No Fear Shakespeare: The Merry Wives of Windsor: Act 1 Scene 3

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The Merry Wives of Windsor

William Shakespeare

Original Text

Modern Text

Original Text

Modern Text

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Original Text	Modern Text
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN, FALSTAFF’s Page.	Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN, FALSTAFF’s Page.
FALSTAFF Mine Host of the Garter!	FALSTAFF Mine Host of the Garter!
HOST What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and wisely.	HOST What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
FALSTAFF Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of 5 my followers.	FALSTAFF Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of 5 my followers.
HOST Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag; trot, trot.	HOST Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag; trot, trot.
FALSTAFF I sit at ten pounds a week.	FALSTAFF I sit at ten pounds a week.
HOST Thou ’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and 10 Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw, he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?	HOST Thou ’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and 10 Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw, he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF Do so, good mine Host.	FALSTAFF Do so, good mine Host.
HOST I have spoke. Let him follow.—Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow.	HOST I have spoke. Let him follow.—Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow.
HOST exits.	HOST exits.
FALSTAFF 15 Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.	FALSTAFF 15 Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.
BARDOLPH It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.	BARDOLPH It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
PISTOL O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot 20 wield?	PISTOL O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot 20 wield?
BARDOLPH exits.	BARDOLPH exits.
NYM He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor conceited?	NYM He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor conceited?
FALSTAFF I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. His thefts were too open. His filching was like an 25 unskillful singer; he kept not time.	FALSTAFF I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. His thefts were too open. His filching was like an 25 unskillful singer; he kept not time.
NYM The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.	NYM The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.
PISTOL “Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal”? Foh, a fico for the phrase!	PISTOL “Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal”? Foh, a fico for the phrase!
FALSTAFF Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.	FALSTAFF Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
PISTOL 30 Why, then, let kibes ensue.	PISTOL 30 Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I must shift.	FALSTAFF There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I must shift.
PISTOL Young ravens must have food.	PISTOL Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF Which of you know Ford of this town?	FALSTAFF Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL 35 I ken the wight. He is of substance good.	PISTOL 35 I ken the wight. He is of substance good.
FALSTAFF My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.	FALSTAFF My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
PISTOL Two yards and more.	PISTOL Two yards and more.
FALSTAFF No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the 40 waist two yards about, but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation. I can construe the action of her familiar style; 45 and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”	FALSTAFF No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the 40 waist two yards about, but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation. I can construe the action of her familiar style; 45 and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
PISTOL , aside to NYM He hath studied her will and translated her will—out of honesty into English.	PISTOL , aside to NYM He hath studied her will and translated her will—out of honesty into English.
NYM , aside to PISTOL The anchor is deep. Will that 50 humor pass?	NYM , aside to PISTOL The anchor is deep. Will that 50 humor pass?
FALSTAFF Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of her husband’s purse. He hath a legion of angels.	FALSTAFF Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of her husband’s purse. He hath a legion of angels.
PISTOL , aside to NYM As many devils entertain, and “To her, boy,” say I.	PISTOL , aside to NYM As many devils entertain, and “To her, boy,” say I.
NYM , aside to PISTOL 55 The humor rises; it is good. Humor me the angels.	NYM , aside to PISTOL 55 The humor rises; it is good. Humor me the angels.
FALSTAFF , showing two papers I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my 60 parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.	FALSTAFF , showing two papers I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my 60 parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
PISTOL , aside to NYM Then did the sun on dunghill shine.	PISTOL , aside to NYM Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
NYM , aside to PISTOL 65 I thank thee for that humor.	NYM , aside to PISTOL 65 I thank thee for that humor.
FALSTAFF O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse 70 too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page—and thou this to Mistress 75 Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.	FALSTAFF O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse 70 too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page—and thou this to Mistress 75 Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!	PISTOL Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
NYM , to FALSTAFF I will run no base humor. Here, take the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of 80 reputation.	NYM , to FALSTAFF I will run no base humor. Here, take the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of 80 reputation.
FALSTAFF , giving papers to ROBIN Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly; Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.— Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go, Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack! 85 Falstaff will learn the humor of the age: French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.	FALSTAFF , giving papers to ROBIN Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly; Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.— Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go, Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack! 85 Falstaff will learn the humor of the age: French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
FALSTAFF and ROBIN exit.	FALSTAFF and ROBIN exit.
PISTOL Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam holds, And high and low beguiles the rich and poor. 90 Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk!	PISTOL Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam holds, And high and low beguiles the rich and poor. 90 Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM I have operations which be humors of revenge.	NYM I have operations which be humors of revenge.
PISTOL Wilt thou revenge?	PISTOL Wilt thou revenge?
NYM By welkin and her star!	NYM By welkin and her star!
PISTOL 95 With wit or steel?	PISTOL 95 With wit or steel?
NYM With both the humors, I. I will discuss the humor of this love to Ford.	NYM With both the humors, I. I will discuss the humor of this love to Ford.
PISTOL And I to Page shall eke unfold How Falstaff, varlet vile, 100 His dove will prove, his gold will hold, And his soft couch defile.	PISTOL And I to Page shall eke unfold How Falstaff, varlet vile, 100 His dove will prove, his gold will hold, And his soft couch defile.
NYM My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is 105 my true humor.	NYM My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is 105 my true humor.
PISTOL Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second thee. Troop on.	PISTOL Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second thee. Troop on.
They exit.	They exit.