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Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD.
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up
my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your
love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth, not
only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love,
5
but in all the accoutrement, compliment, and ceremony
of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up
my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your
love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth, not
only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love,
5
but in all the accoutrement, compliment, and ceremony
of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
MISTRESS FORD
He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE , within
What ho, gossip Ford! What
ho!
MISTRESS PAGE , within
What ho, gossip Ford! What
ho!
MISTRESS FORD
10
Step into th’ chamber, Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
10
Step into th’ chamber, Sir John.
FALSTAFF exits.
FALSTAFF exits.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE.
MISTRESS PAGE
How now, sweetheart, who’s at home
besides yourself?
MISTRESS PAGE
How now, sweetheart, who’s at home
besides yourself?
MISTRESS FORD
Why, none but mine own people.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, none but mine own people.
MISTRESS PAG E
Indeed?
MISTRESS PAG E
Indeed?
MISTRESS FORD
15
No, certainly. Aside to her. Speak
louder.
MISTRESS FORD
15
No, certainly. Aside to her. Speak
louder.
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody
here.
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody
here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why?
MISTRESS FORD
Why?
MISTRESS PAGE
20
Why, woman, your husband is in his
old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my
husband, so rails against all married mankind, so
curses all Eve’s daughters of what complexion soever,
and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying
25
“Peer out, peer out!” that any madness I ever yet
beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience
to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat
knight is not here.
MISTRESS PAGE
20
Why, woman, your husband is in his
old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my
husband, so rails against all married mankind, so
curses all Eve’s daughters of what complexion soever,
and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying
25
“Peer out, peer out!” that any madness I ever yet
beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience
to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat
knight is not here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, does he talk of him?
MISTRESS FORD
Why, does he talk of him?
MISTRESS PAGE
30
Of none but him, and swears he was
carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a
basket; protests to my husband he is now here;
and hath drawn him and the rest of their company
from their sport to make another experiment of
35
his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here.
Now he shall see his own foolery.
MISTRESS PAGE
30
Of none but him, and swears he was
carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a
basket; protests to my husband he is now here;
and hath drawn him and the rest of their company
from their sport to make another experiment of
35
his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here.
Now he shall see his own foolery.
MISTRESS FORD
How near is he, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS FORD
How near is he, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
Hard by, at street end. He will be here
anon.
MISTRESS PAGE
Hard by, at street end. He will be here
anon.
MISTRESS FORD
40
I am undone! The knight is here.
MISTRESS FORD
40
I am undone! The knight is here.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why then, you are utterly shamed, and
he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away
with him, away with him! Better shame than
murder.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why then, you are utterly shamed, and
he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away
with him, away with him! Better shame than
murder.
MISTRESS FORD
45
Which way should he go? How should
I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket
again?
MISTRESS FORD
45
Which way should he go? How should
I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket
again?
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
FALSTAFF
No, I’ll come no more i’ th’ basket. May I not
go out ere he come?
FALSTAFF
No, I’ll come no more i’ th’ basket. May I not
go out ere he come?
MISTRESS PAGE
50
Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers
watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue
out. Otherwise you might slip away ere he came.
But what make you here?
MISTRESS PAGE
50
Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers
watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue
out. Otherwise you might slip away ere he came.
But what make you here?
FALSTAFF
What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the
55
chimney.
FALSTAFF
What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the
55
chimney.
MISTRESS FORD
There they always use to discharge
their birding pieces.
MISTRESS FORD
There they always use to discharge
their birding pieces.
MISTRESS PAGE
Creep into the kiln-hole.
MISTRESS PAGE
Creep into the kiln-hole.
FALSTAFF
Where is it?
FALSTAFF
Where is it?
MISTRESS FORD
60
He will seek there, on my word. Neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he
hath an abstract for the remembrance of such
places, and goes to them by his note. There is no
hiding you in the house.
MISTRESS FORD
60
He will seek there, on my word. Neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he
hath an abstract for the remembrance of such
places, and goes to them by his note. There is no
hiding you in the house.
FALSTAFF
65
I’ll go out, then.
FALSTAFF
65
I’ll go out, then.
MISTRESS PAGE
If you go out in your own semblance,
you die, Sir John—unless you go out disguised.
MISTRESS PAGE
If you go out in your own semblance,
you die, Sir John—unless you go out disguised.
MISTRESS FORD
How might we disguise him?
MISTRESS FORD
How might we disguise him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas the day, I know not. There is no
70
woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he
might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and
so escape.
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas the day, I know not. There is no
70
woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he
might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and
so escape.
FALSTAFF
Good hearts, devise something. Any extremity
rather than a mischief.
FALSTAFF
Good hearts, devise something. Any extremity
rather than a mischief.
MISTRESS FORD
75
My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of
Brentford, has a gown above.
MISTRESS FORD
75
My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of
Brentford, has a gown above.
MISTRESS PAGE
On my word, it will serve him. She’s as
big as he is. And there’s her thrummed hat and her
muffler too.—Run up, Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE
On my word, it will serve him. She’s as
big as he is. And there’s her thrummed hat and her
muffler too.—Run up, Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
80
Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page
and I will look some linen for your head.
MISTRESS FORD
80
Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page
and I will look some linen for your head.
MISTRESS PAGE
Quick, quick! We’ll come dress you
straight. Put on the gown the while.
MISTRESS PAGE
Quick, quick! We’ll come dress you
straight. Put on the gown the while.
FALSTAFF exits.
FALSTAFF exits.
MISTRESS FORD
I would my husband would meet him
85
in this shape. He cannot abide the old woman of
Brentford. He swears she’s a witch, forbade her my
house, and hath threatened to beat her.
MISTRESS FORD
I would my husband would meet him
85
in this shape. He cannot abide the old woman of
Brentford. He swears she’s a witch, forbade her my
house, and hath threatened to beat her.
MISTRESS PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband’s
cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
MISTRESS PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband’s
cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
MISTRESS FORD
90
But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS FORD
90
But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS PAGE
Ay, in good sadness is he, and talks of
the basket too, howsoever he hath had
intelligence.
MISTRESS PAGE
Ay, in good sadness is he, and talks of
the basket too, howsoever he hath had
intelligence.
MISTRESS FORD
We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men
95
to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door
with it as they did last time.
MISTRESS FORD
We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men
95
to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door
with it as they did last time.
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, but he’ll be here presently. Let’s go
dress him like the witch of Brentford.
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, but he’ll be here presently. Let’s go
dress him like the witch of Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
I’ll first direct my men what they shall
100
do with the basket. Go up. I’ll bring linen for him
straight. She exits.
MISTRESS FORD
I’ll first direct my men what they shall
100
do with the basket. Go up. I’ll bring linen for him
straight. She exits.
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest varlet! We cannot
misuse him enough.
We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
105
Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.” She exits.
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest varlet! We cannot
misuse him enough.
We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
105
Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.” She exits.
Enter MISTRESS FORD with ROBERT and JOHN, who bring the buck-basket.
Enter MISTRESS FORD with ROBERT and JOHN, who bring the buck-basket.
MISTRESS FORD
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders. Your master is hard at door. If he bid
110
you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch. She exits.
MISTRESS FORD
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders. Your master is hard at door. If he bid
110
you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch. She exits.
ROBERT
Come, come, take it up.
ROBERT
Come, come, take it up.
JOHN
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
JOHN
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
ROBERT
I hope not. I had lief as bear so much lead.
ROBERT
I hope not. I had lief as bear so much lead.
They pick up the basket.
They pick up the basket.
Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, SIR HUGH EVANS, and SHALLOW.
Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, SIR HUGH EVANS, and SHALLOW.
FORD
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you
115
any way then to unfool me again?—Set down the
basket, villain. They put the basket down. Somebody
call my wife. Youth in a basket! O, you panderly
rascals! There’s a knot, a gang, a pack, a
conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be
120
shamed.—What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
Behold what honest clothes you send forth to
bleaching!
FORD
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you
115
any way then to unfool me again?—Set down the
basket, villain. They put the basket down. Somebody
call my wife. Youth in a basket! O, you panderly
rascals! There’s a knot, a gang, a pack, a
conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be
120
shamed.—What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
Behold what honest clothes you send forth to
bleaching!
PAGE
Why, this passes, Master Ford! You are not to go
loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
PAGE
Why, this passes, Master Ford! You are not to go
loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
SIR HUGH
125
Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad
dog.
SIR HUGH
125
Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad
dog.
SHALLOW
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
SHALLOW
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
FORD
So say I too, sir.
Enter MISTRESS FORD.
Come hither, Mistress Ford.—Mistress Ford, the
130
honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature,
that hath the jealous fool to her husband!—I
suspect without cause, mistress, do I?
FORD
So say I too, sir.
Enter MISTRESS FORD.
Come hither, Mistress Ford.—Mistress Ford, the
130
honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature,
that hath the jealous fool to her husband!—I
suspect without cause, mistress, do I?
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven be my witness you do, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty.
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven be my witness you do, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty.
FORD
135
Well said, brazen-face. Hold it out.—Come
forth, sirrah. He pulls clothes out of the basket.
FORD
135
Well said, brazen-face. Hold it out.—Come
forth, sirrah. He pulls clothes out of the basket.
PAGE
This passes.
PAGE
This passes.
MISTRESS FORD
Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes
alone.
MISTRESS FORD
Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes
alone.
FORD
140
I shall find you anon.
FORD
140
I shall find you anon.
SIR HUGH
’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your
wife’s clothes? Come, away.
SIR HUGH
’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your
wife’s clothes? Come, away.
FORD , to the SERVANTS
Empty the basket, I say.
FORD , to the SERVANTS
Empty the basket, I say.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, man, why?
MISTRESS FORD
Why, man, why?
FORD
145
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house yesterday in this basket.
Why may not he be there again? In my house I am
sure he is. My intelligence is true, my jealousy is
reasonable.—Pluck me out all the linen.
FORD
145
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house yesterday in this basket.
Why may not he be there again? In my house I am
sure he is. My intelligence is true, my jealousy is
reasonable.—Pluck me out all the linen.
MISTRESS FORD
150
If you find a man there, he shall die a
flea’s death. ROBERT and JOHN empty the basket.
MISTRESS FORD
150
If you find a man there, he shall die a
flea’s death. ROBERT and JOHN empty the basket.
PAGE
Here’s no man.
PAGE
Here’s no man.
SHALLOW
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford.
This wrongs you.
SHALLOW
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford.
This wrongs you.
SIR HUGH
155
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart. This is
jealousies.
SIR HUGH
155
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart. This is
jealousies.
FORD
Well, he’s not here I seek for.
FORD
Well, he’s not here I seek for.
PAGE
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
PAGE
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
FORD
160
Help to search my house this one time. If I find
not what I seek, show no color for my extremity.
Let me forever be your table-sport. Let them say of
me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow
walnut for his wife’s leman.” Satisfy me once
165
more. Once more search with me.
FORD
160
Help to search my house this one time. If I find
not what I seek, show no color for my extremity.
Let me forever be your table-sport. Let them say of
me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow
walnut for his wife’s leman.” Satisfy me once
165
more. Once more search with me.
ROBERT and JOHN refill the basket and carry it off.
ROBERT and JOHN refill the basket and carry it off.
MISTRESS FORD , calling offstage
What ho, Mistress
Page! Come you and the old woman down. My
husband will come into the chamber.
MISTRESS FORD , calling offstage
What ho, Mistress
Page! Come you and the old woman down. My
husband will come into the chamber.
FORD
“Old woman”? What old woman’s that?
FORD
“Old woman”? What old woman’s that?
MISTRESS FORD
170
Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
170
Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford.
FORD
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have
I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands,
does she? We are simple men; we do not know
what’s brought to pass under the profession of
175
fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by
th’ figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our
element. We know nothing.— Come down, you
witch, you hag, you! Come down, I say!
FORD
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have
I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands,
does she? We are simple men; we do not know
what’s brought to pass under the profession of
175
fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by
th’ figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our
element. We know nothing.— Come down, you
witch, you hag, you! Come down, I say!
FORD seizes a cudgel.
FORD seizes a cudgel.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, good sweet husband!—Good gentlemen,
180
let him not strike the old woman.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, good sweet husband!—Good gentlemen,
180
let him not strike the old woman.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE and SIR JOHN FALSTAFF disguised as an old woman.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE and SIR JOHN FALSTAFF disguised as an old woman.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, Mother Pratt; come, give me
your hand.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, Mother Pratt; come, give me
your hand.
FORD
I’ll pratt her. (He beats FALSTAFF.) Out of my
door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat,
185
you runnion! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll
fortune-tell you! FALSTAFF exits.
FORD
I’ll pratt her. (He beats FALSTAFF.) Out of my
door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat,
185
you runnion! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll
fortune-tell you! FALSTAFF exits.
MISTRESS PAGE
Are you not ashamed? I think you have
killed the poor woman.
MISTRESS PAGE
Are you not ashamed? I think you have
killed the poor woman.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, he will do it.—’Tis a goodly credit
190
for you.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, he will do it.—’Tis a goodly credit
190
for you.
FORD
Hang her, witch!
FORD
Hang her, witch!
SIR HUGH
By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch
indeed. I like not when a ’oman has a great peard.
I spy a great peard under her muffler.
SIR HUGH
By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch
indeed. I like not when a ’oman has a great peard.
I spy a great peard under her muffler.
FORD
195
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow.
See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out
thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open
again.
FORD
195
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow.
See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out
thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open
again.
PAGE
Let’s obey his humor a little further. Come,
200
gentlemen.
PAGE
Let’s obey his humor a little further. Come,
200
gentlemen.
FORD , PAGE, CAIUS, SIR HUGH, and SHALLOW exit.
FORD , PAGE, CAIUS, SIR HUGH, and SHALLOW exit.
MISTRESS PAGE
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
MISTRESS PAGE
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, by th’ Mass, that he did not; he
beat him most unpitifully, methought.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, by th’ Mass, that he did not; he
beat him most unpitifully, methought.
MISTRESS PAGE
I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung
205
o’er the altar. It hath done meritorious service.
MISTRESS PAGE
I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung
205
o’er the altar. It hath done meritorious service.
MISTRESS FORD
What think you? May we, with the
warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good
conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
MISTRESS FORD
What think you? May we, with the
warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good
conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
MISTRESS PAGE
The spirit of wantonness is, sure,
210
scared out of him. If the devil have him not in fee
simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I
think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.
MISTRESS PAGE
The spirit of wantonness is, sure,
210
scared out of him. If the devil have him not in fee
simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I
think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we tell our husbands how we
have served him?
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we tell our husbands how we
have served him?
MISTRESS PAGE
215
Yes, by all means—if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they
can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat
knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will
still be the ministers.
MISTRESS PAGE
215
Yes, by all means—if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they
can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat
knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will
still be the ministers.
MISTRESS FORD
220
I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly
shamed, and methinks there would be no period to
the jest should he not be publicly shamed.
MISTRESS FORD
220
I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly
shamed, and methinks there would be no period to
the jest should he not be publicly shamed.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, to the forge with it, then shape
it. I would not have things cool.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, to the forge with it, then shape
it. I would not have things cool.
They exit.
They exit.

Original Text

Modern Text
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD.
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up
my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your
love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth, not
only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love,
5
but in all the accoutrement, compliment, and ceremony
of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up
my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your
love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth, not
only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love,
5
but in all the accoutrement, compliment, and ceremony
of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
MISTRESS FORD
He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE , within
What ho, gossip Ford! What
ho!
MISTRESS PAGE , within
What ho, gossip Ford! What
ho!
MISTRESS FORD
10
Step into th’ chamber, Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
10
Step into th’ chamber, Sir John.
FALSTAFF exits.
FALSTAFF exits.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE.
MISTRESS PAGE
How now, sweetheart, who’s at home
besides yourself?
MISTRESS PAGE
How now, sweetheart, who’s at home
besides yourself?
MISTRESS FORD
Why, none but mine own people.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, none but mine own people.
MISTRESS PAG E
Indeed?
MISTRESS PAG E
Indeed?
MISTRESS FORD
15
No, certainly. Aside to her. Speak
louder.
MISTRESS FORD
15
No, certainly. Aside to her. Speak
louder.
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody
here.
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody
here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why?
MISTRESS FORD
Why?
MISTRESS PAGE
20
Why, woman, your husband is in his
old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my
husband, so rails against all married mankind, so
curses all Eve’s daughters of what complexion soever,
and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying
25
“Peer out, peer out!” that any madness I ever yet
beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience
to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat
knight is not here.
MISTRESS PAGE
20
Why, woman, your husband is in his
old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my
husband, so rails against all married mankind, so
curses all Eve’s daughters of what complexion soever,
and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying
25
“Peer out, peer out!” that any madness I ever yet
beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience
to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat
knight is not here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, does he talk of him?
MISTRESS FORD
Why, does he talk of him?
MISTRESS PAGE
30
Of none but him, and swears he was
carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a
basket; protests to my husband he is now here;
and hath drawn him and the rest of their company
from their sport to make another experiment of
35
his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here.
Now he shall see his own foolery.
MISTRESS PAGE
30
Of none but him, and swears he was
carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a
basket; protests to my husband he is now here;
and hath drawn him and the rest of their company
from their sport to make another experiment of
35
his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here.
Now he shall see his own foolery.
MISTRESS FORD
How near is he, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS FORD
How near is he, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
Hard by, at street end. He will be here
anon.
MISTRESS PAGE
Hard by, at street end. He will be here
anon.
MISTRESS FORD
40
I am undone! The knight is here.
MISTRESS FORD
40
I am undone! The knight is here.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why then, you are utterly shamed, and
he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away
with him, away with him! Better shame than
murder.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why then, you are utterly shamed, and
he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away
with him, away with him! Better shame than
murder.
MISTRESS FORD
45
Which way should he go? How should
I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket
again?
MISTRESS FORD
45
Which way should he go? How should
I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket
again?
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
FALSTAFF
No, I’ll come no more i’ th’ basket. May I not
go out ere he come?
FALSTAFF
No, I’ll come no more i’ th’ basket. May I not
go out ere he come?
MISTRESS PAGE
50
Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers
watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue
out. Otherwise you might slip away ere he came.
But what make you here?
MISTRESS PAGE
50
Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers
watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue
out. Otherwise you might slip away ere he came.
But what make you here?
FALSTAFF
What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the
55
chimney.
FALSTAFF
What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the
55
chimney.
MISTRESS FORD
There they always use to discharge
their birding pieces.
MISTRESS FORD
There they always use to discharge
their birding pieces.
MISTRESS PAGE
Creep into the kiln-hole.
MISTRESS PAGE
Creep into the kiln-hole.
FALSTAFF
Where is it?
FALSTAFF
Where is it?
MISTRESS FORD
60
He will seek there, on my word. Neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he
hath an abstract for the remembrance of such
places, and goes to them by his note. There is no
hiding you in the house.
MISTRESS FORD
60
He will seek there, on my word. Neither
press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he
hath an abstract for the remembrance of such
places, and goes to them by his note. There is no
hiding you in the house.
FALSTAFF
65
I’ll go out, then.
FALSTAFF
65
I’ll go out, then.
MISTRESS PAGE
If you go out in your own semblance,
you die, Sir John—unless you go out disguised.
MISTRESS PAGE
If you go out in your own semblance,
you die, Sir John—unless you go out disguised.
MISTRESS FORD
How might we disguise him?
MISTRESS FORD
How might we disguise him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas the day, I know not. There is no
70
woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he
might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and
so escape.
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas the day, I know not. There is no
70
woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he
might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and
so escape.
FALSTAFF
Good hearts, devise something. Any extremity
rather than a mischief.
FALSTAFF
Good hearts, devise something. Any extremity
rather than a mischief.
MISTRESS FORD
75
My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of
Brentford, has a gown above.
MISTRESS FORD
75
My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of
Brentford, has a gown above.
MISTRESS PAGE
On my word, it will serve him. She’s as
big as he is. And there’s her thrummed hat and her
muffler too.—Run up, Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE
On my word, it will serve him. She’s as
big as he is. And there’s her thrummed hat and her
muffler too.—Run up, Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
80
Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page
and I will look some linen for your head.
MISTRESS FORD
80
Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page
and I will look some linen for your head.
MISTRESS PAGE
Quick, quick! We’ll come dress you
straight. Put on the gown the while.
MISTRESS PAGE
Quick, quick! We’ll come dress you
straight. Put on the gown the while.
FALSTAFF exits.
FALSTAFF exits.
MISTRESS FORD
I would my husband would meet him
85
in this shape. He cannot abide the old woman of
Brentford. He swears she’s a witch, forbade her my
house, and hath threatened to beat her.
MISTRESS FORD
I would my husband would meet him
85
in this shape. He cannot abide the old woman of
Brentford. He swears she’s a witch, forbade her my
house, and hath threatened to beat her.
MISTRESS PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband’s
cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
MISTRESS PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband’s
cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
MISTRESS FORD
90
But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS FORD
90
But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS PAGE
Ay, in good sadness is he, and talks of
the basket too, howsoever he hath had
intelligence.
MISTRESS PAGE
Ay, in good sadness is he, and talks of
the basket too, howsoever he hath had
intelligence.
MISTRESS FORD
We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men
95
to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door
with it as they did last time.
MISTRESS FORD
We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men
95
to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door
with it as they did last time.
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, but he’ll be here presently. Let’s go
dress him like the witch of Brentford.
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, but he’ll be here presently. Let’s go
dress him like the witch of Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
I’ll first direct my men what they shall
100
do with the basket. Go up. I’ll bring linen for him
straight. She exits.
MISTRESS FORD
I’ll first direct my men what they shall
100
do with the basket. Go up. I’ll bring linen for him
straight. She exits.
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest varlet! We cannot
misuse him enough.
We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
105
Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.” She exits.
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest varlet! We cannot
misuse him enough.
We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
105
Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.” She exits.
Enter MISTRESS FORD with ROBERT and JOHN, who bring the buck-basket.
Enter MISTRESS FORD with ROBERT and JOHN, who bring the buck-basket.
MISTRESS FORD
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders. Your master is hard at door. If he bid
110
you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch. She exits.
MISTRESS FORD
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your
shoulders. Your master is hard at door. If he bid
110
you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch. She exits.
ROBERT
Come, come, take it up.
ROBERT
Come, come, take it up.
JOHN
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
JOHN
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
ROBERT
I hope not. I had lief as bear so much lead.
ROBERT
I hope not. I had lief as bear so much lead.
They pick up the basket.
They pick up the basket.
Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, SIR HUGH EVANS, and SHALLOW.
Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, SIR HUGH EVANS, and SHALLOW.
FORD
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you
115
any way then to unfool me again?—Set down the
basket, villain. They put the basket down. Somebody
call my wife. Youth in a basket! O, you panderly
rascals! There’s a knot, a gang, a pack, a
conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be
120
shamed.—What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
Behold what honest clothes you send forth to
bleaching!
FORD
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you
115
any way then to unfool me again?—Set down the
basket, villain. They put the basket down. Somebody
call my wife. Youth in a basket! O, you panderly
rascals! There’s a knot, a gang, a pack, a
conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be
120
shamed.—What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
Behold what honest clothes you send forth to
bleaching!
PAGE
Why, this passes, Master Ford! You are not to go
loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
PAGE
Why, this passes, Master Ford! You are not to go
loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
SIR HUGH
125
Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad
dog.
SIR HUGH
125
Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad
dog.
SHALLOW
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
SHALLOW
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
FORD
So say I too, sir.
Enter MISTRESS FORD.
Come hither, Mistress Ford.—Mistress Ford, the
130
honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature,
that hath the jealous fool to her husband!—I
suspect without cause, mistress, do I?
FORD
So say I too, sir.
Enter MISTRESS FORD.
Come hither, Mistress Ford.—Mistress Ford, the
130
honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature,
that hath the jealous fool to her husband!—I
suspect without cause, mistress, do I?
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven be my witness you do, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty.
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven be my witness you do, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty.
FORD
135
Well said, brazen-face. Hold it out.—Come
forth, sirrah. He pulls clothes out of the basket.
FORD
135
Well said, brazen-face. Hold it out.—Come
forth, sirrah. He pulls clothes out of the basket.
PAGE
This passes.
PAGE
This passes.
MISTRESS FORD
Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes
alone.
MISTRESS FORD
Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes
alone.
FORD
140
I shall find you anon.
FORD
140
I shall find you anon.
SIR HUGH
’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your
wife’s clothes? Come, away.
SIR HUGH
’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your
wife’s clothes? Come, away.
FORD , to the SERVANTS
Empty the basket, I say.
FORD , to the SERVANTS
Empty the basket, I say.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, man, why?
MISTRESS FORD
Why, man, why?
FORD
145
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house yesterday in this basket.
Why may not he be there again? In my house I am
sure he is. My intelligence is true, my jealousy is
reasonable.—Pluck me out all the linen.
FORD
145
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house yesterday in this basket.
Why may not he be there again? In my house I am
sure he is. My intelligence is true, my jealousy is
reasonable.—Pluck me out all the linen.
MISTRESS FORD
150
If you find a man there, he shall die a
flea’s death. ROBERT and JOHN empty the basket.
MISTRESS FORD
150
If you find a man there, he shall die a
flea’s death. ROBERT and JOHN empty the basket.
PAGE
Here’s no man.
PAGE
Here’s no man.
SHALLOW
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford.
This wrongs you.
SHALLOW
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford.
This wrongs you.
SIR HUGH
155
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart. This is
jealousies.
SIR HUGH
155
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow
the imaginations of your own heart. This is
jealousies.
FORD
Well, he’s not here I seek for.
FORD
Well, he’s not here I seek for.
PAGE
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
PAGE
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
FORD
160
Help to search my house this one time. If I find
not what I seek, show no color for my extremity.
Let me forever be your table-sport. Let them say of
me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow
walnut for his wife’s leman.” Satisfy me once
165
more. Once more search with me.
FORD
160
Help to search my house this one time. If I find
not what I seek, show no color for my extremity.
Let me forever be your table-sport. Let them say of
me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow
walnut for his wife’s leman.” Satisfy me once
165
more. Once more search with me.
ROBERT and JOHN refill the basket and carry it off.
ROBERT and JOHN refill the basket and carry it off.
MISTRESS FORD , calling offstage
What ho, Mistress
Page! Come you and the old woman down. My
husband will come into the chamber.
MISTRESS FORD , calling offstage
What ho, Mistress
Page! Come you and the old woman down. My
husband will come into the chamber.
FORD
“Old woman”? What old woman’s that?
FORD
“Old woman”? What old woman’s that?
MISTRESS FORD
170
Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
170
Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford.
FORD
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have
I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands,
does she? We are simple men; we do not know
what’s brought to pass under the profession of
175
fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by
th’ figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our
element. We know nothing.— Come down, you
witch, you hag, you! Come down, I say!
FORD
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have
I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands,
does she? We are simple men; we do not know
what’s brought to pass under the profession of
175
fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by
th’ figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our
element. We know nothing.— Come down, you
witch, you hag, you! Come down, I say!
FORD seizes a cudgel.
FORD seizes a cudgel.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, good sweet husband!—Good gentlemen,
180
let him not strike the old woman.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, good sweet husband!—Good gentlemen,
180
let him not strike the old woman.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE and SIR JOHN FALSTAFF disguised as an old woman.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE and SIR JOHN FALSTAFF disguised as an old woman.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, Mother Pratt; come, give me
your hand.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, Mother Pratt; come, give me
your hand.
FORD
I’ll pratt her. (He beats FALSTAFF.) Out of my
door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat,
185
you runnion! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll
fortune-tell you! FALSTAFF exits.
FORD
I’ll pratt her. (He beats FALSTAFF.) Out of my
door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat,
185
you runnion! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll
fortune-tell you! FALSTAFF exits.
MISTRESS PAGE
Are you not ashamed? I think you have
killed the poor woman.
MISTRESS PAGE
Are you not ashamed? I think you have
killed the poor woman.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, he will do it.—’Tis a goodly credit
190
for you.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, he will do it.—’Tis a goodly credit
190
for you.
FORD
Hang her, witch!
FORD
Hang her, witch!
SIR HUGH
By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch
indeed. I like not when a ’oman has a great peard.
I spy a great peard under her muffler.
SIR HUGH
By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch
indeed. I like not when a ’oman has a great peard.
I spy a great peard under her muffler.
FORD
195
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow.
See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out
thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open
again.
FORD
195
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow.
See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out
thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open
again.
PAGE
Let’s obey his humor a little further. Come,
200
gentlemen.
PAGE
Let’s obey his humor a little further. Come,
200
gentlemen.
FORD , PAGE, CAIUS, SIR HUGH, and SHALLOW exit.
FORD , PAGE, CAIUS, SIR HUGH, and SHALLOW exit.
MISTRESS PAGE
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
MISTRESS PAGE
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, by th’ Mass, that he did not; he
beat him most unpitifully, methought.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, by th’ Mass, that he did not; he
beat him most unpitifully, methought.
MISTRESS PAGE
I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung
205
o’er the altar. It hath done meritorious service.
MISTRESS PAGE
I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung
205
o’er the altar. It hath done meritorious service.
MISTRESS FORD
What think you? May we, with the
warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good
conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
MISTRESS FORD
What think you? May we, with the
warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good
conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
MISTRESS PAGE
The spirit of wantonness is, sure,
210
scared out of him. If the devil have him not in fee
simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I
think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.
MISTRESS PAGE
The spirit of wantonness is, sure,
210
scared out of him. If the devil have him not in fee
simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I
think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we tell our husbands how we
have served him?
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we tell our husbands how we
have served him?
MISTRESS PAGE
215
Yes, by all means—if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they
can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat
knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will
still be the ministers.
MISTRESS PAGE
215
Yes, by all means—if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they
can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat
knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will
still be the ministers.
MISTRESS FORD
220
I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly
shamed, and methinks there would be no period to
the jest should he not be publicly shamed.
MISTRESS FORD
220
I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly
shamed, and methinks there would be no period to
the jest should he not be publicly shamed.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, to the forge with it, then shape
it. I would not have things cool.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, to the forge with it, then shape
it. I would not have things cool.
They exit.
They exit.
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