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Enter HOST and SIMPLE.
Enter HOST and SIMPLE.
HOST
What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thickskin?
Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick,
snap.
HOST
What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thickskin?
Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick,
snap.
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
5
From Master Slender.
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
5
From Master Slender.
HOST
There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed. ’Tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go,
knock and call. He’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian
10
unto thee. Knock, I say.
HOST
There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed. ’Tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go,
knock and call. He’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian
10
unto thee. Knock, I say.
SIMPLE
There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up
into his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she
come down. I come to speak with her, indeed.
SIMPLE
There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up
into his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she
come down. I come to speak with her, indeed.
HOST
Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed.
15
I’ll call.—Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from
thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine Host,
thine Ephesian, calls.
HOST
Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed.
15
I’ll call.—Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from
thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine Host,
thine Ephesian, calls.
FALSTAFF , within
How now, mine Host?
FALSTAFF , within
How now, mine Host?
HOST
Here’s a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming
20
down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let
her descend. My chambers are honorable. Fie! Privacy?
Fie!
HOST
Here’s a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming
20
down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let
her descend. My chambers are honorable. Fie! Privacy?
Fie!
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
FALSTAFF
There was, mine Host, an old fat woman
even now with me, but she’s gone.
FALSTAFF
There was, mine Host, an old fat woman
even now with me, but she’s gone.
SIMPLE
25
Pray you, sir, was ’t not the wise woman of
Brentford?
SIMPLE
25
Pray you, sir, was ’t not the wise woman of
Brentford?
FALSTAFF
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell. What would
you with her?
FALSTAFF
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell. What would
you with her?
SIMPLE
My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her,
30
seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir,
whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain,
had the chain or no.
SIMPLE
My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her,
30
seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir,
whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain,
had the chain or no.
FALSTAFF
I spake with the old woman about it.
FALSTAFF
I spake with the old woman about it.
SIMPLE
And what says she, I pray, sir?
SIMPLE
And what says she, I pray, sir?
FALSTAFF
35
Marry, she says that the very same man that
beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him
of it.
FALSTAFF
35
Marry, she says that the very same man that
beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him
of it.
SIMPLE
I would I could have spoken with the woman
herself. I had other things to have spoken with her
40
too from him.
SIMPLE
I would I could have spoken with the woman
herself. I had other things to have spoken with her
40
too from him.
FALSTAFF
What are they? Let us know.
FALSTAFF
What are they? Let us know.
HOST
Ay, come. Quick!
HOST
Ay, come. Quick!
SIMPLE
I may not conceal them, sir.
SIMPLE
I may not conceal them, sir.
HOST
Conceal them, or thou diest.
HOST
Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIMPLE
45
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress
Anne Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune
to have her or no.
SIMPLE
45
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress
Anne Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune
to have her or no.
FALSTAFF
’Tis; ’tis his fortune.
FALSTAFF
’Tis; ’tis his fortune.
SIMPLE
What, sir?
SIMPLE
What, sir?
FALSTAFF
50
To have her or no. Go. Say the woman told
me so.
FALSTAFF
50
To have her or no. Go. Say the woman told
me so.
SIMPLE
May I be bold to say so, sir?
SIMPLE
May I be bold to say so, sir?
FALSTAFF
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
FALSTAFF
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
SIMPLE
I thank your Worship. I shall make my master
55
glad with these tidings. He exits.
SIMPLE
I thank your Worship. I shall make my master
55
glad with these tidings. He exits.
HOST
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee?
HOST
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee?
FALSTAFF
Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learned before in
60
my life. And I paid nothing for it neither, but was
paid for my learning.
FALSTAFF
Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learned before in
60
my life. And I paid nothing for it neither, but was
paid for my learning.
Enter BARDOLPH.
Enter BARDOLPH.
BARDOLPH , to HOST
Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere
cozenage!
BARDOLPH , to HOST
Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere
cozenage!
HOST
Where be my horses? Speak well of them,
65
varletto.
HOST
Where be my horses? Speak well of them,
65
varletto.
BARDOLPH
Run away with the cozeners. For so soon as
I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind
one of them in a slough of mire, and set
spurs, and away, like three German devils, three
70
Doctor Faustuses.
BARDOLPH
Run away with the cozeners. For so soon as
I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind
one of them in a slough of mire, and set
spurs, and away, like three German devils, three
70
Doctor Faustuses.
HOST
They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do
not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.
HOST
They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do
not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS.
SIR HUGH
Where is mine Host?
SIR HUGH
Where is mine Host?
HOST
What is the matter, sir?
HOST
What is the matter, sir?
SIR HUGH
75
Have a care of your entertainments. There is
a friend of mine come to town tells me there is
three cozen-Germans that has cozened all the
hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook,
of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look
80
you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks,
and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened.
Fare you well. He exits.
SIR HUGH
75
Have a care of your entertainments. There is
a friend of mine come to town tells me there is
three cozen-Germans that has cozened all the
hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook,
of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look
80
you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks,
and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened.
Fare you well. He exits.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vere is mine Host de Jarteer?
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vere is mine Host de Jarteer?
HOST
Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
85
dilemma.
HOST
Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
85
dilemma.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I cannot tell vat is dat. But it is tell-a me
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de
Jamanie. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court
is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I cannot tell vat is dat. But it is tell-a me
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de
Jamanie. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court
is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu.
He exits.
He exits.
HOST , to BARDOLPH
90
Hue and cry, villain, go!—Assist
me, knight. I am undone.—Fly, run; hue and cry,
villain! I am undone. HOST and BARDOLPH exit.
HOST , to BARDOLPH
90
Hue and cry, villain, go!—Assist
me, knight. I am undone.—Fly, run; hue and cry,
villain! I am undone. HOST and BARDOLPH exit.
FALSTAFF
I would all the world might be cozened, for I
have been cozened and beaten too. If it should
95
come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been
washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of
my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots
with me. I warrant they would whip me with their
100
fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I
never prospered since I forswore myself at
primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I
would repent.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.
Now, whence come you?
FALSTAFF
I would all the world might be cozened, for I
have been cozened and beaten too. If it should
95
come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been
washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of
my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots
with me. I warrant they would whip me with their
100
fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I
never prospered since I forswore myself at
primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I
would repent.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.
Now, whence come you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
105
From the two parties, forsooth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
105
From the two parties, forsooth.
FALSTAFF
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestowed. I have
suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous
inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to
110
bear.
FALSTAFF
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestowed. I have
suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous
inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to
110
bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And have not they suffered? Yes, I
warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford,
good heart, is beaten black and blue that you cannot
see a white spot about her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And have not they suffered? Yes, I
warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford,
good heart, is beaten black and blue that you cannot
see a white spot about her.
FALSTAFF
115
What tell’st thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colors of the rainbow,
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered
120
me, the knave constable had set me i’ th’
stocks, i’ th’ common stocks, for a witch.
FALSTAFF
115
What tell’st thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colors of the rainbow,
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered
120
me, the knave constable had set me i’ th’
stocks, i’ th’ common stocks, for a witch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, let me speak with you in your
chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant,
to your content. Here is a letter will say
125
somewhat. She gives him a paper. Good hearts,
what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one
of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
crossed.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, let me speak with you in your
chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant,
to your content. Here is a letter will say
125
somewhat. She gives him a paper. Good hearts,
what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one
of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
crossed.
FALSTAFF
Come up into my chamber.
FALSTAFF
Come up into my chamber.
They exit.
They exit.

Original Text

Modern Text
Enter HOST and SIMPLE.
Enter HOST and SIMPLE.
HOST
What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thickskin?
Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick,
snap.
HOST
What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thickskin?
Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick,
snap.
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
5
From Master Slender.
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff
5
From Master Slender.
HOST
There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed. ’Tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go,
knock and call. He’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian
10
unto thee. Knock, I say.
HOST
There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his
standing-bed and truckle-bed. ’Tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go,
knock and call. He’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian
10
unto thee. Knock, I say.
SIMPLE
There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up
into his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she
come down. I come to speak with her, indeed.
SIMPLE
There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up
into his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she
come down. I come to speak with her, indeed.
HOST
Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed.
15
I’ll call.—Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from
thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine Host,
thine Ephesian, calls.
HOST
Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed.
15
I’ll call.—Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from
thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine Host,
thine Ephesian, calls.
FALSTAFF , within
How now, mine Host?
FALSTAFF , within
How now, mine Host?
HOST
Here’s a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming
20
down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let
her descend. My chambers are honorable. Fie! Privacy?
Fie!
HOST
Here’s a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming
20
down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let
her descend. My chambers are honorable. Fie! Privacy?
Fie!
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF.
FALSTAFF
There was, mine Host, an old fat woman
even now with me, but she’s gone.
FALSTAFF
There was, mine Host, an old fat woman
even now with me, but she’s gone.
SIMPLE
25
Pray you, sir, was ’t not the wise woman of
Brentford?
SIMPLE
25
Pray you, sir, was ’t not the wise woman of
Brentford?
FALSTAFF
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell. What would
you with her?
FALSTAFF
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell. What would
you with her?
SIMPLE
My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her,
30
seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir,
whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain,
had the chain or no.
SIMPLE
My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her,
30
seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir,
whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain,
had the chain or no.
FALSTAFF
I spake with the old woman about it.
FALSTAFF
I spake with the old woman about it.
SIMPLE
And what says she, I pray, sir?
SIMPLE
And what says she, I pray, sir?
FALSTAFF
35
Marry, she says that the very same man that
beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him
of it.
FALSTAFF
35
Marry, she says that the very same man that
beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him
of it.
SIMPLE
I would I could have spoken with the woman
herself. I had other things to have spoken with her
40
too from him.
SIMPLE
I would I could have spoken with the woman
herself. I had other things to have spoken with her
40
too from him.
FALSTAFF
What are they? Let us know.
FALSTAFF
What are they? Let us know.
HOST
Ay, come. Quick!
HOST
Ay, come. Quick!
SIMPLE
I may not conceal them, sir.
SIMPLE
I may not conceal them, sir.
HOST
Conceal them, or thou diest.
HOST
Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIMPLE
45
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress
Anne Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune
to have her or no.
SIMPLE
45
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress
Anne Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune
to have her or no.
FALSTAFF
’Tis; ’tis his fortune.
FALSTAFF
’Tis; ’tis his fortune.
SIMPLE
What, sir?
SIMPLE
What, sir?
FALSTAFF
50
To have her or no. Go. Say the woman told
me so.
FALSTAFF
50
To have her or no. Go. Say the woman told
me so.
SIMPLE
May I be bold to say so, sir?
SIMPLE
May I be bold to say so, sir?
FALSTAFF
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
FALSTAFF
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
SIMPLE
I thank your Worship. I shall make my master
55
glad with these tidings. He exits.
SIMPLE
I thank your Worship. I shall make my master
55
glad with these tidings. He exits.
HOST
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee?
HOST
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee?
FALSTAFF
Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learned before in
60
my life. And I paid nothing for it neither, but was
paid for my learning.
FALSTAFF
Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath
taught me more wit than ever I learned before in
60
my life. And I paid nothing for it neither, but was
paid for my learning.
Enter BARDOLPH.
Enter BARDOLPH.
BARDOLPH , to HOST
Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere
cozenage!
BARDOLPH , to HOST
Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere
cozenage!
HOST
Where be my horses? Speak well of them,
65
varletto.
HOST
Where be my horses? Speak well of them,
65
varletto.
BARDOLPH
Run away with the cozeners. For so soon as
I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind
one of them in a slough of mire, and set
spurs, and away, like three German devils, three
70
Doctor Faustuses.
BARDOLPH
Run away with the cozeners. For so soon as
I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind
one of them in a slough of mire, and set
spurs, and away, like three German devils, three
70
Doctor Faustuses.
HOST
They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do
not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.
HOST
They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do
not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS.
SIR HUGH
Where is mine Host?
SIR HUGH
Where is mine Host?
HOST
What is the matter, sir?
HOST
What is the matter, sir?
SIR HUGH
75
Have a care of your entertainments. There is
a friend of mine come to town tells me there is
three cozen-Germans that has cozened all the
hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook,
of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look
80
you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks,
and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened.
Fare you well. He exits.
SIR HUGH
75
Have a care of your entertainments. There is
a friend of mine come to town tells me there is
three cozen-Germans that has cozened all the
hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook,
of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look
80
you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks,
and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened.
Fare you well. He exits.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vere is mine Host de Jarteer?
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vere is mine Host de Jarteer?
HOST
Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
85
dilemma.
HOST
Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
85
dilemma.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I cannot tell vat is dat. But it is tell-a me
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de
Jamanie. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court
is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I cannot tell vat is dat. But it is tell-a me
dat you make grand preparation for a duke de
Jamanie. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court
is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu.
He exits.
He exits.
HOST , to BARDOLPH
90
Hue and cry, villain, go!—Assist
me, knight. I am undone.—Fly, run; hue and cry,
villain! I am undone. HOST and BARDOLPH exit.
HOST , to BARDOLPH
90
Hue and cry, villain, go!—Assist
me, knight. I am undone.—Fly, run; hue and cry,
villain! I am undone. HOST and BARDOLPH exit.
FALSTAFF
I would all the world might be cozened, for I
have been cozened and beaten too. If it should
95
come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been
washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of
my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots
with me. I warrant they would whip me with their
100
fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I
never prospered since I forswore myself at
primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I
would repent.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.
Now, whence come you?
FALSTAFF
I would all the world might be cozened, for I
have been cozened and beaten too. If it should
95
come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed,
and how my transformation hath been
washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of
my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots
with me. I warrant they would whip me with their
100
fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I
never prospered since I forswore myself at
primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I
would repent.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.
Now, whence come you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
105
From the two parties, forsooth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
105
From the two parties, forsooth.
FALSTAFF
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestowed. I have
suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous
inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to
110
bear.
FALSTAFF
The devil take one party, and his dam the
other, and so they shall be both bestowed. I have
suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous
inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to
110
bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And have not they suffered? Yes, I
warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford,
good heart, is beaten black and blue that you cannot
see a white spot about her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And have not they suffered? Yes, I
warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford,
good heart, is beaten black and blue that you cannot
see a white spot about her.
FALSTAFF
115
What tell’st thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colors of the rainbow,
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered
120
me, the knave constable had set me i’ th’
stocks, i’ th’ common stocks, for a witch.
FALSTAFF
115
What tell’st thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colors of the rainbow,
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered
120
me, the knave constable had set me i’ th’
stocks, i’ th’ common stocks, for a witch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, let me speak with you in your
chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant,
to your content. Here is a letter will say
125
somewhat. She gives him a paper. Good hearts,
what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one
of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
crossed.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, let me speak with you in your
chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant,
to your content. Here is a letter will say
125
somewhat. She gives him a paper. Good hearts,
what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one
of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
crossed.
FALSTAFF
Come up into my chamber.
FALSTAFF
Come up into my chamber.
They exit.
They exit.
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