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“When your body takes up more room than your voice you are always the target of well-aimed rumors, which is why I let my knuckles talk for me. Which is why I learned to shrug when my name was replaced by insults. I’ve forced my skin just as thick as I am.”
In the novel’s opening pages, Xiomara reflects on how much she’d like to be invisible and how impossible that is given her shapely figure and taller-than-average height. To combat the way she is sexualized, Xiomara fights back, ironically like a man. Her reflection that she has forced her skin to be thick, so she can ignore the barrage of commentary, reveals Xiomara’s character as one who is inwardly turned, reliant solely on herself. Xiomara is treated like a sexual object, and it changes who she is and how she thinks about herself. As a victim of misogyny and sexism, Xiomara learns that her voice is not enough and that she will be judged and stereotyped based on her body. She feels like her identity is based on her physical appearance rather than her thoughts and feelings. She is catcalled and harassed by random boys and even grown men. It’s frightening and confusing for her, and she has steeled herself to fight to defend herself even though she should never be put in those positions in the first place. She says she has “forced” herself to become hardened to the way she’s seen and treated, an indication that she’s had to change not only her behavior but her self-concept because of the way she’s treated by males.
"How does a girl like me figure out the weight of what it means to love a boy?”
Xiomara is interested in love and in a boyfriend, but this quote, a reflection of Xiomara’s early in the novel demonstrates her frustration at having never been modeled a healthy relationship. Xiomara has been told her whole life that to experience desire is to be sinful. She is taught through the sexism of those around her that her only value is her body, and everything related to intimacy that she might do with her body is dirty. Mami’s ironclad rules demand that Xiomara never date or develop any relationships with boys. Her first relationship, according to Mami, will begin when Xiomara is married. Because she is not permitted to explore intimate relationships even in age-appropriate ways, Xiomara has no idea what the ramifications are of being in love. Additionally, she does not even have a healthy model for a loving relationship since Mami and Papi are distant and cold with one another. Their relationship was based on an arranged marriage formed for the benefit of their families rather than any feelings of affection or love. As a result, Xiomara struggles to make sense of how to experience love and develop healthy relationships that will be strong partnerships of equals.
“It’s one of the few things Twin and I argue about, how he never has to do half the cleaning shit I do but is still better liked by Mami.”
Though Twin and Xiomara are equally capable, Xiomara is the only one required to clean house after school. This quote is one of Xiomara’s reflections on the family’s rote routine and her reluctant compliance in it. Readers also see Xiomara’s observation her mother’s apparent sexism and preferential treatment toward her children. Xiomara exists within the double standards of sexism. At home, Mami demands that Xiomara take on domestic chores that are not expected of her brother. While Xiomara would be punished, Twin only helps around the house if he wants to and faces no consequences if he chooses not to do things like cleaning or doing laundry. The sexist roles are so fixed in the household that Xiomara must even be mindful of Papi watching television as she cleans, making sure not to block his view while he watches sports or the news as his daughter cleans. The double standard carries over into the church’s teachings as well. The expectation for avoiding sin is the women’s burden to carry. If a man is sexually tempted by a woman, the man bears no responsibility. Like Eve in the garden of Eden, it is considered the woman’s fault, and it is her responsibility to alter and monitor her own behavior rather than expecting the men to make any modifications to their own behavior or thoughts.
