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Twelfth Night

William Shakespeare

  Act 1 Scene 3

page Act 1 Scene 3 Page 4

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SIR ANDREW

Marry, but you shall have, and here’s my hand.
60 (he offers her his hand)

SIR ANDREW

But you will. Here’s my hand. (he offers her his hand)

MARIA

(taking his hand) Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.

MARIA

(taking his hand) A girl’s got a right to her opinions. Take your hand to a bar and put a drink in it.

SIR ANDREW

Wherefore, sweetheart? What’s your metaphor?

SIR ANDREW

Why, sweetheart? Is there a hidden meaning in this?

MARIA

It’s dry, sir.

MARIA

You’re not holding a glass. Your hand is

dry

Maria implies that he’s old and dried-up.

dry
, sir.

SIR ANDREW

65Why, I think so. I am not such an ass, but I can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest?

SIR ANDREW

Well, I hope so. I’m not such an idiot that I can’t keep my hands dry. But I don’t get it—what’s the joke?

MARIA

A dry jest, sir.

MARIA

Just a bit of my dry humor, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Are you full of them?

SIR ANDREW

Are you always so funny?

MARIA

Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends. Marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.

MARIA

Yes, I’ve got a handful of jokes. But oops, when I let go of your hand, I let go of the biggest joke of all.
Exit
MARIA exits.

SIR TOBY BELCH

O knight, thou lackest a cup of canary. When did I see thee so put down?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Sir, you need a drink. When has anyone ever put you down like that.

SIR ANDREW

Never in your life, I think, unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has. But I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to my wit.

SIR ANDREW

Never. I’ve only been that far down when I’ve drunk myself under the table. Sometimes I think I’m no smarter than average. I eat a lot of red meat, and maybe that makes me stupid.

SIR TOBY BELCH

No question.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Absolutely.