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Summary
Part I, Section 2: “First Confirmation Class” – “Night Before First Day of School”
Xiomara begins confirmation class with her best friend Caridad, and she is immediately irritated by the other kids who are younger than her and stare at her. Even though she knows the kids from the neighborhood, she feels self-conscious as one of the oldest people in the class. Father Sean, the West Indian priest who leads the class, is well-known to Xiomara since he’s been at the church as long as she can remember. He led the youth Bible study Xiomara attended the year before, and she never thought of him as strict. She remembers him answering questions about sex and drugs. However, in confirmation class, he impresses how serious confirmation is in the relationship it marks between people and God. Xiomara spends most of the class whispering to Caridad. She asks her if she kissed any boys while she was away in the Dominican Republic and laughs about how neither of them have ever kissed anyone yet. The difference between the girls is obvious as Xiomara reveals how much she wants to make out with boys and Caridad encourages her to be quiet and pay attention to Father Sean’s lessons.
As she quiets down, Xiomara reflects on Caridad and their friendship. Caridad is unquestioningly devoted to church and can quote Bible verses from memory. She is not interested in boys and says she wants to wait for marriage before she has any kind of relationship with a boy. While Xiomara follows rules because she fears her mother, Caridad respects her parents. Even though she thinks she should hate her best friend because she’s everything her mother would approve of in a daughter, Xiomara loves Caridad like a sister. Xiomara, Twin, and Caridad have been friends since they were babies. They have had sleepovers and spend holidays at each other’s houses. Xiomara believes Caridad knows and understands her in a way no one else does. She especially appreciates how Caridad does not judge her for her feelings about her parents and church as well as her curiosity about boys.
As she’s grown up and matured, Xiomara is very interested in boys, but her feelings are complicated. While part of her likes the attention she gets for her appearance, she’s also a little frightened by the idea that guys sexualize her and seem to only be interested in her because of her body. She also carries the fear of how her mother would react if she ever did try to have any kind of relationship with a boy. Her mind goes to what if scenarios such as having sex and getting pregnant, getting her heart broken, or winding up old and bitter like her mother. More than anything, however, Xiomara understands that she has no experience and no experienced help to assist her in navigating the world of boys and sex and love. As she prepares for her first day of high school, Xiomara is nervous but also excited for something new that she feels like she’s been preparing for.
Analysis
Xiomara is young woman who believes she does not have control over her own choices. In confirmation class, Xiomara is struck by Father Sean’s statement that confirming a relationship with God must be of one’s own volition. Since Xiomara feels like her whole life is dictated by her mother, this statement is ironic because she wouldn’t be in confirmation class if Mami wasn’t forcing her to go. She acknowledges that everyone around her must know she doesn’t want to participate because her face clearly shows that she does not want to be there. But her fear of Mami is greater than her will to defy her, so Xiomara is trapped in the mandatory class that is, according to Father Sean, supposed to be done out of free will. This dramatic irony underscores the dynamic between Xiomara and Mami as well as Xiomara and her relationship with the church. Mami’s goal is to control Xiomara. Even her friendship with Caridad is a relationship that began through her mother and Caridad’s parents and is allowed to continue because Mami approves of Caridad.
Xiomara and her best friend are foils. Xiomara notes that they are nothing alike, physically or spiritually. Xiomara describes Caridad as a petite, devout, respectful girl who does not share Xiomara’s interests in boys or sex. Despite the fact that her friendship with Caridad is a relationship cultivated in part by Mami, Xiomara loves her friend even though she is a constant reminder of all the ways Xiomara believes she falls short. Caridad functions as the mother Xiomara needs but doesn’t have in Mami. When Xiomara expresses her secret thoughts about boys with Caridad, instead of condemning and threatening her like Mami, Caridad understands that Xiomara needs to find her own path. Although she encourages Xiomara to stop cursing and talking about making out with boys, Caridad doesn’t shame Xiomara for her thoughts. Instead, she stays light-hearted and assures Xiomara that she’ll be able to resolve her questions and feelings and confusions on her own.
Xiomara’s comparison of life with Mami as a prison is apt to her fifteen-year-old sensibilities. In addition to being forced to attend confirmation class and act out a belief in a religion she questions, Xiomara’s social life is severely limited. There are no other friends mentioned in Xiomara’s life, suggesting that she is either not allowed to socialize with anyone other than Caridad or does not feel comfortable trying to expose her family life to anyone else. Additionally, Xiomara has many questions about boys, sex, and relationships, but she has no one to guide her. Not only does she not have a mother to get answers to her questions, but she also does not have a model for a healthy and loving relationship since she depicts her parents’ marriage as dysfunctional and loveless. Still, Xiomara is hopeful that starting high school will provide new opportunities for her to break out of Mami’s control at least a little and help her become the person she believes she’s meant to be, the person she’s felt herself growing into for a while.
