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Original Text

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Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, I say!
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, I say!
Enter BARDOLPH.
Enter BARDOLPH.
BARDOLPH
Here, sir.
BARDOLPH
Here, sir.
FALSTAFF
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in ’t.
BARDOLPH exits.
Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow
5
of butcher’s offal, and to be thrown in the Thames?
Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have my
brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a
dog for a New Year’s gift. ’Sblood, the rogues
slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
10
they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies,
fifteen i’ th’ litter! And you may know by my size
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom
were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and
15
shallow—a death that I abhor, for the water swells
a man, and what a thing should I have been when
I had been swelled! By the Lord, I should have
been a mountain of mummy.
FALSTAFF
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in ’t.
BARDOLPH exits.
Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow
of butcher’s offal, and to be thrown in the Thames?
Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have my
brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a
dog for a New Year’s gift. ’Sblood, the rogues
slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies,
fifteen i’ th’ litter! And you may know by my size
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom
were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and
shallow—a death that I abhor, for the water swells
a man, and what a thing should I have been when
I had been swelled! By the Lord, I should have
been a mountain of mummy.
Enter BARDOLPH with cups of sack.
Enter BARDOLPH with cups of sack.
BARDOLPH
Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with
20
you.
BARDOLPH
Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with
you.
FALSTAFF
Come, let me pour in some sack to the
Thames water, for my belly’s as cold as if I had
swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. He
drinks. Call her in.
FALSTAFF
Come, let me pour in some sack to the
Thames water, for my belly’s as cold as if I had
swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. He
drinks. Call her in.
BARDOLPH
25
Come in, woman.
BARDOLPH
Come in, woman.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
By your leave, I cry you mercy. Give
your Worship good morrow.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
By your leave, I cry you mercy. Give
your Worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF , to BARDOLPH
Take away these chalices. Go
brew me a pottle of sack finely.
FALSTAFF , to BARDOLPH
Take away these chalices. Go
brew me a pottle of sack finely.
BARDOLPH
30
With eggs, sir?
BARDOLPH
With eggs, sir?
FALSTAFF
Simple of itself. I’ll no pullet sperm in my
Brewage. BARDOLPH exits.
How now?
FALSTAFF
Simple of itself. I’ll no pullet sperm in my
Brewage. BARDOLPH exits.
How now?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, sir, I come to your Worship
35
from Mistress Ford.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, sir, I come to your Worship
from Mistress Ford.
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford? I have had ford enough. I
was thrown into the ford, I have my belly full of
ford.
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford? I have had ford enough. I
was thrown into the ford, I have my belly full of
ford.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas the day, good heart, that was
40
not her fault. She does so take on with her men;
they mistook their erection.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas the day, good heart, that was
not her fault. She does so take on with her men;
they mistook their erection.
FALSTAFF
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish
woman’s promise.
FALSTAFF
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish
woman’s promise.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your
45
heart to see it. Her husband goes
this morning a-birding; she desires you once more
to come to her, between eight and nine. I must
carry her word quickly. She’ll make you amends, I
warrant you.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your
heart to see it. Her husband goes
this morning a-birding; she desires you once more
to come to her, between eight and nine. I must
carry her word quickly. She’ll make you amends, I
warrant you.
FALSTAFF
50
Well, I will visit her. Tell her so. And bid her
think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.
FALSTAFF
Well, I will visit her. Tell her so. And bid her
think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I will tell her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I will tell her.
FALSTAFF
Do so. Between nine and ten, say’st thou?
FALSTAFF
Do so. Between nine and ten, say’st thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
55
Eight and nine, sir.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Eight and nine, sir.
MISTRESS QUICKLY exits.
MISTRESS QUICKLY exits.
FALSTAFF
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook. He
sent me word to stay within. I like his money well.
Enter FORD disguised as BROOK.
60
O, here he comes.
FALSTAFF
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook. He
sent me word to stay within. I like his money well.
Enter FORD disguised as BROOK.
O, here he comes.
FORD , as BROOK
God bless you, sir.
FORD , as BROOK
God bless you, sir.
FALSTAFF
Now, Master Brook, you come to know
what hath passed between me and Ford’s wife.
FALSTAFF
Now, Master Brook, you come to know
what hath passed between me and Ford’s wife.
FORD , as BROOK
That indeed, Sir John, is my
65
business.
FORD , as BROOK
That indeed, Sir John, is my
business.
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will not lie to you. I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will not lie to you. I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.
FORD , as BROOK
And sped you, sir?
FORD , as BROOK
And sped you, sir?
FALSTAFF
Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.
FALSTAFF
Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.
FORD , as BROOK
70
How so, sir? Did she change her
determination?
FORD , as BROOK
How so, sir? Did she change her
determination?
FALSTAFF
No, Master Brook, but the peaking cornuto
her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual
’larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of
75
our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed,
protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of
our comedy, and, at his heels, a rabble of his companions,
thither provoked and instigated by his
distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for
80
his wife’s love.
FALSTAFF
No, Master Brook, but the peaking cornuto
her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual
’larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of
our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed,
protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of
our comedy, and, at his heels, a rabble of his companions,
thither provoked and instigated by his
distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for
his wife’s love.
FORD , as BROOK
What, while you were there?
FORD , as BROOK
What, while you were there?
FALSTAFF
While I was there.
FALSTAFF
While I was there.
FORD , as BROOK
And did he search for you and could
not find you?
FORD , as BROOK
And did he search for you and could
not find you?
FALSTAFF
85
You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of
Ford’s approach, and, in her invention and Ford’s
wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a
buck-basket.
FALSTAFF
You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of
Ford’s approach, and, in her invention and Ford’s
wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a
buck-basket.
FORD , as BROOK
90
A buck-basket!
FORD , as BROOK
A buck-basket!
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, a buck-basket! Rammed me
in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings,
greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there
was the rankest compound of villainous smell that
95
ever offended nostril.
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, a buck-basket! Rammed me
in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings,
greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there
was the rankest compound of villainous smell that
ever offended nostril.
FORD , as BROOK
And how long lay you there?
FORD , as BROOK
And how long lay you there?
FALSTAFF
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I
have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your
good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple
100
of Ford’s knaves, his hinds, were called forth by        100
their mistress to carry me in the name of foul
clothes to Datchet Lane. They took me on their
shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in
the door, who asked them once or twice what they
105
had in their basket. I quaked for fear lest the lunatic
knave would have searched it, but fate, ordaining
he should be a cuckold, held his hand.
Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for
foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook.
110
I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first,
an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous
rotten bellwether; next, to be compassed, like a
good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to
point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like
115
a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted
in their own grease. Think of that, a man of my
kidney—think of that—that am as subject to heat
as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw.
It was a miracle to ’scape suffocation. And in
120
the height of this bath, when I was more than half-stewed
in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown
into the Thames and cooled, glowing hot, in that
surge, like a horseshoe! Think of that—hissing
hot—think of that, Master Brook.
FALSTAFF
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I
have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your
good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple
of Ford’s knaves, his hinds, were called forth by        100
their mistress to carry me in the name of foul
clothes to Datchet Lane. They took me on their
shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in
the door, who asked them once or twice what they
had in their basket. I quaked for fear lest the lunatic
knave would have searched it, but fate, ordaining
he should be a cuckold, held his hand.
Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for
foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook.
I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first,
an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous
rotten bellwether; next, to be compassed, like a
good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to
point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like
a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted
in their own grease. Think of that, a man of my
kidney—think of that—that am as subject to heat
as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw.
It was a miracle to ’scape suffocation. And in
the height of this bath, when I was more than half-stewed
in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown
into the Thames and cooled, glowing hot, in that
surge, like a horseshoe! Think of that—hissing
hot—think of that, Master Brook.
FORD , as BROOK
125
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that
for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit,
then, is desperate. You’ll undertake her no more?
FORD , as BROOK
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that
for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit,
then, is desperate. You’ll undertake her no more?
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna,
as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her
130
thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding.
I have received from her another embassy of meeting.
’Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master
Brook.
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna,
as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her
thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding.
I have received from her another embassy of meeting.
’Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master
Brook.
FORD , as BROOK
’Tis past eight already, sir.
FORD , as BROOK
’Tis past eight already, sir.
FALSTAFF
135
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure,
and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion
shall be crowned with your enjoying her.
Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook. Master
140
Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. FALSTAFF exits.  
FALSTAFF
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure,
and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion
shall be crowned with your enjoying her.
Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook. Master
Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. FALSTAFF exits.  
FORD
Hum! Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I
sleep? Master Ford, awake! Awake, Master Ford!
There’s a hole made in your best coat, Master
Ford. This ’tis to be married; this ’tis to have linen
145
and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself
what I am. I will now take the lecher. He is at my
house. He cannot ’scape me. ’Tis impossible he
should. He cannot creep into a half-penny purse,
nor into a pepper-box. But lest the devil that
150
guides him should aid him, I will search impossible
places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to
be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I
have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go
with me: I’ll be horn-mad.
FORD
Hum! Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I
sleep? Master Ford, awake! Awake, Master Ford!
There’s a hole made in your best coat, Master
Ford. This ’tis to be married; this ’tis to have linen
and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself
what I am. I will now take the lecher. He is at my
house. He cannot ’scape me. ’Tis impossible he
should. He cannot creep into a half-penny purse,
nor into a pepper-box. But lest the devil that
guides him should aid him, I will search impossible
places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to
be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I
have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go
with me: I’ll be horn-mad.
He exits.
He exits.

Original Text

Modern Text
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, I say!
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, I say!
Enter BARDOLPH.
Enter BARDOLPH.
BARDOLPH
Here, sir.
BARDOLPH
Here, sir.
FALSTAFF
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in ’t.
BARDOLPH exits.
Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow
5
of butcher’s offal, and to be thrown in the Thames?
Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have my
brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a
dog for a New Year’s gift. ’Sblood, the rogues
slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
10
they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies,
fifteen i’ th’ litter! And you may know by my size
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom
were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and
15
shallow—a death that I abhor, for the water swells
a man, and what a thing should I have been when
I had been swelled! By the Lord, I should have
been a mountain of mummy.
FALSTAFF
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in ’t.
BARDOLPH exits.
Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow
of butcher’s offal, and to be thrown in the Thames?
Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have my
brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a
dog for a New Year’s gift. ’Sblood, the rogues
slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies,
fifteen i’ th’ litter! And you may know by my size
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom
were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and
shallow—a death that I abhor, for the water swells
a man, and what a thing should I have been when
I had been swelled! By the Lord, I should have
been a mountain of mummy.
Enter BARDOLPH with cups of sack.
Enter BARDOLPH with cups of sack.
BARDOLPH
Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with
20
you.
BARDOLPH
Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with
you.
FALSTAFF
Come, let me pour in some sack to the
Thames water, for my belly’s as cold as if I had
swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. He
drinks. Call her in.
FALSTAFF
Come, let me pour in some sack to the
Thames water, for my belly’s as cold as if I had
swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. He
drinks. Call her in.
BARDOLPH
25
Come in, woman.
BARDOLPH
Come in, woman.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
By your leave, I cry you mercy. Give
your Worship good morrow.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
By your leave, I cry you mercy. Give
your Worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF , to BARDOLPH
Take away these chalices. Go
brew me a pottle of sack finely.
FALSTAFF , to BARDOLPH
Take away these chalices. Go
brew me a pottle of sack finely.
BARDOLPH
30
With eggs, sir?
BARDOLPH
With eggs, sir?
FALSTAFF
Simple of itself. I’ll no pullet sperm in my
Brewage. BARDOLPH exits.
How now?
FALSTAFF
Simple of itself. I’ll no pullet sperm in my
Brewage. BARDOLPH exits.
How now?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, sir, I come to your Worship
35
from Mistress Ford.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, sir, I come to your Worship
from Mistress Ford.
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford? I have had ford enough. I
was thrown into the ford, I have my belly full of
ford.
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford? I have had ford enough. I
was thrown into the ford, I have my belly full of
ford.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas the day, good heart, that was
40
not her fault. She does so take on with her men;
they mistook their erection.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas the day, good heart, that was
not her fault. She does so take on with her men;
they mistook their erection.
FALSTAFF
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish
woman’s promise.
FALSTAFF
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish
woman’s promise.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your
45
heart to see it. Her husband goes
this morning a-birding; she desires you once more
to come to her, between eight and nine. I must
carry her word quickly. She’ll make you amends, I
warrant you.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your
heart to see it. Her husband goes
this morning a-birding; she desires you once more
to come to her, between eight and nine. I must
carry her word quickly. She’ll make you amends, I
warrant you.
FALSTAFF
50
Well, I will visit her. Tell her so. And bid her
think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.
FALSTAFF
Well, I will visit her. Tell her so. And bid her
think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I will tell her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I will tell her.
FALSTAFF
Do so. Between nine and ten, say’st thou?
FALSTAFF
Do so. Between nine and ten, say’st thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
55
Eight and nine, sir.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Eight and nine, sir.
MISTRESS QUICKLY exits.
MISTRESS QUICKLY exits.
FALSTAFF
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook. He
sent me word to stay within. I like his money well.
Enter FORD disguised as BROOK.
60
O, here he comes.
FALSTAFF
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook. He
sent me word to stay within. I like his money well.
Enter FORD disguised as BROOK.
O, here he comes.
FORD , as BROOK
God bless you, sir.
FORD , as BROOK
God bless you, sir.
FALSTAFF
Now, Master Brook, you come to know
what hath passed between me and Ford’s wife.
FALSTAFF
Now, Master Brook, you come to know
what hath passed between me and Ford’s wife.
FORD , as BROOK
That indeed, Sir John, is my
65
business.
FORD , as BROOK
That indeed, Sir John, is my
business.
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will not lie to you. I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will not lie to you. I was at
her house the hour she appointed me.
FORD , as BROOK
And sped you, sir?
FORD , as BROOK
And sped you, sir?
FALSTAFF
Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.
FALSTAFF
Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.
FORD , as BROOK
70
How so, sir? Did she change her
determination?
FORD , as BROOK
How so, sir? Did she change her
determination?
FALSTAFF
No, Master Brook, but the peaking cornuto
her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual
’larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of
75
our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed,
protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of
our comedy, and, at his heels, a rabble of his companions,
thither provoked and instigated by his
distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for
80
his wife’s love.
FALSTAFF
No, Master Brook, but the peaking cornuto
her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual
’larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of
our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed,
protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of
our comedy, and, at his heels, a rabble of his companions,
thither provoked and instigated by his
distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for
his wife’s love.
FORD , as BROOK
What, while you were there?
FORD , as BROOK
What, while you were there?
FALSTAFF
While I was there.
FALSTAFF
While I was there.
FORD , as BROOK
And did he search for you and could
not find you?
FORD , as BROOK
And did he search for you and could
not find you?
FALSTAFF
85
You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of
Ford’s approach, and, in her invention and Ford’s
wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a
buck-basket.
FALSTAFF
You shall hear. As good luck would have it,
comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of
Ford’s approach, and, in her invention and Ford’s
wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a
buck-basket.
FORD , as BROOK
90
A buck-basket!
FORD , as BROOK
A buck-basket!
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, a buck-basket! Rammed me
in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings,
greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there
was the rankest compound of villainous smell that
95
ever offended nostril.
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, a buck-basket! Rammed me
in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings,
greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there
was the rankest compound of villainous smell that
ever offended nostril.
FORD , as BROOK
And how long lay you there?
FORD , as BROOK
And how long lay you there?
FALSTAFF
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I
have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your
good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple
100
of Ford’s knaves, his hinds, were called forth by        100
their mistress to carry me in the name of foul
clothes to Datchet Lane. They took me on their
shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in
the door, who asked them once or twice what they
105
had in their basket. I quaked for fear lest the lunatic
knave would have searched it, but fate, ordaining
he should be a cuckold, held his hand.
Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for
foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook.
110
I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first,
an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous
rotten bellwether; next, to be compassed, like a
good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to
point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like
115
a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted
in their own grease. Think of that, a man of my
kidney—think of that—that am as subject to heat
as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw.
It was a miracle to ’scape suffocation. And in
120
the height of this bath, when I was more than half-stewed
in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown
into the Thames and cooled, glowing hot, in that
surge, like a horseshoe! Think of that—hissing
hot—think of that, Master Brook.
FALSTAFF
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I
have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your
good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple
of Ford’s knaves, his hinds, were called forth by        100
their mistress to carry me in the name of foul
clothes to Datchet Lane. They took me on their
shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in
the door, who asked them once or twice what they
had in their basket. I quaked for fear lest the lunatic
knave would have searched it, but fate, ordaining
he should be a cuckold, held his hand.
Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for
foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook.
I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first,
an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous
rotten bellwether; next, to be compassed, like a
good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to
point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like
a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted
in their own grease. Think of that, a man of my
kidney—think of that—that am as subject to heat
as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw.
It was a miracle to ’scape suffocation. And in
the height of this bath, when I was more than half-stewed
in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown
into the Thames and cooled, glowing hot, in that
surge, like a horseshoe! Think of that—hissing
hot—think of that, Master Brook.
FORD , as BROOK
125
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that
for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit,
then, is desperate. You’ll undertake her no more?
FORD , as BROOK
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that
for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit,
then, is desperate. You’ll undertake her no more?
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna,
as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her
130
thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding.
I have received from her another embassy of meeting.
’Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master
Brook.
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna,
as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her
thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding.
I have received from her another embassy of meeting.
’Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master
Brook.
FORD , as BROOK
’Tis past eight already, sir.
FORD , as BROOK
’Tis past eight already, sir.
FALSTAFF
135
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure,
and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion
shall be crowned with your enjoying her.
Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook. Master
140
Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. FALSTAFF exits.  
FALSTAFF
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure,
and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion
shall be crowned with your enjoying her.
Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook. Master
Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. FALSTAFF exits.  
FORD
Hum! Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I
sleep? Master Ford, awake! Awake, Master Ford!
There’s a hole made in your best coat, Master
Ford. This ’tis to be married; this ’tis to have linen
145
and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself
what I am. I will now take the lecher. He is at my
house. He cannot ’scape me. ’Tis impossible he
should. He cannot creep into a half-penny purse,
nor into a pepper-box. But lest the devil that
150
guides him should aid him, I will search impossible
places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to
be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I
have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go
with me: I’ll be horn-mad.
FORD
Hum! Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I
sleep? Master Ford, awake! Awake, Master Ford!
There’s a hole made in your best coat, Master
Ford. This ’tis to be married; this ’tis to have linen
and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself
what I am. I will now take the lecher. He is at my
house. He cannot ’scape me. ’Tis impossible he
should. He cannot creep into a half-penny purse,
nor into a pepper-box. But lest the devil that
guides him should aid him, I will search impossible
places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to
be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I
have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go
with me: I’ll be horn-mad.
He exits.
He exits.
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