Night

by: William Shakespeare

Original Text

Modern Text

SIR ANDREW

(to MARIA) Bless you, fair shrew.

SIR ANDREW

(to MARIA) And hello to you, my little wench.

MARIA

And you too, sir.

MARIA

Hello, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Chat her up, Sir Andrew. Chat her up.

SIR ANDREW

What’s that?

SIR ANDREW

What?

SIR TOBY BELCH

45My niece’s chambermaid.

SIR TOBY BELCH

This is my niece’s maid.

SIR ANDREW

Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

SIR ANDREW

My dear Miss Chat-her-up, I look forward to getting to know you better.

MARIA

My name is Mary, sir.

MARIA

My name is Mary, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Good Mistress Mary Accost—

SIR ANDREW

Miss Mary Chat-her-up—

SIR TOBY BELCH

You mistake, knight. “Accost” is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.

SIR TOBY BELCH

No, you’ve got it wrong. When I said “chat her up,” I wasn’t saying her name. I was telling you to go after her, woo her, confront her.

SIR ANDREW

By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of “accost”?

SIR ANDREW

Good heavens, I’d never do that with people watching. Is that really what you meant?

MARIA

Fare you well, gentlemen. (she starts to exit)

MARIA

Goodbye, gentlemen. (she starts to exit)

SIR TOBY BELCH

An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.

SIR TOBY BELCH

She’s leaving. If you let her go this easily, Sir Andrew, you don’t deserve to ever use your sword again.

SIR ANDREW

An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?

SIR ANDREW

If you leave like this, my dear, I won’t ever use my sword again. I’m not just talking nonsense to you, I mean everything I say. Do you think you’ve got a couple of fools on your hands here?

MARIA

Sir, I have not you by the hand.

MARIA

I’m not holding your hand, sir.