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Summary
Part I, Section 4 “It’s Only the First Week of Tenth Grade” – “Feeling Myself”
The school year has barely started, and Xiomara is already struggling with boys who harass her. Even though she’s disgusted, there is also a bit of excitement over boys finding her desirable. Xiomara continues thinking about her interactions with boys when she goes to the basketball court on a Saturday with Twin and Caridad and finds herself enjoying the shirtless boys running around on the court. Two things happen as a result: she realizes Twin is staring at the boys just as much as she is, and she gets approached by a boy. When Xiomara shrugs and tries to walk away, the boy persists and belittles Twin which leads to Xiomara humiliating the boy in front of the others. While leaving, she reflects that it doesn’t matter what she wears, what she says, or what she does. There are always boys and men who sexualize or even touch her, and it’s scary for her. The only thing that makes her feel better is writing.
Xiomara is angry because Twin never defends her. She’s tired of having to be the one to fight back with words and hands, but she and Twin never talk about her disappointment in him. The next day in church, Xiomara feels imprisoned. She’s always gone to church and taken communion, but on this day, she refuses to take the communion wafer. She thinks if her life is truly a gift from God, she doesn’t want to show thanks for it since it’s not a life that feels authentic to her. Also, she is very aware of what she perceives as misogyny in the Catholic religion. Mami is furious, telling Xiomara to never deny communion again. At home, Xiomara overhears Mami complaining about her to Papi, and he reassures Mami that Xiomara is just an average teenage girl, but he doesn’t really defend Xiomara or tell Mami to back off. Papi is present in their home, but he’s not really an active part of their lives, never interacting with his children in any meaningful way or standing up for them, especially Xiomara.
Xiomara sees a flier advertising a poetry club sponsored by Ms. Galiano. She wants to join, but the club meetings would conflict with confirmation class, so she knows there’s no way she can do it. Despite disappointment, a boy named Aman is assigned to be Xiomara’s lab partner, and she is attracted to him. She tells Caridad about him later in confirmation class, and Caridad warns her about the dangers of lust. Later at home, Xiomara finds the poetry club flier she crumpled up on her bed, smoothed out and left there by Twin who encourages her. Even though she likes to know he believes in her, Xiomara tears up the flier before Mami sees it. She can’t quit thinking about it though and asks Ms. Galiano the next day. The teacher shows a video of a spoken word performance during class which enthralls Xiomara even as she doubts she’d ever be brave enough to do something like that. Still, she starts memorizing and reciting her poetry alone.
Xiomara and Aman start talking during class, and Xiomara brings up music. Like poetry, Xiomara loves music as a way to escape her own life for a little while, and she likes rap and hip-hop. Aman suggests that they listen to his new Kendrick Lamar album together. She wonders if music can be something to connect her to Aman, and she starts fantasizing about him and tells him she’d like to listen to music with him and asks him to get together the next day even though she tries not to think of it as a date since she’s not allowed to go out with a boy until she’s married. As she thinks about getting together with Aman, she knows she’s taking a huge risk because of Mami’s rules. While she gets ready for school, however, she’s excited and admires her appearance in the mirror, feeling powerful.
Analysis
In the first days of school, Xiomara continues to be catcalled and is caught between her anger and revulsion and her disgust with herself when she admits that there is a small part of her that enjoys the idea of being desirable. The allusion to Medusa emphasizes not only Xiomara’s understanding that her physical appearance is something that marks her as a target for conquest by men but also how Xiomara wants a mother who will defend her and teach her what she needs to know to be safe from the male gaze as well as physical threats. Envisioning a Medusa-mother and fantasizing about having a mother who savagely defends and instructs her is ironic since Mami believes she is fiercely protecting her daughter and teaching her what she needs to know, including being unquestioningly faithful to God and the Catholic church. However, Xiomara’s vision of an ideal mother is a pagan creature known as a symbol for female rage, demonstrating how she wants to be protected on her own terms.
When she’s at the basketball court, Xiomara’s desire to watch boys without being seen symbolizes her growing curiosity about her own sexuality. She is also becoming increasingly aware that there is little she can do in terms of dress or behavior that will deter boys from sexualizing her and approaching her with advances, wanted or not. Xiomara defends herself when Twin does not, when a boy catches her watching him and calls her out, saying he can “handle” a girl like her. The idea of being handled or controlled is a trigger for Xiomara, and when she insults both the boy’s ability to play basketball along with his manhood, she regains her power in the situation even though she hates having her personality shaped by the need to always be on the defensive. The event also highlights a source of friction with Twin because he never stands up for her. She recognizes the mutual disappointment they share in one another. Neither can say to the other what they see in terms of their maturity and sexuality, both of which defy the church they were raised to unquestioningly follow.
Xiomara’s desire for control and autonomy results in her refusal to take communion. Mami fully embraces the idea of communion symbolizing the spiritual union between God and the person who eats the wafer that represents the body of Christ and expects her daughter to participate in the holy sacrament without question. When Xiomara refuses to get up from the pew and line up for communion, Mami’s rebuke only strengthens Xiomara’s resolve. For Xiomara, the church and her own objectification are intertwined. Since she has been taught about various women in the Bible who weren’t obedient to the laws of God, Xiomara believes the church is a source of patriarchal oppression. Refusing communion is a repudiation of Mami as well as the entire misogynistic system of Catholicism. Even though she feels forced by Mami to return to the ritual of communion the next time she’s at church, Xiomara maintains her rebellion by spitting out the wafer. The rebellion continues when Xiomara questions if she can take part in the poetry club and pursues a relationship with Aman in violation of Mami’s rules.
Both Papi and Twin are oppressed by Mami and the expectations of the society in which they live. Known as a womanizer and a partier, Papi’s life changed when his twins were born. Just as Mami expects Xiomara to show gratitude by taking communion, Xiomara says Papi giving up all the things in his life that could be considered sinful is a form of capitulation to Mami and their faith. Ironically, Papi does not protect his children, especially Xiomara, from Mami’s oppressive expectations, so his sacrifices are essentially meaningless because his children are unhappy. Likewise, although Twin enjoys more freedom due to his gender, Xiomara uses the metaphor of a goldfish to describe both her life and Twin’s. Because the two of them share a bedroom and because their lives are so bound together with their insular family and church, Xiomara says they make and keep each other small. It’s implied in this section that Twin is gay but he is unable to come out to his repressive parents.
Analysis
In the first days of school, Xiomara continues to be catcalled and is caught between her anger and revulsion and her disgust with herself when she admits that there is a small part of her that enjoys the idea of being desirable. The allusion to Medusa emphasizes not only Xiomara’s understanding that her physical appearance is something that marks her as a target for conquest by men but also how Xiomara wants a mother who will defend her and teach her what she needs to know to be safe from the male gaze as well as physical threats. Envisioning a Medusa-mother and fantasizing about having a mother who savagely defends and instructs her is ironic since Mami believes she is fiercely protecting her daughter and teaching her what she needs to know, including being unquestioningly faithful to God and the Catholic church. However, Xiomara’s vision of an ideal mother is a pagan creature known as a symbol for female rage, demonstrating how she wants to be protected on her own terms.
When she’s at the basketball court, Xiomara’s desire to watch boys without being seen symbolizes her growing curiosity about her own sexuality. She is also becoming increasingly aware that there is little she can do in terms of dress or behavior that will deter boys from sexualizing her and approaching her with advances, wanted or not. Xiomara defends herself when Twin does not, when a boy catches her watching him and calls her out, saying he can “handle” a girl like her. The idea of being handled or controlled is a trigger for Xiomara, and when she insults both the boy’s ability to play basketball along with his manhood, she regains her power in the situation even though she hates having her personality shaped by the need to always be on the defensive. The event also highlights a source of friction with Twin because he never stands up for her. She recognizes the mutual disappointment they share in one another. Neither can say to the other what they see in terms of their maturity and sexuality, both of which defy the church they were raised to unquestioningly follow.
Xiomara’s desire for control and autonomy results in her refusal to take communion. Mami fully embraces the idea of communion symbolizing the spiritual union between God and the person who eats the wafer that represents the body of Christ and expects her daughter to participate in the holy sacrament without question. When Xiomara refuses to get up from the pew and line up for communion, Mami’s rebuke only strengthens Xiomara’s resolve. For Xiomara, the church and her own objectification are intertwined. Since she has been taught about various women in the Bible who weren’t obedient to the laws of God, Xiomara believes the church is a source of patriarchal oppression. Refusing communion is a repudiation of Mami as well as the entire misogynistic system of Catholicism. Even though she feels forced by Mami to return to the ritual of communion the next time she’s at church, Xiomara maintains her rebellion by spitting out the wafer. The rebellion continues when Xiomara questions if she can take part in the poetry club and pursues a relationship with Aman in violation of Mami’s rules.
Both Papi and Twin are oppressed by Mami and the expectations of the society in which they live. Known as a womanizer and a partier, Papi’s life changed when his twins were born. Just as Mami expects Xiomara to show gratitude by taking communion, Xiomara says Papi giving up all the things in his life that could be considered sinful is a form of capitulation to Mami and their faith. Ironically, Papi does not protect his children, especially Xiomara, from Mami’s oppressive expectations, so his sacrifices are essentially meaningless because his children are unhappy. Likewise, although Twin enjoys more freedom due to his gender, Xiomara uses the metaphor of a goldfish to describe both her life and Twin’s. Because the two of them share a bedroom and because their lives are so bound together with their insular family and church, Xiomara says they make and keep each other small. It’s implied in this section that Twin is gay but he is unable to come out to his repressive parents.
