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Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN, FALSTAFF’s Page.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN, FALSTAFF’s Page.
FALSTAFF
Mine Host of the Garter!
FALSTAFF
Mine Host of the Garter!
HOST
What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
HOST
What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of
5
my followers.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of
5
my followers.
HOST
Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag;
trot, trot.
HOST
Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag;
trot, trot.
FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.
FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.
HOST
Thou ’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and
10
Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw,
he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
HOST
Thou ’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and
10
Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw,
he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine Host.
FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine Host.
HOST
I have spoke. Let him follow.—Let me see thee
froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow.
HOST
I have spoke. Let him follow.—Let me see thee
froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow.
HOST exits.
HOST exits.
FALSTAFF
15
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good
trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered
servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.
FALSTAFF
15
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good
trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered
servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot
20
wield?
PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot
20
wield?
BARDOLPH exits.
BARDOLPH exits.
NYM
He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor
conceited?
NYM
He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor
conceited?
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox.
His thefts were too open. His filching was like an
25
unskillful singer; he kept not time.
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox.
His thefts were too open. His filching was like an
25
unskillful singer; he kept not time.
NYM
The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.
NYM
The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.
PISTOL
“Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal”? Foh, a fico
for the phrase!
PISTOL
“Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal”? Foh, a fico
for the phrase!
FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
PISTOL
30
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
PISTOL
30
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I
must shift.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I
must shift.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL
35
I ken the wight. He is of substance good.
PISTOL
35
I ken the wight. He is of substance good.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am
about.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am
about.
PISTOL
Two yards and more.
PISTOL
Two yards and more.
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the
40
waist two yards about, but I am now about no
waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make
love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She
discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation.
I can construe the action of her familiar style;
45
and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the
40
waist two yards about, but I am now about no
waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make
love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She
discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation.
I can construe the action of her familiar style;
45
and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
PISTOL , aside to NYM
He hath studied her will and
translated her will—out of honesty into English.
PISTOL , aside to NYM
He hath studied her will and
translated her will—out of honesty into English.
NYM , aside to PISTOL
The anchor is deep. Will that
50
humor pass?
NYM , aside to PISTOL
The anchor is deep. Will that
50
humor pass?
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of
her husband’s purse. He hath a legion of angels.
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of
her husband’s purse. He hath a legion of angels.
PISTOL , aside to NYM
As many devils entertain, and
“To her, boy,” say I.
PISTOL , aside to NYM
As many devils entertain, and
“To her, boy,” say I.
NYM , aside to PISTOL
55
The humor rises; it is good.
Humor me the angels.
NYM , aside to PISTOL
55
The humor rises; it is good.
Humor me the angels.
FALSTAFF , showing two papers
I have writ me here a
letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who
even now gave me good eyes too, examined my
60
parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes
the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes
my portly belly.
FALSTAFF , showing two papers
I have writ me here a
letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who
even now gave me good eyes too, examined my
60
parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes
the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes
my portly belly.
PISTOL , aside to NYM
Then did the sun on dunghill
shine.
PISTOL , aside to NYM
Then did the sun on dunghill
shine.
NYM , aside to PISTOL
65
I thank thee for that humor.
NYM , aside to PISTOL
65
I thank thee for that humor.
FALSTAFF
O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention that the appetite of her
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass.
Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse
70
too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty.
I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page—and thou this to Mistress
75
Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
FALSTAFF
O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention that the appetite of her
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass.
Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse
70
too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty.
I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page—and thou this to Mistress
75
Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
NYM , to FALSTAFF
I will run no base humor. Here, take
the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of
80
reputation.
NYM , to FALSTAFF
I will run no base humor. Here, take
the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of
80
reputation.
FALSTAFF , giving papers to ROBIN
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.—
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go,
Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!
85
Falstaff will learn the humor of the age:
French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
 
FALSTAFF , giving papers to ROBIN
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.—
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go,
Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!
85
Falstaff will learn the humor of the age:
French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
 
FALSTAFF and ROBIN exit.
FALSTAFF and ROBIN exit.
PISTOL
Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam
holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
90
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
PISTOL
Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam
holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
90
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM
I have operations which be humors of revenge.
NYM
I have operations which be humors of revenge.
PISTOL
Wilt thou revenge?
PISTOL
Wilt thou revenge?
NYM
By welkin and her star!
NYM
By welkin and her star!
PISTOL
95
With wit or steel?
PISTOL
95
With wit or steel?
NYM
With both the humors, I. I will discuss the
humor of this love to Ford.
NYM
With both the humors, I. I will discuss the
humor of this love to Ford.
PISTOL
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
100
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
PISTOL
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
100
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
NYM
My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to
deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,
for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is
105
my true humor.
NYM
My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to
deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,
for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is
105
my true humor.
PISTOL
Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second
thee. Troop on.
PISTOL
Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second
thee. Troop on.
They exit.
They exit.

Original Text

Modern Text
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN, FALSTAFF’s Page.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN, FALSTAFF’s Page.
FALSTAFF
Mine Host of the Garter!
FALSTAFF
Mine Host of the Garter!
HOST
What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
HOST
What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of
5
my followers.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of
5
my followers.
HOST
Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag;
trot, trot.
HOST
Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag;
trot, trot.
FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.
FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.
HOST
Thou ’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and
10
Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw,
he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
HOST
Thou ’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and
10
Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw,
he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine Host.
FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine Host.
HOST
I have spoke. Let him follow.—Let me see thee
froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow.
HOST
I have spoke. Let him follow.—Let me see thee
froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow.
HOST exits.
HOST exits.
FALSTAFF
15
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good
trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered
servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.
FALSTAFF
15
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good
trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered
servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot
20
wield?
PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot
20
wield?
BARDOLPH exits.
BARDOLPH exits.
NYM
He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor
conceited?
NYM
He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor
conceited?
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox.
His thefts were too open. His filching was like an
25
unskillful singer; he kept not time.
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox.
His thefts were too open. His filching was like an
25
unskillful singer; he kept not time.
NYM
The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.
NYM
The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.
PISTOL
“Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal”? Foh, a fico
for the phrase!
PISTOL
“Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal”? Foh, a fico
for the phrase!
FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
PISTOL
30
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
PISTOL
30
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I
must shift.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I
must shift.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL
35
I ken the wight. He is of substance good.
PISTOL
35
I ken the wight. He is of substance good.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am
about.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am
about.
PISTOL
Two yards and more.
PISTOL
Two yards and more.
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the
40
waist two yards about, but I am now about no
waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make
love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She
discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation.
I can construe the action of her familiar style;
45
and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the
40
waist two yards about, but I am now about no
waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make
love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She
discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation.
I can construe the action of her familiar style;
45
and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
PISTOL , aside to NYM
He hath studied her will and
translated her will—out of honesty into English.
PISTOL , aside to NYM
He hath studied her will and
translated her will—out of honesty into English.
NYM , aside to PISTOL
The anchor is deep. Will that
50
humor pass?
NYM , aside to PISTOL
The anchor is deep. Will that
50
humor pass?
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of
her husband’s purse. He hath a legion of angels.
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of
her husband’s purse. He hath a legion of angels.
PISTOL , aside to NYM
As many devils entertain, and
“To her, boy,” say I.
PISTOL , aside to NYM
As many devils entertain, and
“To her, boy,” say I.
NYM , aside to PISTOL
55
The humor rises; it is good.
Humor me the angels.
NYM , aside to PISTOL
55
The humor rises; it is good.
Humor me the angels.
FALSTAFF , showing two papers
I have writ me here a
letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who
even now gave me good eyes too, examined my
60
parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes
the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes
my portly belly.
FALSTAFF , showing two papers
I have writ me here a
letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who
even now gave me good eyes too, examined my
60
parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes
the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes
my portly belly.
PISTOL , aside to NYM
Then did the sun on dunghill
shine.
PISTOL , aside to NYM
Then did the sun on dunghill
shine.
NYM , aside to PISTOL
65
I thank thee for that humor.
NYM , aside to PISTOL
65
I thank thee for that humor.
FALSTAFF
O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention that the appetite of her
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass.
Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse
70
too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty.
I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page—and thou this to Mistress
75
Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
FALSTAFF
O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention that the appetite of her
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass.
Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse
70
too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty.
I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page—and thou this to Mistress
75
Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
NYM , to FALSTAFF
I will run no base humor. Here, take
the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of
80
reputation.
NYM , to FALSTAFF
I will run no base humor. Here, take
the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of
80
reputation.
FALSTAFF , giving papers to ROBIN
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.—
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go,
Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!
85
Falstaff will learn the humor of the age:
French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
 
FALSTAFF , giving papers to ROBIN
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.—
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go,
Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!
85
Falstaff will learn the humor of the age:
French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
 
FALSTAFF and ROBIN exit.
FALSTAFF and ROBIN exit.
PISTOL
Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam
holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
90
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
PISTOL
Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam
holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
90
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM
I have operations which be humors of revenge.
NYM
I have operations which be humors of revenge.
PISTOL
Wilt thou revenge?
PISTOL
Wilt thou revenge?
NYM
By welkin and her star!
NYM
By welkin and her star!
PISTOL
95
With wit or steel?
PISTOL
95
With wit or steel?
NYM
With both the humors, I. I will discuss the
humor of this love to Ford.
NYM
With both the humors, I. I will discuss the
humor of this love to Ford.
PISTOL
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
100
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
PISTOL
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
100
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
NYM
My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to
deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,
for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is
105
my true humor.
NYM
My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to
deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,
for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is
105
my true humor.
PISTOL
Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second
thee. Troop on.
PISTOL
Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second
thee. Troop on.
They exit.
They exit.
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