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Summary
Part II, Section 2: “Swoon” – “Feeling Off When Twin Is Mad”
As Xiomara’s attraction to Aman continues to grow and she texts him late into the night, she notices that Twin is also texting someone. She understands that they both have secrets and they respect each other’s privacy. Still, they both acknowledge how they’re both smiling more, and even Caridad notices how happy Xiomara is. Aman is mindful of Xiomara’s boundaries, accepting it when she declines his hint to smoke marijuana with him sometime, and only becoming more physical when she allows it. She writes more poetry about him. One day before Halloween, there’s a fire alarm at school. Xiomara and Aman skip the rest of the day and go to the park where they kiss for the first time, and she feels sexual desire for the first time. As they ride the train later, Aman asks Xiomara to meet him at a Halloween party, but she thinks how impossible it is because of all Mami’s rules. However, since she’s already been breaking rules, she questions how far she can continue to go.
At confirmation class, Father Sean asks Xiomara how she’s doing, and she suspects he knows she hasn’t been taking communion. At home, Xiomara confronts Twin and asks him directly who he’s been texting, but he says they don’t need to talk about it because they both know they have big secrets. Xiomara wonders if the person Twin is texting is actually a boy and how their parents would react to that. Meanwhile, Aman doesn’t mention the Halloween party until he mentions that he’ll see her there, assuming that she’ll come. Twin comes home with a black eye, and Xiomara is furious even as Twin gives her a look that lets her know not to ask questions. Xiomara gets Twin and Caridad to agree to cover for her and say they’re all going to the movies together so she can go. At the party, Xiomara and Aman dance, grinding against each other until she’s scared of how good it feels and says she needs to go outside for air.
Outside, Aman mentions that his apartment is nearby and his dad is at work, but Xiomara knows she isn’t ready and says she needs to go home. Aman doesn’t argue. Instead, he asks her to read him a poem, and Xiomara feels better again. When she texts Caridad to let her know that she’s on her way to meet with her and Twin, Xiomara tells her that as wonderful as the night was, she knows it can’t last because of her mother’s rules. The next day after Mass, Caridad invites Xiomara to her house. As her best friend braids her hair, Xiomara reflects on how Caridad, and friends in general, should bring out the best in each other, and she feels peaceful away from her own home for a while. On Monday, she goes to Twin’s school to confront whoever gave him the black eye but sees him with a white boy that she understands immediately is his boyfriend. Twin tells her to leave, and Xiomara is crushed that even though he clearly needs protection, he’s got someone else to do it. She isn’t really surprised by the revelation that Twin is gay, however, Xiomara knows there is no protection from Mami and Papi if they find out Twin is gay and dating a white boy. They both maintain their silence, and Xiomara doesn’t know how to support her brother and move on.
Analysis
Despite Mami’s strict rules and warnings about boys, Xiomara grows further as a dynamic character, pushing against the boundaries Mami has always defined for her. Xiomara demonstrates her desire for autonomy and independence not only in what she does but also what she thinks and feels. From hand-holding to kissing to letting Aman feel her body, Xiomara learns to set her own limits. Ironically, despite her mother’s warnings about losing herself and being taken over by men, Xiomara finds she can establish and hold her own boundaries. Instead of warring with Mami, Xiomara battles with herself, balancing what feels good with Aman with her own confusion and desire. Her ability to set her own limits and stop when Aman moves his hands up her shirt, for example, show that Xiomara is not the helpless victim or the uncontrollable whore that Mami accuses her of being.
Xiomara also becomes more aware of the need for and value of intimacy. Within their family, Papi is disengaged and takes no meaningful interest in his wife or children, and Mami holds the role of dictator without expressing interest in anyone else’s feelings or sharing her own. Even though Xiomara is close with Twin and Caridad, there are things she does not feel comfortable sharing with them. In her relationship with Aman, however, she establishes an emotional intimacy that helps her grow as a person. One of the things that she finds most attractive is his interest in her poetry and his desire to hear her read it to him. Aman’s support of her as a writer inspires Xiomara not only to ask Aman to share things about himself and his own family but also leads her to create more poetry, showing how relationships can be an important part of her creative process. As a result of her intimacy with Aman, Xiomara becomes more empathetic, taking interest in the lives of others rather than focusing on herself. Xiomara is able to empathize with Father Sean as he tells her about losing his mother, and she’s ashamed that she wasn’t even aware when he suffered that loss. When she observes Twin texting late at night and sees that he’s happier than usual, she explores for the first time the question whether he might be gay and what that could mean for him in their family. When Twin chooses not to confide in her, Xiomara understands that intimacy does not mean sharing every secret. Instead, it means knowing that Twin needs to hold his secrets until he’s ready to share them with her, if he ever is.
Xiomara wants to live up to the meaning of her name, a warrior, and right wrongs even though she does not yet have the desire or ability to fight her own battle with Mami other than to secretly defy her. The costume she puts together for the Halloween party she sneaks to is Green Lantern, a superhero, but it is a haphazard one that she throws together, symbolic of how she fights her battles without much foresight or thought. Instead of fighting for herself against Mami’s rules, she appoints herself as Twin’s protector. After he comes home with a black eye, Xiomara goes to his school to confront whoever hurt him, furious that he didn’t confide in her about being bullied. When Twin tells her he doesn’t need her to fight for him, Xiomara is left questioning her warrior status. If she can’t fight for Twin, the only person left to defend is herself, and that is a much more frightening battle with much higher stakes.
